Hi annewinnie- Please consider talking to a counselor about your stresses & how they cause you to feel divided loyalty. I have in the past & it has been helpful for me.
When I feel "stuck" in the same place as you, I remember my wedding vows: "For Better or For Worse".
Please look into getting respite time. Perhaps through your insurance or through a county/state agency? The respite time is like a reset button- you feel refreshed! Other members of this community will be able to guide you along in finding respite time.
Best of luck & Hugs, MelodyJane

When my wife and I were first married and for years, we too would go out on New Years eve and party with family and friends if I wasn't working. If I was working, she and I would go out and party on our own a day or two before or after. When she became handicapped, our plans had to change and we had to restrict our New Years celebration to a nice meal at a restaurant and then return home....that was all she could handle. The four years before her passing, we had to resign our celebration to home and finally a nursing home, with a special meal I made.

Yes, we both wanted to go out, but were in no position to do so. Many things we wanted, particularly better health for her, but we had to adjust as conditions changed.

Resentment and anger for getting placed in a caregiver role we never expected or wanted is understandable and normal. I was a 24/7 caregiver for 6 yrs, and I had to battle those feelings often. But, in the end, they do nothing for your well being or that of your spouse. As a caregiver, we need to understand the one we are caring for didn't ask for or want their illness, nor burden us with their inability to do things for themselves. They too have resentment and anger issues to deal with as well because of what they have to deal with. Over the years, I complained often about being a caregiver and all I had to deal with in taking care of my wife, but then when I would reflect on the pain and suffering my wife was experiencing and knowing her dislike of the burden she was placing on me, did I really have a reason to complain?

I don't know how much you and your wife talk about your (you and her) situation, but it sounds like you need to sit down with her and tell her much of the what you told us here. Tell her how you feel, so she understands.....and then let her tell you how she feels too and listen hard. Each of you need to understand the limits of the other and discuss how to prevent exceeding those limits.

A couple of places to seek assistance: Contact your county health department; they can give you a list of agencies that may be able to help. Contact the Social Services Dept. at your local hospital for possible aid. Ask her doctors and any nurses if they know where to go for assistance. And if a church member, approach your pastor or minister for assistance. There is help out there....unfortunately you have to seek it

Been there, done that!

I can't add much to what Dan wrote except to say that their are places to get some respite coverage but you will have to dig. Home health aids, and skilled nursing care agencies like "Caregivers" are godsends. Good luck in the new year with all your caregiving duties and your search for some help. Keep at it you will find some, don't get discouraged. Hugs to you, Sandy

thank you caring1 for your words.you are right in what you had to say. its always comforting to hear your own fears and thoughts from someone else. makes one feel not so alone. your words really hit home for me. ty

Me, my Gran and my Brother went out for a meal at a local Hotel yesterday Afternoon. It proved some vital quality time after her complaining about this, that and thon during the Christmas period.

It can get even worse if the person you're caring for is able bodied and they are so set in their ways. (Gran's 88 and still wouldn't accept she can't do as much as she could when she was younger) We can only love them and hang in there when the going's tough.