Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Hi all. I just wanted to check in. Maybe I'll do this every day ....
I am afraid of losing some of my humanity in this whole ordeal. I hate that I am so grateful when Mom is asleep. Otherwise, she has me jumping up all day and night - a cup of coffee - I make it, she drinks 1 or 2 sips. That's it. Or how about preparing a meal, and she has 1 or 2 bites. Or the time we spend with her speaking nonsense and me responding as best I can to jibberish being repeated over and over???
Mom would not want this for herself.
She refuses to wear her BiPap mask a lot. It's a vicious circle. When she doesn't wear it enough, she gets "loopy". and when she's loopy, she usually refuses to wear it, or agrees, then tries to tear it off her face 2 minutes later. And the latest - she isn't even wearing her BiPap, and I turn around, and she has her cannula (oxygen tube) off her face! She needs these methods to breathe the best she can, and she's fighting herself at this point.
I've flown off the handle - but that is not me, that is pointless, and in the long run I don't want to look back and know I raised my voice to Mom, or man-handled her to out-strength her in keeping her BiPap on. It feels like abuse, and is abuse, and I will not do it anymore, no matter what it means for her.
I've tried reasoning. Mom may even agree, and a minute later she's doing everything against what we agreed upon. Again - the loopiness.
My sister is coming to help tonight or tomorrow night, and she can stay 3 out of the 4 weeks each month. But I think even there we need relief. I will look into a home health aide to give us some breaks now and then. From what money, I don't know! I lost my job, because I need to be home to care for mom.
Hospice helps, but it's got limitations. But thank you Hospice!
It's a lonely dark place, being a caregiver.
How do we all do it?????
Kathy
I am afraid of losing some of my humanity in this whole ordeal. I hate that I am so grateful when Mom is asleep. Otherwise, she has me jumping up all day and night - a cup of coffee - I make it, she drinks 1 or 2 sips. That's it. Or how about preparing a meal, and she has 1 or 2 bites. Or the time we spend with her speaking nonsense and me responding as best I can to jibberish being repeated over and over???
Mom would not want this for herself.
She refuses to wear her BiPap mask a lot. It's a vicious circle. When she doesn't wear it enough, she gets "loopy". and when she's loopy, she usually refuses to wear it, or agrees, then tries to tear it off her face 2 minutes later. And the latest - she isn't even wearing her BiPap, and I turn around, and she has her cannula (oxygen tube) off her face! She needs these methods to breathe the best she can, and she's fighting herself at this point.
I've flown off the handle - but that is not me, that is pointless, and in the long run I don't want to look back and know I raised my voice to Mom, or man-handled her to out-strength her in keeping her BiPap on. It feels like abuse, and is abuse, and I will not do it anymore, no matter what it means for her.
I've tried reasoning. Mom may even agree, and a minute later she's doing everything against what we agreed upon. Again - the loopiness.
My sister is coming to help tonight or tomorrow night, and she can stay 3 out of the 4 weeks each month. But I think even there we need relief. I will look into a home health aide to give us some breaks now and then. From what money, I don't know! I lost my job, because I need to be home to care for mom.
Hospice helps, but it's got limitations. But thank you Hospice!
It's a lonely dark place, being a caregiver.
How do we all do it?????
Kathy
As for the bipap and oxygen can she refuse treatment?
Could Hospice get her on some meds that would make her more comfortable?
Like you said she never would have wanted her life to be like this.
It is very good that your sister is coming to help you, it is obvious that you need emotional support from somebody in the same room. Somebody who can reach out and hug you, somebody who can complete the phrase "Remember the time on vacation when mom ... "
The hardest part of end of life care is knowing when to let go. I think that you have the key when you said that this is not what your mom would want for herself.
My mom would talk about eating and getting stronger so she could go home, then a few minutes later she was refusing food and saying that she had been eating too much.
Hospice has a lot of services; ask them about letting mom go without her BiPap mask or cannula.
How do we do it? That is a hard one. My MIL is very easy, mom was hard by dad took care of her mostly by himself. Dad is getting weaker, but so far all I do is go to doctor appts with him and he comes to dinner every night.
I do know that I need to make sure that I don't lose myself in the life of my MIL and my father. (Mom passed away about a year ago.)
Towards the end my mother was stringing multiple memories together as a single memory. It was not gibberish, but it was mostly not true. But it was the best she could do. So I just went with what she said and tried to reply to the phrases that made sense to me.
Sorry to ramble so much.
Gentle hugs
I am sure that your mom would be so sad/angry that she is putting her girls through this ordeal. But meanwhile, you sure do have a lot to handle...I am glad that you are not totally alone in this.
I have no suggestions. I just wanted to send love and support.