Sorry, all. I probably should have just posted this in my journal. Just venting really.

You put your foot down! Good for you! Sometimes there's no negotiation, just get it done!

No. It is fine to post this here. Good for you for putting your foot down!!!! I know it as embarrassing for your Mom but I'll wager she feels better being clean and the next time it will be easier for everybody!

By all means vent away, that may be the BEST feature of groups here!

Well if and when it is time for someone to bathe me send me a cute guy!!!!! I don't want no girl pawing me!

Its uncanny how the roles reverse!When i help mom with her shower,she sits in her shower chair,everything goes well until i suggest to wash her hair!she reminds me when my kids were little "oh noooo not my hair!!

Thanks all, for your comments and understanding. And Trojan, thanks for a good laugh!! I agree... make him sexy!!

Things only got worse tonight, however.... just moaning and moaning and no clear reason. What can I do? I'm asking, trying to offer things, getting her to do a nebulizer treatment w/morphine to soothe her... having to push her to drink the damned Miralax!!! Just drink it!!! She got very, VERY frustrated and even angry. Made me feel awful. Then to the toilet... finally a poop but she can't clean herself and she's dropping the tissue on the floor. I finally did a wipe... OMG. PLEASE. This is what I never wanted to do! Just so stressful, embarrassing, so difficult... hard to even describe. Put her to bed at 8:30... probably not what she wanted but probably what she needed. I don't know if I can do this. It's only going to get worse.

She said at one point that I was "making" her wish to be dead. I reject that. I don't blame her for wishing that - but it ain't me. In the bathroom during the worst of it, I said to her that she shouldn't blame me for her having an incurable disease. In fact, if it weren't for me and my darling Layne, she'd be in a nursing home - or dead.

This has been a rough night, folks. Rough.

Keep reminding yourself that this is not your mom, this is a shell of who your mom used to be.

Psychology works well on all ages. Instead of asking for permission to do something that needs to be done, give her an option of how it is to be done. For example: "Mom, do you want your hair washed with the apricot scented shampoo or the pineapple one?" (Or what ever choices you have!)

"Do you want your nebulizer before your shower or after?"

Get creative!

A lot of time people in your mom's situation really wants validation that they are in pain, uncomfortable, what ever. Statements like "I am so sorry that you are hurting mom. Would you like a warm glass of milk or your mirilax?

Continuing hugs

I'm not so sure about giving choices. My mom seems to like it more now when I just tell her what is going to happen. She totally hates making decisions.

Nothing is easy about getting old. Losing your independence, knowing your end is getting closer, losing your ability to make decisions about your life....it sucks.

My first concern would be pain management. You said your mom was moaning but refusing her nebulizer with the morphine. Do you think she was in pain? Could it be that the medication is making her groggy and feeling blah? I'd talk to the hospice nurse about this. Proper pain management means giving enough without the side effects.

I like Peppers idea of giving mom some decisions to make. Just make sure that you limit the choices to two and that both options are things you can do and want to do. Apricot vs pineapple shampoo as long as you have both and both will do the job is great. Shower vs washcloth bath is also a good choice if it will do what the job. Dinner vs ensure is also a good choice. It will give mom the dignity of making some decisions but at the same time you are accomplishing what you need to have done. And sometimes you have to compromise and let mom "win".

I know your mom doesn't have dementia but as her medical conditions progress and with more medication she will show some similar signs. Not being able to make decisions is a common and frustrating problem. This is why you have to limit choices to two and both have to be acceptable to you. Never ask open ended questions like "what do you want for dinner". Instead offer two choices that you are prepared to make. Another big issue with aging and mental changes is a fear of bathing. No one is certain why but many older people become afraid of the actual shower area and water spraying at them. This is where you need to get creative. A sponge bath with mom sitting in a shower chair might be less stressful that a spraying shower. A handheld shower is another great tool and a must have.

Please continue to vent and share here in the group. Many of us have dealt with the things you are going through and can offer helpful suggestions or just validations of how you feel. We learn by sharing.

We're in communication w/hospice nurses re pain meds. She's only getting a half-dose, but 3 times a day so the pain (supposedly) never gets overwhelming. The pain med could be adding to her fuzziness... hard to say. Sometimes she's actually pretty alert, esp. with other people around. Then she's "on," as people from her generation tend to do - cover their feelings. That makes it especially hard for us to determine just what is going on with her. Combined w/her horrid hearing/comprehension loss, it's challenging.
We do try to involve her in decisions... but she often just gives me a blank look, which I suspect is non-comprehension. She seems to prefer that I just decide most things...
I guess all of this is to be expected... but maybe I didn't expect it quite so soon. We are now considering hiring an aide that Mother really liked from one of the rehab places to come in a few hours twice a week or so to give us some relief. Hospice offers volunteers, of course, but Mother would prefer this woman - and she does have the $$ to afford it.
Thanks again to all for your caring comments.

I find giving my mom choices just leads to shouting matches and potty accidents.

I give her something to eat and then sit her on the pot.

Bath time is bath time.

Bed time is bed time.

My mom does not take any meds but if she did medicine time would be medicine time.

If your Mom refuses to take her meds maybe that is ok.

Do you think the moaning is really from pain or just frustration?

If you think she is really in pain there are sneaky ways to get something into her system.

And by all means get the aide your mom likes in to give you a break! You and Layne need to hit the links!

I searched for help on this issue and your post popped up. Thanks. I have been helping my dad off and on since my parents divorced almost 20 years ago. He moved in with me and had a stroke a year later. He lived with me for 7 years and I helped as best that I could. He decided to move into his own house when his disability came through finally back in 2006. My brother and his girlfriend moved in for a couple of years until 2008 but that didn't work out very well due to their own medical issues. He was doing pretty well and I would go by and check on him. In 2011 he started having more strokes and ended up in the hospital for 6 weeks and then two rounds of inpatient therapy. I started taking care of him again along with working full time. Now he doesn't drive so I take him to appointments and clean and shop for him. Lately he has been forgetful and not wanting to clean or take care of his animals so I have taken that over. It has been exhausting emotionally and physically. Now he doesn't want to shower even. We have to take care of this today. I am a little nervous. I wish my brother would come over and do it for me. His skin is thin from the medication and I don't want to bruise him. He already had sensitive skin to begin with. But it's not healthy. He could get sick couldn't he? I guess things are just changing again and it feels sad and overwhelming sometimes. Sorry that I am rambling. I am just so worried...

Just so you know Claire this is an old post and Penny's Mom passed some time ago. You could start your own post about it if you want to get more responses.