Caregivers Support Group

A voluntary caregiver is a spouse, relative, friend or neighbor of a disabled person or child who assists with activities of daily living and assists those unable to fully take care of themselves. The challenges of a caregiver are unique and sometimes it's hard to find people to talk to who know what you're going through. Join the conversation and find others who...

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ldab 12/23/2013

I am trying to except that my "partner" of five years has a terminal illness. We were supposed to be married soon... However after finding out about this diagnosis he wanted to do an estate plan first.

He owns his business(he can't work anymore but shows up everyday). I work for him and so do his grown son's. Needless to say the son's have put their foot down and we are not getting married anymore... my heart is broken. I have cared for him since his symptoms first developed over a year ago. I have to do everything for him and my responsibilities are growing daily.

I don't see how I can care for him and go back to work. I don't see how his sons can be so ungrateful for what I do for him. I hate thinking of ever being here without him, but when I do I get so scared. Things we have bought over the years, all belong to his kids. I will have to likely move in with my parents... Everyday I worry and live in fear.

His symptoms are getting worse.. I feel so alone... Its only going to get worse and I wish I didn't feel so used..

captainhardass 12/23/2013

if youve been with him 5 years and he doesnt feel the need to include you in the division of his estate, dump his ass and let the sons care for him at his end of life. personal caregiving is a dramatic and draining life event and its worth is incalculable.

deleted_user 12/23/2013

Your partner needs to get a Will made immediately and he should provide for you in some way in that will. There is no need for him to tell his sons he is doing so, though he probably will. He can have his lawyer draw up the Will to provide for you and for his sons. If he won't do so, then it's time to leave and get yourself back on your feet.

Another option would be to approach a lawyer on your own, and find out what your rights are in the relationship/end of relationship due to death.

Phoebesfriend 12/23/2013

Hi Idab,adding a women's point of view here. You are in control of your relationship after 5 years. Regardless of his wishes for an estate plan, the fact that you are still his active caregiver gives you certain rights. Have a frank talk with your partner. Lay all of the facts out and tell him what his son's are doing girl ! If he refuses to take a stand.....WALK ...and don't look back.

Hugs. Phoebe

ldab 12/27/2013

Thanks guys. Not what I wanted to hear but maybe what I needed to hear. I'm not sure if I can physically go back to work, but I'm going to have to try. His boys are already losing patience with his behavior and symptoms.... My only fear is that there is no way they can handle it.. More than likely I will get comfortable in a new job..... And then they will throw their hands up and tell me to come back.

Bootbaron 12/27/2013

Cap'n, you are insane, you say it like it is and I adore you for it.

Bootbaron 12/27/2013

Idab,
Surely you didn't mean you are afraid they will "tell you to come back"!! You must remember your own strength and contributions to this relationship. You are not a wimp, his sons are. And if your companion does not support you, you are not a doormat, HE is. So if he doesn't do right by you, wipe your determined feet off on him and moon your way out of his life. In the end, NO one is responsible for you but you.

MelodyJane 12/27/2013

What Everyone Said!
Hugs, MelodyJane

And, yes Captain, love your straight up point of view, too!

deleted_user 12/31/2013

Idab...This is the exact reason when my partner and I started a life together. I insisted that we see a lawyer and have wills written up, he had no problum with that, and now he is sick also and it is peace of mind that we did that 9yr. ago. Many people advised me on that, because you never know what kids will do. Be strong and hang in there. If you can get him to a lawyer now or have one come to you I would do it..I am a caregiver also and it is very hard......God Bless

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