Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
I'm new to this group- and it seems I've found others who are frustrated like I am.
I love my in-laws but getting them to understand boundaries will be the death of me. Even the therapist says my husband and I need to distance ourselves (which is very hard when they're down the street). We rely on them to help with my 15 y/o step son who is bipolar who self harms and has suicidal tendencies. Which means he needs supervision 24/7 until the doctors can get his meds straight and he's no longer a danger to himself. They never complain about watching him either. But trying to keep their drama out of my house is proving to be more work than it should. We try to set boundaries but when we do- MASSIVE guilt trip.
My FIL has major anger issues- which then my MIL blames on his meds, or his unresolved issues with his dad or his issues with my husband. Honestly- I don't give a crap. He's an adult- he needs to work on his issues or find a professional. I'm sick and tired of his 'issues' becoming my families issues. My hubby is bipolar, my step son is bipolar and to top it off I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. We have enough drama with the 3 of us.
It got so bad one night my FIL got so verbally aggressive with my MIL, my son (who is 15) was terrified of him. Needless to say I was furious and refused to let them see him until he (FIL) could get his act together. Then I was accused of using my son as a bartering tool. (SERIOUSLY!!??!!)
What it comes down to I'm sick of guilt trips. Just over the weekend my in laws asked if we could move a dryer for them. Normally this wouldn't be an issue- but they picked a day when we had company over and we were cleaning out a room in my house so my husband's friend can stay with us for a while since he's switching jobs. My in laws assumed we could just drop everything and go over and move a dryer. (Nevermind my FIL had PAID to have it delivered and moved down the stairs by professionals but decided he couldn't wait 3 hrs and wanted it now.) We told them we were busy- and that hubby's friend couldn't help because he had plans after we were done. We get the "Oh we'll just do it tomorrow since we have plans tonight too". Ok- fine. Sunday we are still cleaning the room and the rest of the house. We were in the middle of moving boxes and they want us to come over and move the dryer down stairs. Told them we were busy- but we could stop by in a few hours and do it. Later on we go over their and they had already called my husbands Brother in law, who lives 30 min away, to help because they couldn't wait. Then my MIL complains to me that her back hurts. (Never mind I just got out of PT for a slipped disc.)
I set boundaries- told them what WE can do since we cant just drop everything, every time they want us too and i get this guilt trip. This is getting ridiculous- they're grown adults.
Sorry for the long rant. I figured some back story on how my in laws are would help. Normally moving a dryer isn't a big issue- and family does stuff like that for each other. But this is nuts. Normally you go with what the person helping you can do- not throw a hissy because you can't do it when THEY want.
Oh- and i've already tried talking to my MIL about this. She's a runner. She'll either physically LEAVE the area or completely shut down when you try to talk to her about any issues. Never mind her profession is a therapist. Funny, isn't it?
I love my in-laws but getting them to understand boundaries will be the death of me. Even the therapist says my husband and I need to distance ourselves (which is very hard when they're down the street). We rely on them to help with my 15 y/o step son who is bipolar who self harms and has suicidal tendencies. Which means he needs supervision 24/7 until the doctors can get his meds straight and he's no longer a danger to himself. They never complain about watching him either. But trying to keep their drama out of my house is proving to be more work than it should. We try to set boundaries but when we do- MASSIVE guilt trip.
My FIL has major anger issues- which then my MIL blames on his meds, or his unresolved issues with his dad or his issues with my husband. Honestly- I don't give a crap. He's an adult- he needs to work on his issues or find a professional. I'm sick and tired of his 'issues' becoming my families issues. My hubby is bipolar, my step son is bipolar and to top it off I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. We have enough drama with the 3 of us.
It got so bad one night my FIL got so verbally aggressive with my MIL, my son (who is 15) was terrified of him. Needless to say I was furious and refused to let them see him until he (FIL) could get his act together. Then I was accused of using my son as a bartering tool. (SERIOUSLY!!??!!)
What it comes down to I'm sick of guilt trips. Just over the weekend my in laws asked if we could move a dryer for them. Normally this wouldn't be an issue- but they picked a day when we had company over and we were cleaning out a room in my house so my husband's friend can stay with us for a while since he's switching jobs. My in laws assumed we could just drop everything and go over and move a dryer. (Nevermind my FIL had PAID to have it delivered and moved down the stairs by professionals but decided he couldn't wait 3 hrs and wanted it now.) We told them we were busy- and that hubby's friend couldn't help because he had plans after we were done. We get the "Oh we'll just do it tomorrow since we have plans tonight too". Ok- fine. Sunday we are still cleaning the room and the rest of the house. We were in the middle of moving boxes and they want us to come over and move the dryer down stairs. Told them we were busy- but we could stop by in a few hours and do it. Later on we go over their and they had already called my husbands Brother in law, who lives 30 min away, to help because they couldn't wait. Then my MIL complains to me that her back hurts. (Never mind I just got out of PT for a slipped disc.)
I set boundaries- told them what WE can do since we cant just drop everything, every time they want us too and i get this guilt trip. This is getting ridiculous- they're grown adults.
Sorry for the long rant. I figured some back story on how my in laws are would help. Normally moving a dryer isn't a big issue- and family does stuff like that for each other. But this is nuts. Normally you go with what the person helping you can do- not throw a hissy because you can't do it when THEY want.
Oh- and i've already tried talking to my MIL about this. She's a runner. She'll either physically LEAVE the area or completely shut down when you try to talk to her about any issues. Never mind her profession is a therapist. Funny, isn't it?
Yes, it is ironic that your MIL is a therapist yet she avoids (denies?) issues staring her in her face.
Boundaries can be very difficult to enforce. They are the easiest to enforce when our parents want things from us, but we don't need much from them. It sounds like you both want/need help from each other. Perhaps it is time to work on the framework of requests, but not when either of you have immediate needs.
I sometimes find that having indepth discussions with a person about problems is impossible. In cases like that, I like to "plant seeds" of discussions and let them think about things for a bit. Then talk to them later about the issues. It may take time, but it is better than not making any progress.
Gentle hugs, and again welcome!
MIL very much denies issues. She normally wasn't so bad- but in the last view years she's just not as sharp (for lack of better term) as she used to be. We've tried to voice our concerns because I have to wonder is there is something medically going on- but she refuses to acknowledge it. Which is normal. Who wants to face their mortality? At this point its just a waiting game until she realizes it. We're at our limit though with how much garbage we can take. (We feel like rotten kids, but it's true)
But I do like "plant seeds" idea. I'll try that. Anything is better than nothing at this point.