My husband of 8 years is dying of stomach cancer. I was devastated and frightened when he told me back in september. This is my 2nd husband. my 1st marriage was not a happy one. This husband was wonderful. He was a good provider, a kind and caring person. Now he is just a shell of himself. He is in hospice care now and very weak. It's terrible to see him this way.

Here is some history on me. I'm from a very dysfunction family. My mother was an alcoholic and drank herself to death. We lived in country where I was kept fairly isolated. At school, the other children didn't like me. I was ruthlessly picked on daily. I was a nice child. I just wanted to be friends with the others. I had almost no friends growing up. I was and still am a very lonely person. My life has been filled with people treating me cruelly or pretending to be my friend and stabbing me in the back. You would think I would turn back on the human race completely by now but I don't. For some reason I still have a need to loved and accepted.

Back to my current situation. Even though I love my husband, I found myself failing for another. He is a neighbor my husband made friends with original know I'm the one he talks to. Our friend is a nice person but he's in a tough spot. He has very bad arthritis and can't work therefore he's on disability. He doesn't get much. He is in community college so he is trying to better himself which is more that I can say for many other people I've ran into. The thing that I question is that my friend does borrow a lot of money from me. He does have a good history of paying me back. I didn't write up an I.O.U. and had him sign it for amount he just borrowed. What I don't completely understand is why does this man have such an affect on me? Is it my husband's impending death and I'm subconsciously seeking another mate to take his place? Is it because I'm afraid to be alone? Is it because God has brought this man into my life because he needs someone like me?
I WILL NOT CHEAT ON MY HUSBAND! I just wanted to make that clear. I will keep my feelings to my self and just be friends with my friend until after my husband's passing and the time seems right.
I don't really have any friends now. Just two outside of family. The man I've been talking to and my son's grandmother.
When I split up with my 1st husband, it was 3 years before anyone asked me out. The only one to ask me out was my 2nd husband. During that time between husbands was very lonely and frustrating. I don't want to go through that again. Now, I'm older and my looks have faded all the more. I don't have time to wait around for years for another man. I can't endure another long stretch of loneliness.
I know I sound a ghoul for all this but I was told by my husband's nurse that a spouse starting to feel like moving on was not unusual. I can't stand living in limbo. I've done it before and it's and unpleasant place.
If you would like to respond to my post, please be kind. I've been in other forums where users tear each other apart. That is the last thing people need when they are hurting.
Again, I didn't want any of this to happen. I love my husband very much. I wanted our family to be a happy and loving one. I don't want my husband to die but there's nothing I can do to stop it. It's out of my hands.