My husband was recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I've taken care of him through health crisis situations before (2 emergency surgeries) but my emotions this time are so different because this time it's a chronic illness with no cure, and it's not going to go away. In the past few months Ihave felt:
-denial - I wanted the dr to find something else wrong, something with a cure.
-anger - because it seems that his fibro was triggered by the surgery/infection he had one year ago. Even before this, we both felt that the doctors neglected to provide proper care and he became a lot more sick than he would've been because of the neglect (long story). So I started to wonder if he would've ended up with fibro if they would've taken better care of him then. I know its a pointless way of thinking but it made me really angry
-physical pain - I've been having problems with my knee (don't worry im taking care of it and I've seen a physio about it) but all this means that when im sore, I need to push through it
-exhaustion - our baby is only 3 months old and there's still a lot of night feedings. Even though im formula feeding, my husband is still unable to help with nights, so its all up to me. I have had people come over and babysit during the day so I can have a nap, and that helps a lot
-guilt - when I worry too much about myself, I feel like I'm being selfish. I get a babysitter once a week so I can go to zumba, because its something I love, and it makes me feel good and not worry about anything for an hour. Most of the time, I feel great about this because I know I need to take care of myself. But sometimes, even though I know its silly, I feel guilt for thinking of myself. I feel like our new baby doesnt get enough attention because im so busy with errands and the toddler takes so much attention and any time I look after myself its taking even more time from him - like I said I know its silly because im doing the best I can and I have to take care of me so I can take care of them, but that doesn't stop me from feeling guilt sometimes. (By the way, the reason I need a babysitter is because my husband was actually told after the seizure not to be alone with the baby for the first three months in case he has another seizure, because he could drop him or fall on him. But even without that, he's not up to handling the kids on his own yet anyway. It hurts him to hold the baby, pick him up, etc. And the toddler has a ton of energy and my husband usually cant keep up now. And they can be noisy too, and my husband can't handle the noise when he has a migraine, and they can come on suddenly).
-fear - about what our life is going to be like
-heartbreak - watching him suffer breaks my heart
-loneliness - sometimes his fibro fog is so deep that its like he's gone and I feel like I've lost my best friend
-overwhelmed - I'm now taking care of him, as well as a toddler, baby, dog, and all the household tasks and driving (on top of the fibro, he also had a aeizure they feel was related to the lack of sleep, but just in case of another one, he's not allowed to drive for 3 months)
-hurt- he's in so much pain and suffering so much emotionally that he's not very thoughtful sometimes in the things he says and does. He apologizes and feels awful when he realizes it, and I try to remember where its coming from, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt
-worried that people are judging me- ive asked for help from our church community, and I know its silly, but its hard for me to ask for help, and I've worried that people are judging me for it - no one really understands the full situation
-loss - of the life we thought we'd have...especially in one particular area...before this, he was already sure he didn't think we should have any more kids. I was on the fence about that decision, but now I know we're dobe...I have difficult pregnancies and he wouldn't be able to pick up the slack for me next time...not to mention how hard it would be to handle evrything I'm doing now plus another one. And with our finances up in the air....Its just not going to happen. Sometimes I feel at peace about that and sometimes I grieve because I always thought we'd have a big family and I always wanted a daughter
-hope - I believe its going to get better, once he finds the right combination of treatments. I still believe hes going to be able to work again. I have to hold on to that hope to keep going.
-fulfillment in my new role - when I stop feeling sorry for myself, and just focus on taking care of my family and dealing with the "new normal" I find joy in being a great mother and wife. We have such precious children and so much love in our family that I can see that despite the challenges, we are very blessed too
-determination - I am determind to try anything that will help him. I'm readyto fight for our marriage to succeed (most with chronic illness dont) and for the best life we can have
-an increase in faith- I know not everyone reading this will share my religious belief, but I feel this situation has made me draw closer to god. There's no way I could do all this alone, so I'm depending on god and prayer to help me more than ever before and I can feel my faith increasing as I exercise it
-surprise at what I can handle - i can do a lot more than I ever thought I was capable of before

Wow thats a lot. I mostly just wanted to write that all out and have it be read by someone who could understand. Thanks for listening!!!