Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Hello all, I've been a solo caregiver to my dad for over 7 years now. While on this train wreck of a journey, I have lost my marriage, prospects of a career, plus a lot of friends who can't handle the consistent tedium and stress that is my daily life.
My dad is 85, been bedridden for years (vascular dementia and kidney disease). He was an alcoholic and tobacco addict, and I seem to have been involved since childhood in mopping up after him. He is also a narcissist.
I am presently out of ideas of how to clearly envision a future for myself. I am 51 now an with each year that this drags on I become less and less employable.
I do not step out of the house unless it is to go to the hospital with him or to zip down to the ATM downstairs.
I have worked as a freelance copy-editor from home for years. But am so mentally tired and emotionally isolated that I just can't face endless editing on top of everything else.
That's about it. Thanks
My dad is 85, been bedridden for years (vascular dementia and kidney disease). He was an alcoholic and tobacco addict, and I seem to have been involved since childhood in mopping up after him. He is also a narcissist.
I am presently out of ideas of how to clearly envision a future for myself. I am 51 now an with each year that this drags on I become less and less employable.
I do not step out of the house unless it is to go to the hospital with him or to zip down to the ATM downstairs.
I have worked as a freelance copy-editor from home for years. But am so mentally tired and emotionally isolated that I just can't face endless editing on top of everything else.
That's about it. Thanks
Your life sounds way too stressful. You haven't mentioned any help...do you have anyone else who watches dad?
I hope you can find some support here.
Maybe you could start out with going out on your own once in awhile. Is there anyone in the family that can give you some time off? If not, are there any resources in your area that you could go to?
I'm thinking, you need a respite from your everyday life. Caring for our parents can be very debilitating to us emotionally. Sometimes, we need to step away and take a break.
Welcome to the forum, pleased to meet you!
PD
First I have to tell you that you have reinforced me in not taking on my father's care just yet. My Dad is not a narcissist & has been widowed 20 yrs this yr. So it makes it all the harder for me in this choice. I want to protect my marriage. My husband did volunteer to go live with my Dad but that would involve a cross country move to a place I don't want to move to & then finding new jobs & a whole new network of friends & support. So we aren't making that decision yet. My aunt became the sole caregiver for their mother who was bedridden for 71/2 yrs before passing & I know the toll it took on her.
All that said, my cousin took care of my other aunt for more than 10yrs. She started with dementia which became full blown altzheimer's. My cousin lives too far away from all family so she had NO support other than what some of us could give her over the phone (encouragement & praise). Finally, after one hospitalization the hospital got her hooked up with a visiting care giver to give my cousin a 2 hour break daily. Also, they said that since she was unable to work due to being the full time care giver of her mother that the state would pay her for that & it did. While it took a toll on my cousin as far as her own health, she does not regret one moment of caring for her mother at home.
So maybe you can get a home healthcare aid to come in daily for a few hours allowing you to leave the house & do something for yourself. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your marriage. I personally believe that this is the "in bad times" that goes along with the "good times."
On a side note, I am 54, did a whole life & career change & just started a new job last week. You are gifted in more ways than you know & when it comes time, I believe that right job will be waiting for you.
Hugs!
What is your passion? Surely there is something you would like to get out and do. Church maybe?
Many people I know find a lot of help and friendship when they find a great church home.
After your dad dies, you are going to be on your own. Better to start a life now than waiting more years to get your own life back.
Glad you are here for support. Welcome and good luck.
I know how drained you are. This sounds like my husband, only he isn't a alcoholic. I don't think I could last as long as you...
And I understand about your age, I am a few years older!
Have you checked with social security or if he is a veteran, they have services he may be eligable for.
Does he have a doctor?
Best wishes,
L.
Seriously, make time for you!
Just do it. Tell your dad that you are going out for a while. Then do it. Even if you just go outside, out of his scope of vision. Set yourself a limit (perhaps even just 10 minutes) AND DO IT!!!
We will never get a narcissist to agree to change their behavior; by definition they don't care about other people. So just set new limits and then enforce them.
It will be hard at first, but with time it will become easier.
Your dad will fight you all the way, so all you can do is be like a broken record, and say the same thing over and over. Something like "Dad, I have other things to tend to, I'll be back later."
Ignore the mind games, and the appeals to your pity/guilt.
You are going to go down with Dad if you don't get out and help yourself too.
Try looking into aging resources in your area. My Mom was placed in a group home about a year ago. My Dad is living at home alone about an hour away from me. Try to get friends, family, anyone to come spell you, so you can get out. Not sure of your finances but even if you have to pay a caregiver which about in my area is about $21.00/hr, try for 3-4 hours at least once or twice a week.
You won't be able to help dad if you don't help your self.