Hi Ann....welcome to our corner of the Internet....I do not have such a primary role in my 91yr old Mom's life but she is still very independent...just going down hill slowly now....my sister comes in from Ohio for long stays and short stays at her house and I have another sister and BIL in town here with me and Mom so we all share and we enjoy each other a bunch....anyway welcome...hugs

Yikes, I'm late to this post, my apologies!

I could so relate the the coffee incident because I go through this type of thing with my mother and she lives with me. She likes to come with me on Saturdays to do grocery shopping even though she goes out almost every day of the week. Saturdays are always filled with errands just for her. She's always forgotten something when we get home and then she ho's and hum's about having to go out on Monday for whatever she forgot. She's out anyway,,, just do it.... Somehow it's always better for her if we get back in the car and I'm driving her around again, and again.......

Welcome to the forum!

pd2012,

Yes!, the errand thing is driving me crazy...! My dad LOVES to get out and about, and especially loves the grocery store, which is always a huge production given he needs to ride a cart. So "running in for 10 minutes (his words) is actually always a 90-minute production. What got to me the last time was my heading out to get the car, then waiting at the curb with zillions of people honking behind me, only to have some kind soul come out and tell me that my dad had gone to customer service (for lottery tickets, as it turned out). I was so angry at his thoughtlessness!

I'm also struggling with my dad's desire to cook, which would be nice except I don't have an exceptionally large kitchen and he's got all these single-use gadgets that he HAS to use when cooking. He doesn't clean up after himself (or he'll do it a day or two later), and my kitchen ends up looking like a tornado hit it and I don't have room to cook the next day.

I don't want to deny my dad one of his few remaining pleasures, but I also don't want to be spending what little free time I have cleaning up his messes.... It's getting so that I'm avoiding my kitchen because it depresses the heck out of me going in there. :-(

Oh I know your pain in the kitchen. When my mother first came to live with us, I moved a good portion of the utensils and counter appliances into the pantry to make room for her things in my kitchen. That was 5 years ago, most of my stuff has ultimately been moved to the pantry or in the attic to make room for everything new she's purchased over the years. My kitchen is not my own any more. I've had more of my spatulas that have just disappeared, pots, pans; and yes, it's been proven that she was taking some items to the transfer station. What that's all about, who knows....

I spend most nights after work cleaning up the kitchen. I can't believe the mess one person can make from a filthy sink with dishes in it to dirty counter tops to dirty stove top and the amounts of what falls on the floor has me completely baffled. I've found her coffee cups on the dining room table, the fireplace mantles; used tissues in the washing machine. Have you ever washed a load of clothes after someone left a bunch of tissues in the machine? You wouldn't believe that mess.

I'm constantly checking everything after she uses it. It's just become the norm. I've just accepted my role as her personal maid!

It's not all bad though; I'm still happy that she's with us and she's healthy. I hate seeing her walking slower and functioning less than in her younger years. It bothers me to see her decline physically.

There's nothing wrong with her mouth though, that part of her still works.......

I soooooooooo feel your pain!

Welcome to our group! Lots of good people here who understand the issues involved with having an older parent live with you!

Setting limits is very important! Just because they are older, just because they are our parents, just because their time may be limited (all of us have limited time!), just because ... None of that excuses them from having limits!

My MIL is passive aggressive, and I've learned to step up and call her on it. She likes it when we all eat the same thing. Why? We don't have the same likes and dislikes. No way am I going to have chicken liver for dinner, ain't gonna happen! I like food spicier than she can deal with. No way am I going to give it up for her, ain't gonna happen. So many nights I am part short order cook!

So look to the things that cause you the most trouble, and start setting limits.

And then enforce them!

It can be hard, it can be very hard. But the results will be well worth the work.

Pepper is absolutely and 150% right here. You really do need to set boundaries on what's acceptable and what's not.

It's really tough for everyone around but eventually and hopefully everyone can come to an understanding. Just keep in mind that if you back down; you've given them an opening. I'd advise not to do it.

What I can't stand is the passive, aggressive behavior period!

TroJanThunder is the Queen of limits and consequences! If anybody is looking for pointers we have a lot of posts here in the group that talk about limits for our parents!

Yup, there's no one more capable of giving the best pointers on straightening out bad behavior than Trojan! She's the master at setting boundaries!

Love my Trojan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well thanks. Glad somebody loves me. Sometimes I wonder. I have not made a comment on this thread because honestly I get tired of wasting my energy.

There's lots of us out here that look forward to your advice and even depend on it. SO, NO giving up! Keep contributing. You are needed!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ok. Thanks