Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
A lot of you know my story and know that mom is a complainer, a hypochondriac and a master manipulator. She is down right nasty to me and I actual carry anxiety meds around because it has become that bad. Lately, I have been trying to get at the bottom of why she picks on me so much.....and it is always he same answer....she NEVER said any of it. Once she even told me that *I* must need help. We just went through another round. I left her house in tears yesterday when she SCREAMED about how mad she was at me because I refuse to sleep over her house after she has dental surgery. I never said I would not do (I don't want to...but I have to or else my brother screams at me that I am not doing my share- a whole other story). She asked me 6 times and I said yes 6 times.
But she was screaming like a banshee yesterday, and today she called pretty as you please and when I asked her about yesterday she denied it ever happened.
This HAS happened before. I will be mentioning it to her doctor. But these angry outbursts directed at me are going to kill me. I am already dealing with my own severe depression, grief over my deceased youngest brother, my own health issues. the loss of hours at work, a failing marriage and all mom's other nonsense.
Can anyone relate?
But she was screaming like a banshee yesterday, and today she called pretty as you please and when I asked her about yesterday she denied it ever happened.
This HAS happened before. I will be mentioning it to her doctor. But these angry outbursts directed at me are going to kill me. I am already dealing with my own severe depression, grief over my deceased youngest brother, my own health issues. the loss of hours at work, a failing marriage and all mom's other nonsense.
Can anyone relate?
Its the only way.
Your brother is a different story. He needs to understand what is going on. You might try recording the encounters with your mom so he can hear them. The last thing you need is a triangle relationship.
"Hey Bro, I'm going to the store to get groceries. Log that on your list."
"Hey Bro, just got back from the store. We got {give list of stuff bought}. Log that on your list."
Then when you talk to your brother ask him to compare the list of things that you do versus what he does. Pin him down.
Pin him down HARD!
The victory comes from him admitting that you do a lot. Hopefully he will see that mom is being manipulative. This takes a negative and turns it into a positive.
My "In your face" method with your brother may not be your style (I'm angry for you, so it colors my thoughts! I've calmed down a bit and am editing my reply now!)
What ever you do with your brother, keep in mind that swinging him from a negative to a positive is the goal. You might need to tell him (kindly) that between mom and him you are being overloaded with negative comments, and if it does not change you may just have to abandon them both!
Dealing with your mom will be hard. Be ready for her to swat the recorder out of your hand. So getting 2 (or 3?) of them may be the ticket. Make sure that you copy things so that when you play it for mom you can tell her that: "Fine, I have a copy at home and will be happy to play that one for you as well."
It may be a good idea to play these tapes for your brother as well.
TroJan and Tater have good ideas: setting limits is crucial for abusive parents. When they cross the line, BAM you are gone! Abusive people prey on our need to be kind and polite. Rather than return fire with fire, we need to "demote" these people, their opinions about us no longer matter to us.
Gentle hugs, yours is one of the hard journeys.
Alright, back to the post. If you have a smart phone you can record her that way also. I'd do the same thing. Start bombarding him with texts to let him know what you're doing for her at all times. See if he likes that. Course you might get a little frustrated at all the texts. BUT, it's the best way for him to see everything you're doing.
I've recorded my mother SOOOOO many times (after my DH leaves in the morning), that's when Mommy starts with the insults. He was shocked at how many mornings these shenanigans of hers occur.... LOVE my phone!