Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
I had been talking to a reverend about all the issues in my life, the biggest one being my complicated relationship with my manipulative mom. All of a sudden the appointments stopped. I received a text from the reverend yesterday saying I assume you are doing ok. I texted back that I am doing much better these days, but there are new issues with my mom. She texted back that my mom's days are numbered, and to just breathe.
Ok mom has cancer. She was breast cancer free 5 years when we found out it metasticized, and now, a year later, there is one other spot.
I am always in the office with her. When we found out it metasized over a year ago, the doctor himself said this was not necessarily a death sentence, that she could be around for many years yet. And even now, with the additonal spot, he is not talking terminal, because one existing spot is almost gone. Her meds have been changed, there may be more radiation, and there is no pain what so ever.
So I texted the reverend and asked where she got her info from. And she texted back that she was under the impression that when hospice is involved, the patient is terminal.
So I called my mom and asked her what kind of hospice services she is getting, thinking I missed something, because I am not aware of any. Turns out that someone over a year ago sent them in to evaluate her, finding her NOT eligible. However, the caseworker calls to check on her on his own. So I asked her why the reverend thinks she does not have long to live and her answer was because MOM herself does not think she does, and she got scared when hopice was sent in over a year ago.
My mother is a drama queen. I have been with her when she is invited somewhere and she says dramatically "If I live that long." So I am pretty sure that she has pulled this stuff with the reverend as well.
All I can think of today is how horrible of a person the reverend must think *I* am, for complaining about a woman that is supposedly teminal. I know i have the option of phoning her, but her texts stopped in what i consider the middle of a converstion....and i am feeling pretty uncomfortable.
I am trying to not be additionally angry with mom, I keep telling myself that it is cancer after all, and we all would be scared. But I am already dealing with so much-mom, my own health issues which are always on the back burner, a marriage that is being held together because he has agreed to counseling, and coming to terms with the death of my youngest brother who *I* was made responsible for. I went home from my part time job yesterday, slept for 12 hours skipping dinner, then went to bed for 6 more. I am not sure I can take much more.
Ok mom has cancer. She was breast cancer free 5 years when we found out it metasticized, and now, a year later, there is one other spot.
I am always in the office with her. When we found out it metasized over a year ago, the doctor himself said this was not necessarily a death sentence, that she could be around for many years yet. And even now, with the additonal spot, he is not talking terminal, because one existing spot is almost gone. Her meds have been changed, there may be more radiation, and there is no pain what so ever.
So I texted the reverend and asked where she got her info from. And she texted back that she was under the impression that when hospice is involved, the patient is terminal.
So I called my mom and asked her what kind of hospice services she is getting, thinking I missed something, because I am not aware of any. Turns out that someone over a year ago sent them in to evaluate her, finding her NOT eligible. However, the caseworker calls to check on her on his own. So I asked her why the reverend thinks she does not have long to live and her answer was because MOM herself does not think she does, and she got scared when hopice was sent in over a year ago.
My mother is a drama queen. I have been with her when she is invited somewhere and she says dramatically "If I live that long." So I am pretty sure that she has pulled this stuff with the reverend as well.
All I can think of today is how horrible of a person the reverend must think *I* am, for complaining about a woman that is supposedly teminal. I know i have the option of phoning her, but her texts stopped in what i consider the middle of a converstion....and i am feeling pretty uncomfortable.
I am trying to not be additionally angry with mom, I keep telling myself that it is cancer after all, and we all would be scared. But I am already dealing with so much-mom, my own health issues which are always on the back burner, a marriage that is being held together because he has agreed to counseling, and coming to terms with the death of my youngest brother who *I* was made responsible for. I went home from my part time job yesterday, slept for 12 hours skipping dinner, then went to bed for 6 more. I am not sure I can take much more.
One thing you can do is to print up your post and take it to your minister. Let her know the pressure you are under, and how your mother makes things worse.
You are worth it!
The Hospice people tend to be more understanding and non denominational.
It seems like one way or another you are out of the information loop because Hospice only comes in when they have reason to believe the patient is likely to be gone within a six month period.
Anyway perhaps it is time to dig a little deeper and find out what is really going on.
The other thought is maybe the ministers advice applies no matter what. Mom wil only be around for so long. You may need to work on your reactions to mom rather than trying to understand or justify what she does. Remember you can't change others but you can change how you handle them. Focus on you and how to make yourself happy in your world. This might involve more distance from mom or cleaning the air and forgiving yourself. It may also take more than a minister. A licensed therapist might be better.
In the meantime, I have spoken to my brother, as this is the minister from HIS parish and also a friend of his. I tried explained to him how this has made me feel and about how she seems to think mom is at the very end. I realize any one of us could be gone, at any time. That is what happened to my youngest brother. One day here, one day gone. And his answer: well she is going to die from something..the cancer or the MS. Ok so we are ALL going to pass on...does this make us all terminal?? I am probably not making much sense at this point. But this entire situation has left a really bad taste in my mouth. I found the minister's response to my text in bad taste, and it was based on what I consider miss-information. The conversation in my mind was left unfinished. My brother's lack of empathy at my distress just has me shaking my head. I AM done with the minister And I have not been able to talk to my brother for a long time. So it is what it is and I just do without the 2 of them. I AM trying to better my relationship with my mom.....even though I seem to be her whipping boy of choice. It's a preocess
You could try talking to the Hospice people anyway ever if yr Mom is not ready yet.
It is free and they offer great services before during and after. I absolutely LOVE our hospice team!
Ministers are people. Some are great, some are okay and some stink. I don't think this minister is the right fit for you. I'd stick to your therapist. It's also not great to work with multiple counsellors since it can be contradictory.
Moms are also people. Some are great, some are okay and some stink. We all are technically terminal from the moment of birth, there is no other way out of life than death. What we never know is when. Of course when you are older and have health problems death becomes closer and a bigger concern. It's normal for people to be scared.
None of us know your mom so it's impossible to know what she is thinking or how she is behaving. She sounds a bit drastic and attention seeking, you will never change that but by recognizing the behavior you can be prepared to deal with her in a way that doesn't upset you. If mom tells you she is dying you say yes mom I know you have some medical issues but your doctors assured us that you have years left. Maybe try a little humor if mom will appreciate it or try sympathy if that is important to her. Then change the subject. It doesn't cost you much to say a few words to make mom happy. Just work on ways to change the subject and not let it get to you. So what if mom wants sympathy?