Caring For Aging Parents Support Group

Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.

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Having a hard time

ayla67
ayla67
I take care of both parents, both with walkers, Mom also with a wheelchair, both with diapers. Commode too.

New obstacle: Mom has come down with clinical depression and wants my attention constantly. She can't stand it if I am not with her all the time. SO I am not getting the chores done. I have to wait till she goes to bed to get things done and attend to things I want to do.

I am thinking, this is all wrong. She is being selfish. I have a right to some time on my own (I know the oxygen mask rule). Tomorrow I am going to lay down some limits.

She is also driving me batty with constant, constants complaints. I know she can't help it, it is part of her depression. But it is starting to drive me crazy. I am calling the doctor on Monday about changing her antidepressant, and we are getting a social worker to come see her for therapy at home.

In the meantime I am trying my best to practice patience. I am experienced with having had depression many times myself, so I understand what she is going through. I love Ma dearly and pray that the depression will be treated quickly with the right medication.

In the meantime, I am going to get a respite for Friday, even if she doesn't like it (because everyone deserves a break once in a while).

Any more ideas anyone?
billwfriend
billwfriend
Nobody else there to help?
ayla67
ayla67
Just the 3 of us live here, my brother on the next block is not available, except maybe on weekend, has high stress job and a sick kid himself, plus his own health problems. so caregivers at $22.50 an hour are the only option. Family friends can't help mom transfer from wheelchair to chair, not trained and Mom doesn't trust them (she is tall and heavy, a big fall risk).

However, I might borrow a friend or two for visits to cheer Mom up. She has stopped calling her friends or inviting them over because she feels she isn't "worthy of the time and is a burden". Her self esteem is is the crapper. SO I think I am going to invite them over on my own for surprise visits. Maybe it will cheer her up.
billwfriend
billwfriend
yes but make sure that the house is clean before so she doesn't bitch about being embarrassed by the condition of the house....I think very highly for friends coming by to visit...mom's neighbor is bringing her stuff like birthday cake and things when they have had some left overs.....she and her husband are a great help to me as they bring the trash cans off street for her all the time and sometimes take them out to street including coming inside to get some of the recycled papers from a can in living room that is too heavy for mom to carry to the door....I usually make monday my biggest I gotta get to moms house day but there are a few I either forget or am busy and that is when they help out....and the man next door her husband will at times run his tractor over the front yard to cut grass or mulch leaves....
jazzkeys
jazzkeys
My mom suffers from paranoia, and needs company all the time. However, it got to the point where I could not be with her 24/7 and when she was alone, she went out and harassed neighbors (who were kind) called the cops, who eventually got angry and called her social worker who in turn had her placed.
She is still afraid, but there are people in the nursing home, and nurses and aids. OK, now she thinks they are all trying to kill her, and poison her, but at least she doesn't think it's me.
Getingstronger
Getingstronger
One thing you might try is getting her into a wheelchair or wherever she can sit and then have a friend come. Hopefully, no one would have to move your Mom and they could just visit for a couple of hours while you go out. Then your Mom wouldn't have to worry about anyone dropping her and you would get a much needed break. This worked with my sister when she couldn't walk any longer.
Community LeaderThePepperMan
ThePepperMan
It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Limit and consequences can work wonders. Unless we are dealing with somebody who is getting into dementia; then they really dont understand why there are limits, they don't understand that they have crossed a limit, and they don't understand why they are suffering consequences.

But I don't think you are there.

Try to get involved in some of your mom's counseling sessions. The therapist may be able to help you and your mom work out some ways to cope that do not involve you being with her every waking hour.

Gentle hugs
ayla67
ayla67
I am doing all the things you all recommend. Mom is now clinically in a major depression. I am going to get her to a psychiatrist. I am very experienced in dealing with depressed persons, and therapeutic techniques, so I feel very comfortable in helping her. But I am going to get the to the doc as soon possible. My goal is to keep her out of the hospital, her depression is really, really bad.

You all are really great, I feel like I have found a bunch of new buddies!

PS, I am going out on the town on Friday!
Community LeaderThePepperMan
ThePepperMan
Glad to hear you are going out on the town. Sending you some red paint!
poohbeartigger14
poohbeartigger14
Just joined.
Sounds like you have your hands full. Try to remember that you have to take care of yourself too. If you collapse then you are no good to your parents.
Not sure what state you are in. Here in Az there is something called ALTC, where if your parents qualify, you can get caregivers to come to home, up to 40 hours or they will pay for group home. Check your state to see what resources they have for your parents.
Then check for volunteer services for the aging in your area. Again in my area I was able to find a service that once a week will send a shopper to take my Dad grocery shopping, then when he needs to go to a dr. appt, they will have someone come take him once a week. They also can set up someone to call and check on him or have a weekly visit of someone.
I am not at your junction yet. My mom is in group home and Dad is home alone with care giver twice a week and other services to try to keep him independent and at home. Next junction will be dad moving in with me. note sue if this helps but.. take care of yourself
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