Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Before my father died 18 years ago, he did everything from paying bills to grocery shopping. Mom was not expected to have a job-just to raise her children...something *I* took over when I was old enough because even that seemed to be too much for her. When dad died she told us we owe her and expected us to do EVERYTHING for her. The woman had a license and even refused to drive! My youngest brother was most helpful....he lived at home and had no job. We lost him 3 years ago. My other brother and i are married and have jobs. He is on overload because his wife has cancer. I am on overload because I have been dealing with depression since my teen years, and I am currently trying to hold my marriage together.
Mom has become verbally abusive to me. I have been accused of wanting to get rid of her. She demands..never says please or thank you. She has somehow convinced my brother that I am not doing enough for her. He feels that since my hours were cut to part time, i should be doing more anyway, and told me he will never talk to me again if I do not stop complaining and do more. Part of the problem is that when she wants something done.....it has to be done when she wants it done, whether or not it fits in my schedule.
She uses the ER like crazy, for non-emergencies. if I am not home when she needs to go, i am accused of ignoring phone messages. She is currently complaining that she needs more help because she is not getting ANY. I got snapped at when i asked what kind of help. We get her groceries, do her banking, get her to church, take out her garbage and transport her to all family events. She gets meals delivered, meds delivered. Her rides to the doctors are provided either by me , or one of 2 volunteer groups she is eligible for. She has a cleaning lady, a physical therapist that comes to the home and a counselor that comes to the home. WTH is she NOT getting? What am I missing here!?!?
Yes, there are medical issues. She has MS and cancer. She readily admits the cancer does not bother her, it is the MS. Her boyfriend also has MS and lives in a handicapped accessible home that he wishes to share with her but she refuses. I found a home for her 2 houses away from me, she refused. And if we mention assisted living, she threatens to kill herself.
I am tired and very near the end of my rope. She says something to me then denies ever saying it. She can twist a conversation around so badly that it reduces me to tears. I honestly do not want anything more to do with her, or my brother for that matter. And that is NOT like me at all. I am 55. I want a life. God forgive me.....I am a horrible person.
Mom has become verbally abusive to me. I have been accused of wanting to get rid of her. She demands..never says please or thank you. She has somehow convinced my brother that I am not doing enough for her. He feels that since my hours were cut to part time, i should be doing more anyway, and told me he will never talk to me again if I do not stop complaining and do more. Part of the problem is that when she wants something done.....it has to be done when she wants it done, whether or not it fits in my schedule.
She uses the ER like crazy, for non-emergencies. if I am not home when she needs to go, i am accused of ignoring phone messages. She is currently complaining that she needs more help because she is not getting ANY. I got snapped at when i asked what kind of help. We get her groceries, do her banking, get her to church, take out her garbage and transport her to all family events. She gets meals delivered, meds delivered. Her rides to the doctors are provided either by me , or one of 2 volunteer groups she is eligible for. She has a cleaning lady, a physical therapist that comes to the home and a counselor that comes to the home. WTH is she NOT getting? What am I missing here!?!?
Yes, there are medical issues. She has MS and cancer. She readily admits the cancer does not bother her, it is the MS. Her boyfriend also has MS and lives in a handicapped accessible home that he wishes to share with her but she refuses. I found a home for her 2 houses away from me, she refused. And if we mention assisted living, she threatens to kill herself.
I am tired and very near the end of my rope. She says something to me then denies ever saying it. She can twist a conversation around so badly that it reduces me to tears. I honestly do not want anything more to do with her, or my brother for that matter. And that is NOT like me at all. I am 55. I want a life. God forgive me.....I am a horrible person.
Any threats she makes should be met with a very stern retort that her outbursts and behaviors will not be tolerated.
I don't think your missing a thing; what's really going on is that your mother is very accustomed to a lifetime of people jumping at her slightest whim. And now, when her whims are not met with the speed she's been accustomed to she threatens. She's essentially become an attention vampire! You need to start pushing back and reclaim your own space.
Your mom wants you to make her life better without regard to its impact on your life. That is the most perfect real life definition of selfish I have every encountered.
She is unwilling to make compromises in her schedule to accommodate your needs. That is selfish and rude.
She denies past events. That is either being a liar or having a very VERY bad memory.
You are not a horrible person.
I am going to go out on a bit of a limb here. I suspect there is some faulty logic going on here. You seem to have two assumptions going on: first that somebody involved is a horrible person, and second that your mother is not a horrible person. You have come to the conclusion that it must be you who is a horrible person.
This faulty logic has a name, it is called depression.
Once you accept the possibility that it could be your mother who is the horrible person, then depression loses some of its grip on you.
Most of us on this board have had to struggle with setting limits on our parents.
Start small but think big.
It is not easy but it CAN be done!
I agree you need to decide on boundaries. Then I would have a meeting with your mom and brother. Calmly explain what your willing and able to do. Figure out what needs you can't meet and work with your mom and brother to find solutions.
Then stick to it. Just because you work part-time doesn't mean you have more time for mom. Maybe you need the income and a other part-time job. You have a right to a life.