The best that anyone can do is to check out all the options available and be informed prior to crisis. Then intelligent choices can be made calmly instead of in panic.

Have you actually toured the facility?
Have you talked with mom about why she has thought about this?

I ask because my mom was afraid to talk to us about her end of life choices. She felt afraid we would think she did not care about us. It is still really sad to think that she went to chemo and had surgery those last 9 months by being forced by my sister with guilt about leaving her alone.

Once they are gone, there is only time to review the choices we made in their care. If you allow mom to talk about these things now, when she passes, you will have the security of knowing that you did things she wanted. That will be a measure of peace that will stay with you forever.

You could also tour the facility with mom to expose her to the activities. She might benefit from being with others her age and medical situation for a day stay program.
Today's skilled care is much different from when we were children.
They employe activity directors who ensure that all seniors are stimulated and make friends.

A tour would also allow you to determine if the facility is up to your standards. There are still poor ones out there. Then you can gently steer mom toward one with better facilities and care if the need arrises.

Check into the facts and then make choices. Then you will have peace knowing that you did your best for mom.

peaceful,

I'm so glad that conversation went well for you and your mother!

I know how difficult these things are since I take care of my mom also.

Good for you! Very often seniors view silence as a sign not to talk about their feelings. Keeping these lines of communication open now allows you to know what mother wants. It might help to take her to the named facility for a tour. If you stay with her, you can judge the sutability for mother's needs. Then you can help her make good choices and allow her to feel free to make decisions.

It is a hard conversation for any child. It seems that you have your eyes open to all the choices available so you can make the best choice for your mother.

When Mom told me her choice I said really ? I thought you would like so and so. She said oh no no no. I like such and so because...neighbor was there...etc..
Plus she visited someone there and remembers what it is like.

I just listened and so oh ok. Changes subject so she would not feel on the spot.

It is a nice place. We shall see down the line,

P

I am glad that you are talking about mother's choices now. That gives you information which can relieve tension all by itself. My doctoral studies were in the area of aging and care for the elderly. The best outcomes are when family considers all the options available. The worst are ones where a care giver is hostile to all but one option. We only took elderly out of care by force in situations where the prejudice was so serious that the care giver refused to even talk about options.
It is important for you to feel comfortable in addition to mother feeling comfortable. Keep in mind that you will most likely live with this decision long after mother passes. You deserve to have as much peace with the decisions as possible. There will be enough grief if mother passed before you. Take the peaceful parts that are available to you now and let the rest fall away.

When my MIL broke her hip the docs said she needed intense rehab. He said a minimum of 6 weeks in a rehab inpatient facility because of her other health issues.

Well she kicked and screamed and swore she was going home. Then the doc told her if she ever wanted to walk again she needed to do this. Well she did and actually stayed a few extra weeks. She was able to come home, drive and be independent for several more years.

In her case it took the authority of the doctor (older doc) to get through to her.

You handled that beautifully Dear! Good job for askiing her opinion instead of trying to tell her what to do! =)

PS. Can not "tell" my mom what to do. I see so clearly life is telling her and there is something to catching her when the moon in full. She just tells all and with no emotion or fear.

I was lucky enough to have uber practical parents. They sat down w Atty. years ago and made their trust. I was always the trustee number 1. though youngest.
My parents took care of the sibling jealousy as well. They messed up the taxes toward the end but not something we couldn t fix.
So now I just have to be brave enough to be that Trusted person. I am most of the time. I am keeping my word. So far it is possible to honor their wishes.

However, I do not fool myself about stress. I do not want to be part of the stats we shared some time ago about care givers dying with in 2 years of living such commitment. High percentage of death.

P