Hi loveblued, Well it's nice you have a family member (your father ) inviting you for Christmas dinner. As a caregiver myself I cherish not having to cook, lol ! In his way it seems to me he is taking care of you.

So sad about your friend's daughter attempting suicide. I will keep her in my prayers.

Perhaps you could have someone (not you) remind your daughter inlaw about your husbands fragile state and offer to babysit somewhere else.

You cannot help everyone in the family with their problems. You are only human. Try to not feel guilty for that my friend.

Glad you came here to vent. I hope you're feeling better.

Many hugs, Gwen :-)

Loveblued please don't be hard on yourself. Caring for your husband and keeping yourself healthy is your focus. Hubby and I know our limitations, you know your limitations, don't feel guilty for saying no. You may have to put the breaks on the daughter in law and be firm that you won't be babysitting. Keep getting as much sleep as you can. It's the best stress reliever.

I'm sorry for your family and friends troubles. Sometimes others problems can be the straw that breaks the camels back when you have enough to handle physically and mentally. Friends and family were told we don't turn phones on until after 1pm and are off after 7pm. We screen all calls. If it's important leave a message. I return calls when it's convenient. I ignore the door if I'm not in the mood to be hostess. I used to feel guilty until I realized how much more calm my life is and this is my house. I've weeded out those with needy drama. Being a caregiver is the biggest need and about all I can handle. I have no problem being a bit of a hermit and bitchy if need be. Being a caregiver is stressful enough. We need outside contact but when we choose not on others schedules.

Like your spouse mine can't handle much noise or upset. I have had to be the bad guy and make it clear "NO!" often. It gets easier to say no when you see the results in how much more rested and calm your home is.

Girl, enjoy a nice holiday dinner with your dad you won't regret it. Write on here or write me if you are feeling overwhelmed and need to vent.

Hugs and prayers
Sandy

Dear Loveblued, you really don't need to feel guilty when you say "NO" to people. And your daughter-in-law needs to be dealt with firmly, because she sounds like a very selfish and self-centred person. You really need to draw the line with her. This is not easy, but she needs to face up to her own responsibilities, just as you are facing up to yours.

I have always been a very soft-hearted person, feeling guilty to say "NO" to people. But lately all the preasures of being a caregiver for many years now, caused me to crack up, and I've become a real bitch. Last month I chased my older daughter and granddaughter of 9 out of my house, after 5 years of them just "dumping" on me. Afterwards I felt extremely guilty, but now I appreciate the calmness and peace I have in my life. Forcing my older daughter to stand on her own two feet and face her own responsibilities, was the best thing to do. We now have a better relationship, and she doesn't take me for granted anymore.

Sometimes we have to be cruel, in order to be kind to ourselves.

Thanks for sharing with us! I slightly understand what you are saying. sometimes I just can't handle one more thing going wrong with anyone I know. It used to be that my parents didn't tell me when anything was up because they were afraid it would be too much for me. Now everyone wants to call for advice! It is so difficult since our emotions are just worn out.

My daughter usually is good about making arrangements before hand but when I have my son and then the two babies I am just stressed when they walk in the door! It's too many high need people to have to take care of...We have to take care of our selves without feeling guilty... maybe Dr. Phil can help us figure that one out!! lol...
But that's great news about your dad wanting to do family Christmas!! Yay!

It will settle down...eventually then you will have the normal chaotic day!

thank you all for sharing. it means so much to me because in the past i have felt alone. it seems like most of the people i knew just expected me and life to be the same old way after my husband became so badly disabled.
it hurt and confused me because like i said before i thought "can't u SEE him?" now i will open my mouth and state that.
it helps me and gives me some idea's to about setting limits and boundaries to without drowning in guilt.
i have always been there to help others and i didn't realize how "expected" that was of me. i have had a couple of people in my life that has had enough compassion to see what my husband and me go through and they try or at least ask if there is anything they can do.
maybe i don't like the fact to that those i love just don't seem to care and i am having to see that uncaring for the first time.

My friend, try to not feel guilty when you say no, its time for the kids to help you not be asking for help all the time. You are the most soft hearted, loving, helpful person I know. When we used to work together you were one of the reason I looked forward to going to work. I know you love your children and grandchildren, but that is no excuse for letting the kids use you. Take careof yourself.

God Bless you and your husband, I do not have the same situation but as a caregiver I have been doing it since I was a child. Now my mother's health is declining and she has lived with me for years and this is difficult and stressful to accept. I work full time and as a single parent with an adult special needs daughter and a son in the Navy I am still a caregiver. I feel guilty because I get frustrated and upset. I understand what you said about the phone being an enemy, I never thought of it that way. My mom has been at my sister's for the past week and I took a couple days off work and found some calm in my head but I look at my phone with anxiety and when I had no text or voice mail I breath a sigh of relief. I can only describe it as no more capacity in my brain to make a decision or fix or do for anyone else right now. The smallest things when I get to this point are too much. My mom has an appointment with the doctor tomorrow and my sister will take her but she calls me asking what time it is. I told her I did not have it anymore (I had already given the info to her the week before when I made the appt) I told her to call the office first thing in the AM and ask them and sister says I do not have the number so instead of my usual, "I will look it up and text it to you"as I feel my anxiety rising. I say "GOOGLE IT that is how I find it". I am going to take better emotional care of myself this year and remind everyone that I do not have a "Super Hero" cape. Thanks for sharing and letting me vent. I feel better.