Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
I know someone who has a mother who is 84. He had given up 2 marriages to move in with her and take care of her. She is very mean to him and talks down to him. She doesn't want him to have anyone in his life but HER. he has tried to date and have a real relationship, but can't because she causes trouble for him. He wants to be able to move out and still check on her, but he is so afraid and full of guilt to do so because she controls him his whole life!
He has a sister who lives about 5 hours away, and she is put on a pedestal . and only comes around to visit every few months or so. He takes the brunt of everything.
How does one, take their own life back, and have want THEY want to do, without feeling so guilty and feeling like it's your "responsibility" She beats him down everyday emotionally and treats him like a nobody. AND it's her 58 year old son!
When he was married twice, she wouldn't let the wives near her house, and didn't want anything to do with them. He even moved out of state once, and found himself moving back and getting divorced because he couldnt', "balance" the two as he said. in all the while.. it was her making it hard for him to have his own life.
She is a controller, and has done this to him his whole life.
Any ideas? He wont' seek help. Says he doesn't need it. that he can handle it.
He has a sister who lives about 5 hours away, and she is put on a pedestal . and only comes around to visit every few months or so. He takes the brunt of everything.
How does one, take their own life back, and have want THEY want to do, without feeling so guilty and feeling like it's your "responsibility" She beats him down everyday emotionally and treats him like a nobody. AND it's her 58 year old son!
When he was married twice, she wouldn't let the wives near her house, and didn't want anything to do with them. He even moved out of state once, and found himself moving back and getting divorced because he couldnt', "balance" the two as he said. in all the while.. it was her making it hard for him to have his own life.
She is a controller, and has done this to him his whole life.
Any ideas? He wont' seek help. Says he doesn't need it. that he can handle it.
The other consideration is that at 84 mom may not have many years left. So in time this would work itself out. Of course I can't imagine how your friend will feel at that point. Again he really needs a great therapist.
You might be able to find some "magic words" that make him see his situation realistically, but don't bank on it.
When we marry, we leave mother and father's home and cleave only to our spouse. That means spouse comes FIRST! No matter what, spouse comes first.
he is choosing mother over wives right now. There is no balance.
Point out that if he was "handling it", he would still be married.
If he won't therapy, there is not much else you can do save point out the abuse of this woman. Tell stories using details from his life but change enough so it does not sound like his life to him.
I feel bad because he has nobody else, yet he isolates himself from everyone by lashing out verbally at them. I'm actually at risk of losing my job because I've taken so many personal days between being sick myself and taking care of (and clinging to?) my father who's been in and out of the hospital more times than I'd like to admit.
Hopefully your friend comes to the realization that he needs help, and the sooner the better... other than that, it's not your responsibility to "fix" him. As they say, "you can lead a horse to water..."
That's a major (red flag) that he actually moved out of state and then returned and divorced his wife all to please his mother? Any man that marries and is not allowed to bring that person into their mother's home and the husband finds that behavior acceptable is not anyone that you want to continue a relationship with.
Pep was right; there's no magic words to use here that would suddently wake this man up to see the light.
Hope there are no kids caught up in the mess but would be surprised if not.