Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Six months ago my mother moved in with us, she is 85 and in good health. Basically i am stuck caring for her, there is no other option, she sold her home and used all her money to help her 2 sons... now that the money is all gone so are my siblings.
Even though all this angers me i can look beyond and care for her, i love her very much.
My problem is that she is making my everyday life a misery, always criticising everything i do, nothing is ever good enough. She just sits around all day watching tv.
feeling hurt and angry
my relationship is falling apart because i have neglected my partner and our children to care for her...its been a long six months and i feel used and manipulated and don't know if i have the energy to fight this anymore.
Both brothers have asked her to stay with them a week at a time ( to give me a break) but she rejects them. Her excuse is that she doesn't want to burden them.
Even though all this angers me i can look beyond and care for her, i love her very much.
My problem is that she is making my everyday life a misery, always criticising everything i do, nothing is ever good enough. She just sits around all day watching tv.
feeling hurt and angry
my relationship is falling apart because i have neglected my partner and our children to care for her...its been a long six months and i feel used and manipulated and don't know if i have the energy to fight this anymore.
Both brothers have asked her to stay with them a week at a time ( to give me a break) but she rejects them. Her excuse is that she doesn't want to burden them.
If you think she may cause a problem or hurt herself when you go out with your family, have a neighbor or friend stop by to check on her or hire a babysitter.
Check out a few senior centers in your area....they are usually through the community centers or townships to see if there is some clubs or day cares for the elderly so she can get out and make some friends. Perhaps if she had some friends in the area that she could play cards/games with or hang with, it will give you some relief.
If she starts criticizing you, tell her that is unacceptable and walk out of the room.....if she follows you, get out of the house and go for a walk or drive.
These are just a few ideas that come to mind.
Know you are not alone and I have a mom just like yours (perhaps they were separated at birth....lol).
Hang in there....there is no easy solution (((((((Hugs)))))))
she seems a little depressed today, didn't even say "good morning" to me...giving me the silent treatment ...would be so much easier if she would just talk to me about how she's feeling ...i think we can deal with almost anything if only we could communicate like two adults
ahh well a girl can dream
she's trying hard to anger me and I'm trying hard to remain firm and calm
testing 1 2 3 I'm scared of blowing my top grrrrr
I just spent the afternoon with my mom. I'm gonna go take an aspirin and lay down!!!!! LOL
I know that my mom and I can not live together becuz one of us would end up dead.....and it won't be me....I'm just sayin :P
Remember the days when there was a button on the back of the TV that obscured the picture and did other cool things? LOL
TV and other techno stuff is too complicated to "rig" .....*sigh
aaaahhhhhh....the silent treatment!!!! gotta love em......does she give you "the look" too?
;
Make some tea and go in your bedroom (be sure to slam the door in disapproval.....ok, ok...don't stoop to her level.....just dream about it ((((((((Hugs)))))))))))
funny that you say, i have had visions of death, no no not mine lol
i just have to keep reminding myself that it could be worse
After dealing with live folks.....and my parents.....I'd rather deal with the dead. No....dead ppl don't scare me.....live ppl do!!!!
Can you come up with any motives for her to act the way she is? Knowing the reasons for the behavior can make it easier to change.
For example, is she embarrassed by her financial mistakes and is angry that she has to move in with you?
Is she a controlling person, and finding herself living in somebody else's house is making her angry and she is lashing out?
Has she been a mean person for a long time?
There are many ways you can set limits.
It is tempting to lay down the law in a massive controlling statement, but that can force things between the two of you to be a win-lose situation every time.
If I can master my anger, I like a method my wife taught me a long time ago. Make a statement that addresses a specific behavior and lays out a consequence. The statement needs to be as short as possible yet carry the message. Then repeat it each time it is called for; same way, same words, same inflection. Changing your wording only invites debate and negotiation.
For example: "Mom, the volume on the TV needs to be kept to an acceptable level. If you insist on louder then I will turn the TV off."
Then TURN THE TV OFF!
If she gets up and turns it back on then you have to turn it off again. It would help if you could control the TV from a remote location in a way she does not understand. You might have to pay an electrician to rewire the TV cable, but you could get an on-off switch for the TV.
Sooo, do let us know what you end up doing!
ThePepperMan,
she is a very controlling person, always has been, its her way or the high way...and yes her financial situation has made her a little bitter...but its the fall out of her own actions...not something i can fix
Her mood swings are very child like...i spoke to her Doctor who is going to run a few tests to make sure nothing else is going on...he said even a urine infection can change their mood...God Help us!!!
Yeah.....I'm totally convinced your mom and mine are twins separated at birth. However.....they must have other duplicates cuz there are several others on this site with the same type of parent!
I had to stop the hemorrhage with my mom and her money situation or she'd be living with me. As it is.....I'm hoping she passes before all her money is gone becuz she will be living in a state funded nursing home.
Those damn UTI's are nasty.....turns our already crazy parents into insane monsters on a broader spectrum!
My mom went off the deep end last January and a UTI was the first thing I asked the doctor to check for. It came down to depression and that she had stopped taking her anti depressants....OY.
She told me the other day that the pharmacy forgot to deliver her anti depressants and that she only had a few of them left!!!! Panic came over me like a flood......made sure she got her meds. What a scare that was for me. Thought I was going to be dealing with another minion gone bad moment!
Gotta love this taking care of stubborn parent syndrome......NOT!
Course, that's probably never going to happen, trust me, I'm in the same position.
I would say though, that if she's living in your home, you have every right to expect her to respect your home. She will behave or she has the option of going to live with either of your other siblings. Sometimes you just have to let them know that actions have consequences. Most of the time, I love being with my mother but then there are times where she's beyond awful.
Since you say your Mom is healthy, Selfie, it seems there is no reason why you can't leave her alone and get out of your house to have time with friends or other family. And you just have to set some boundaries with her behavior. She can ignore you and give you the eye, but she shouldn't be allowed to blast the tv and disturb your household and the neighborhood. There should be some house rules. Also, why do you have to make her breakfast, lunch and dinner? She is very capable of making herself a bowl of oatmeal or a sandwich. I think you are letting her use you as a doormat. You are teaching her how to treat you, in my opinion.
I think you have to take stock of your situations and make changes. You also need to get your siblings involved, telling your Mom that she has no choice, she has to go stay with them once in a while. Otherwise everyone will be visiting you at a home that you will not want to be in!!