Caregivers Support Group
A voluntary caregiver is a spouse, relative, friend or neighbor of a disabled person or child who assists with activities of daily living and assists those unable to fully take care of themselves. The challenges of a caregiver are unique and sometimes it's hard to find people to talk to who know what you're going through. Join the conversation and find others who...
I have been married to my husband for 6 years, and we have been together for 9 years. He has severe OCD (more specifically Pure-O). He also has anxiety issues tied into this, and has developed hypochondria over the past several years. His main OCD focuses are around health and everyones general happiness and well-being. This translates to freak outs over everyone in his familys doctors appointments, illnesses (no matter how insignificant), etc. If you take an hour off of work, its 20 questions about whether you are secretly seeing a doctor. His own concerns with his health have turned on himself that every ache and pain is a death sentence hes been (off and on) sure that he has Leukemia and that doctors are overlooking it. Besides his CBT doctor (which he plans to quit seeing because he thinks CBT makes him worse) and his psychiatrist for meds, hes not running to the doctor all the time though he asks if he should. He reassurance seeks with me and his parents all the time. He goes through good and bad periods. When no one has upcoming doctors appointments or sick and hes not going through a med change, he can be pretty stable at times. Maybe only reassurance seeking 5-10 times per day, though Ive noticed my idea of normal has changed so much over the years.
I finally got fed up with the cycle. When things were bad, I longed to be free of all of it counting the hours until hed go to bed or when I would have a work trip, or would go to visit his parents. Then things would get a little better, and Id think ok I can do this. Then back and forth like that and more dramatically so over the last couple of years.
Sometime this year, I think I just hit a breaking point. We are in our early 30s and have chosen a childfree lifestyle, and I dont want to spend my life this way. Just waiting for the time to pass and wondering when the next bomb will drop to rock our little world.
Then like any marriage we have a host of other secondary issues: my parents havent always made the hugest effort with him and he has a huge chip on his shoulder about them, as a result to the point that hes said hed rather not have to see them anymore and I can do all visiting alone (except maybe once or twice a year, he says he might go and fake it); he has, though he disagrees, a very co-dependent relationship with his parents 20 emails a day (not long ones, just constant checking in), several phone calls we cant go on a digital break vacation, because he has to be able to check in with them.
Then the other lower tier issues like different spending habits my need for stability through some type of savings but watching all of our money fly out the door every month on silly stuff (no willingness on his part to financially plan we have it, we spend it); household chores besides lawn mowing and taking out the trash and sometimes dishes everything else is on me arranging for home maintenance, trimming shrubs, cleaning, cooking, laundry, painting, upkeep sometimes I feel like a parent. Again, these are all minor things that could be worked out. You just pile that on top of the big issues, and you wonder whats left.
I came home yesterday and couldnt hold it in anymore, I said I couldnt stay in the marriage. Though wed had, what I thought were, some pretty candid discussions over the past couple of months, he was totally blindsided. We spent the next 3 hours sobbing together, hugging, holding hands, him begging me to consider therapy. My issue with therapy is that I dont doubt he can try for a while and make things seem better. But its not going to cure his OCD hell be in a good place until someone gets sick or hes worried about a new thing. It wont stop the lifelong rollercoaster.
We slept in separate beds last night and every time I see him, I just start sobbing he hugs me and tells me how much he loves and respects me, and how he believes that we can make this work. I SO want that to be the case. I just dont know how it can. I am a realist and when Im thinking about it logically, I know the past year few years have been bad and just seem to get worse each year. He says its because hes been taking our marriage for granted and hell stop that and try harder. But hes said that hed try harder many times before when he knew I was having a hard time with it. I didnt bring up divorce to scare him, I felt really resolute in that decision. Until I have to look at him and see him hurting, and feel my own hurt and think about life without him. How on earth do I make a decision that I can live with?
I finally got fed up with the cycle. When things were bad, I longed to be free of all of it counting the hours until hed go to bed or when I would have a work trip, or would go to visit his parents. Then things would get a little better, and Id think ok I can do this. Then back and forth like that and more dramatically so over the last couple of years.
Sometime this year, I think I just hit a breaking point. We are in our early 30s and have chosen a childfree lifestyle, and I dont want to spend my life this way. Just waiting for the time to pass and wondering when the next bomb will drop to rock our little world.
Then like any marriage we have a host of other secondary issues: my parents havent always made the hugest effort with him and he has a huge chip on his shoulder about them, as a result to the point that hes said hed rather not have to see them anymore and I can do all visiting alone (except maybe once or twice a year, he says he might go and fake it); he has, though he disagrees, a very co-dependent relationship with his parents 20 emails a day (not long ones, just constant checking in), several phone calls we cant go on a digital break vacation, because he has to be able to check in with them.
Then the other lower tier issues like different spending habits my need for stability through some type of savings but watching all of our money fly out the door every month on silly stuff (no willingness on his part to financially plan we have it, we spend it); household chores besides lawn mowing and taking out the trash and sometimes dishes everything else is on me arranging for home maintenance, trimming shrubs, cleaning, cooking, laundry, painting, upkeep sometimes I feel like a parent. Again, these are all minor things that could be worked out. You just pile that on top of the big issues, and you wonder whats left.
I came home yesterday and couldnt hold it in anymore, I said I couldnt stay in the marriage. Though wed had, what I thought were, some pretty candid discussions over the past couple of months, he was totally blindsided. We spent the next 3 hours sobbing together, hugging, holding hands, him begging me to consider therapy. My issue with therapy is that I dont doubt he can try for a while and make things seem better. But its not going to cure his OCD hell be in a good place until someone gets sick or hes worried about a new thing. It wont stop the lifelong rollercoaster.
We slept in separate beds last night and every time I see him, I just start sobbing he hugs me and tells me how much he loves and respects me, and how he believes that we can make this work. I SO want that to be the case. I just dont know how it can. I am a realist and when Im thinking about it logically, I know the past year few years have been bad and just seem to get worse each year. He says its because hes been taking our marriage for granted and hell stop that and try harder. But hes said that hed try harder many times before when he knew I was having a hard time with it. I didnt bring up divorce to scare him, I felt really resolute in that decision. Until I have to look at him and see him hurting, and feel my own hurt and think about life without him. How on earth do I make a decision that I can live with?
I am the spouse with OCD Thought Disorder. I'm 52 years old. My diagnosis of OCD came earlier this year. I've been dragging this along in my life for 45+ years and, not knowing it until a few months ago.
My first marriage failed to stay together mainly because of his infidelity & unknown at that time my OCD behaviors which eroded his patience & caused a chain reaction of events. He treated me poorly at times for it, neither of us realized I had OCD. But- there is always a rainbow somewhere in a bad situation: I have a wonderful, loving & intelligent daughter because of this union.
My second marriage is about to fall apart. And OCD is the main cause, but not the whole reason. There are other factors involved, but it'll be too cumbersome to get into all of it. My second husband is completely opposite in personality & in spirit compared to my first husband.
Since my diagnosis earlier this year, I have been getting well through CBT. However, due to many unique circumstances in our present marriage, it's not good enough fast enough. My husband has lost patience with my "quirks". Around 20 years or so's worth or quirky-ness. I must admit that I am not quite as paralyzed by this disorder (as some other sufferers are), but it does cause major problems.
Being the one with OCD, I can recognize some of my same verbal responses & temporary behavioral changes your husband shows. And, you are right. This OCD can rear it's ugly head any time despite treatment.
My husband & I suffered two life changing events a few years back & we are struggling to crawl back up to ground level. All of this- written here as well as what has not been disclosed here has put our marriage in jeopardy. He asked me about a divorce & I answered him yes, feeling as resolute as you do. He keeps saying- "you have time". No, I don't need to turn this into an OCD feedback loop. Yet, I am not certain he grasped my answer.
I can live with my decision, I will have guilt to a certain extent due to some of the pressures not disclosed here. But, even though I am the one with OCD, I will be OK on my new path. It is for my husband that I am concerned. I must be sure he has a good support network established. And that will lie with his family; my husband has a very close-knit family & he will be fine. Does your husband have a support network in place? That is one thing I would recommend if you choose to follow through with your decision. You would be wise to set something in place for him. As I am the one with OCD, I know how needful this is to some one with this disorder.
If you do not have the patience to be a caregiver for your husband, then do not feel shame. It is simply who you are, and nothing more. To try to be a caregiver when your heart & soul are not in it would be wrong.
I'm hoping some other Caregivers here will be able to identify with your situation and be able to offer words of advice. All the Members here are terrific people!
Best wishes to you!
MelodyJane "
I actually think it is good you made your statement about divorce. This will be a wake-up call for him - provided he is not driven to the point of self-harm. Has he tried medication to manage the OCD? It sounds harsh, but you need to draw the line for yourself as well. You have the right to a happy healthy life too. It is probably not in your power to fix his illness - since he now knows the stakes perhaps he will be motivated to try.
A separation might be good - so that you can recuperate and he can think about what he needs to do to manage himself - hopefully he has insight into his situation. A break will really bring the point home - I think perhaps it is a male phenomenon - to recognize actions and not just words. If there is any hope of things working out that would be a good starting point in my opinion. All the best. It is good that you are caring for you!