Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
So, my question to the group is, "How far do you go to help them?" My Mom is fighting me on everything I try to do to help her. These past three weeks have been emotionally exhausting for me (and for her, I know). But at what point do I throw in the towel? She won't agree to get medical care. She won't discuss moving. She won't allow anyone to come into her home to help her. She's mean and stubborn and makes me out to the be the bad guy. "Well, I'm really sorry Mom that I want you to be pain free, and fed and bathed and have clean clothes. I'm really, really sorry for that."
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
So, do I walk away? Do I secure an assisted living apartment without her consent? Do I let her live in her home alone as she wishes?
I am just taking it one day at a time. I'm praying a lot. A LOT! I have no one to help me. I'm in AZ she's in MI. The local aging resources can only do so much. I can't quit my job to move back. She refuses to entertain any solution that would involve moving her to AZ. She is fully competent mentally. I almost wish she weren't because I think that would make it easier. Maybe not. My apologies if that was insensitive to any of you.
I'm not cut out for handling this. I don't know what to do. Thank you for letting me vent.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
So, do I walk away? Do I secure an assisted living apartment without her consent? Do I let her live in her home alone as she wishes?
I am just taking it one day at a time. I'm praying a lot. A LOT! I have no one to help me. I'm in AZ she's in MI. The local aging resources can only do so much. I can't quit my job to move back. She refuses to entertain any solution that would involve moving her to AZ. She is fully competent mentally. I almost wish she weren't because I think that would make it easier. Maybe not. My apologies if that was insensitive to any of you.
I'm not cut out for handling this. I don't know what to do. Thank you for letting me vent.
Can she afford AL? It is very expensive but better than losing your mind and health over an impossible situation.
I would start calling facilities in your area to see what is available in your area and see what you can afford. Ask to speak to the social workers at these places. They have seen and heard it all.
Is there anyone else that might be able to talk some sense into her? Gererally the last people they want to hear anything from is their kids.
When I was getting my Mom and Dad sorted out I was a big help for me to elicit assistance from other family and friends.
Good luck!
Yes you DO have to set limits and make them SITCK, just like you would do with a little kid
Do you have any other siblings who can help out? How about any siblings of your mother? Any other family or friends who has a working relationship with her? Church member?
It sounds like your mother is making emotionally based decisions instead of logically based decisions. As long as she is doing this, your logical arguments are not going to be very effective. You might try to switch things up a bit and go with an emotional based approach.
For example, would her husband (it sounds like she is alone from what you wrote) have approved of her living situation? Well, only use this if she has a positive opinion of him. If not a husband, perhaps a sibling who went through a similar situation? Especially if it was somebody who made poor decisions that your mother objected to.
I have pointed out to my dad that I would not like to come visit and find he had fallen down and was in a bad situation. We used similar arguments with my MIL. (Well her children did, not really my place to do more than support what my wife and her siblings have said.)
Some people have had luck with the "Please do this for me, I worry so much about you." method.
You know your mother better than we do, perhaps a hybrid of the above might work.
Once you get your mother swayed from emotion back to logic then all your previous arguments may start to work better.
Oh and by the way, welcome to the group! Gentle hugs as you work through this.
My brother died 40 years ago when he was a teen and it left me an only child. My dad passed away 3+ years ago.....hence....me taking care of my stubborn, crazy, mean, uncooperative, delusional mom (dad was just as bad). She lived 800 miles away living in lala land out in the middle of nowhere (3 miles from the main road on a lake lot) with no common sense (she is in a wheelchair)....thinking she could live alone in a 2100 square foot home and trusting every tom dick and harry and letting them in her home. They stole from her. Was getting physically and verbally abusive. One person robbed she and my dad with intention of killing them (he had a gun) after robbing them, but was interrupted and his plans were foiled. She is not good with her money and most of her savings were gone trying to keep my sick father home for 19 out of 21 years of his mysterious illness.
After my dad passed away, my mom thought it best if I uprooted my life to move down by her where there was no work and move in with her (no thanks). She is also very controlling and very negative.
After dad passed away, I had to take the reigns regardless of how she felt. It is like dealing with a 5 year old that is legally able to live alone....but shouldn't. I also took away her car as she was a danger to herself and everyone else.
I had decided she already didn't like me....she never has. I often ask myself why I'm taking good care of her. The answer if simple. I don't want any regrets after she is gone. I have no regrets with my dad......as bad as he and my mom have been to me......I'm working on being the better person. My mom doesn't have anyone else. She has a few younger sisters scattered throughout the country....but they are as nutty as she is.
Anywho......taking the reigns, I found aplaceformom.com is a wealth of info and free help. Since my mom is down to a small widow pension from my dad and social security, I had to find a place closer to me (not with me as one of us would end up dead and it probably wouldn't be me....I'm just sayin). I was hoping the sale of her house (another disastrous story for another day) would help offset the cost of her living. Aplaceformom.com helped me decide that mom would be ok living in "Independent Living" as opposed to Assisted living. They set up appointments in places that met her needs within her budget. She is in a super nice place with everything right under one roof......and free transportation to her area.....even to special events out of the area. It is like a spa where she lives.
I made her one bedroom apartment really really nice! I decked it all out to make it a nice retreat from daily activities and such.
I payed for her moving up here......I have footed the bills for having a computer in her apartment.....her cell phone.....day trips and dinners out. Outings such as the
Lipizzan horse farm....the casinos.....and shopping expeditions to stores she has never been to before. I take her for regular manicures/pedicures......and you know what I get in return?
"I love you....but you are not my favorite person! I'd rather live in Arkansas......Chicago suburbs are not for me. It's too cold here....the people are not friendly. Too many foreigners. This is like living in a nursing home!!!"
She gossips about everyone and has no filter....says whatever she wants. She is very ungrateful and also took a huge hit on selling her house becuz all she does is complain and throws temper tantrums.
So here's the skinny. I finally put my foot down in January (2.5 years since she moved in). After her major temper tantrum. I handed her her checkbook and her living expense bills and told her she could do it herself....goodbye! I didn't speak to her for 10 days. I guess that scared her and gave her time to think! I also stopped going over there 3-4 times a week. I now go over there once a week. I figure it's sink or swim and I was not gonna put up with her nasty remarks and negativity. I also told her I would not be participating in her gossip and BS. I demand respect and kindness. When she tries to engage me.....I change the subject and if she keeps it up....I remind her that I refuse to do that.
She usually straightens up pretty fast and is now seeing a therapist that comes to her apartment (medicare pays for it).
I let her be as independent as I can, but she still frustrates me at times.
She came here screaming and kicking nearly 3 years ago and it was a long adjustment.....but we are finally at a small truce. I do not expect her to ever totally acclimate, but I feel better having her closer to me (about a 20 minute drive) than to worry that I have no idea what is going on 800 miles away. The way she was going....she would be totally out of money becuz she lets people take advantage of her and once she would run out in about a year she would be depending on me to financially support her if she would still be living in Arkansas.
It is sad that they act so childlike and not responsible for themselves and then get mad when we try to help. However, I don't think that generation planned for things to get this expensive or for them to have a lengthy medical condition that might wipe out their finances.
Hang in there. Come here often and vent.
I'm lurking in the background....taking care of mom.....and lately expanding one of my businesses.
You will make it.....one day at a time. And do enforce good boundaries....it is essential to your own well being and survival.
Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself....you are doing the best you can.