Career Changes Support Group

This community is dedicated to the difficult challenges of transitioning from one career or job to a new one. Especially as we grow older, it can be very difficult to acquire the skills and relationships and take the financial risk to make the switch.

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Puddinsparkleytoes 01/02/2009

I spent over 16 years in one field and was good at my job and liked it. Right now I am unemployed because I left my old job to move out of state with my husband. I'm currently looking at a job that would be a step up for me and will pay well. IF I can get it. I have some fierce competition though and I'm worried since this is the first REAL shot at returning to my field of choice in over 2 years.

The problem I have been encountering is this....

My husband and I both worked in the same field and it is a small one. In MOST cities, there will be only one employer for this field. Large cities have more options but it will still be limited.

When I gave up my job and moved to a new state with my spouse, it was to give him a chance to gain more experience and I thought I'd be able to kick start my own career as well. I was excited by the prospect of having a chance to expand upon my own career as well. Well, for 2 years now, I have been unable to secure a position in my field of choice because my husband is in an upper management role. (Nepotism)I wasn't an issue at my previous employer because we were in different departments and different titles. His last employer wouldn't hire me in ANY Department because they said others might PERCEIVE that I got my job because of him and they didn't want the hassle. His old employer cost me a job with a contractor when they discovered that I was applying with them, even though my husband planned to recuse himself from any direct association involving me. Long story so I'll skip it.

Now, we're in a new city with a few more options. Short of taking a job in another city, it will be extremely difficult for me to find other work in my field of choice if the job I am currently going for doesn't pan out.

For two years now, I have worked at other jobs that I honestly didn't like while my husband is steadily building on his resume and climbing the corporate ladder.

I know now that I didn't think things through as carefully as I should have and blame myself for lack of foresight. I didn't realize how difficult it was going to be to get back into my field.

In the meantime, I am angry and resentful!!! I feel like I gave up so much while my husband is doing so well with his career. He hit a few bumps but it worked out for him. I know that the decision to leave my old job was my own but I just can't help the anger and resentment I am feeling. It's hard to keep it to myself when I see how successful he has become when I keep thinking that I used to do the same thing he does.

I try hard to be happy for him and I am to a point. If I can get back to what I know and am good at, my outlook will improve but I've been struggling with this for such a long time now. How can you truly be happy for someone when you think of what you gave up for them to achieve their success?

soulsearcher83 01/05/2009

I got my AAS in Radio and Television. I couldn't find full time gainful employment after graduating. I worked part time at the local news station for minimum wage doing camera work. I did a few freelance jobs here and there but nothing substantial.

So after several years of frustration I decided to go back to school and am going to be a physical therapist assistant. I don't know if I'll attempt going back to the radio/tv thing. Probably not full time because it's not as glamorous as you think.

I've seen many of my classmates change careers, flourish, and completely fall. Yes I've been jealous of the few that have flourished but what's done is done and I'm happy about my new direction.

Is going back to school an option for you? Have you considered changing careers, and perhaps following your old career path on a part time basis? Can you get more education that will make you a better match for the job? You have plenty of options, even though you don't think so right now. I was so disappointed when the radio/tv thing failed to produce any solid work or career path. At the same time I became sicker and sicker and am temporerally disabled. I deal with clinical depression and it can be very severe. Sorry I'm telling my life story. I mean to say I can relate. I hope something I said helps.

P00hbear 01/07/2009

I like the idea of changing careers, too. Aside from that, careers in relationships can be a challenge. I know that this will sound as if I have no ambition of my own, but that's definitely not the case - I have a degree and once had a well paying job in management, before I started my own business, long story. Anyway, what I was going to say is that seeing my husband happy makes me very happy, and vice versa. To that end, I would sacrifice what is needed for his happines. I don't really consider his happiness to be a sacrifice for me because I love seeing him happy. However, knowing that he feels the same way, and would and has made great sacrifices for me to try to pursue my ideal career makes that much easier. Have you tried talking to him about all of this? Maybe the two of you can work as a team to figure out a way to get your career back on the right path - though one thing I have learned, is that competition between a husband and a wife makes things much more difficult. Do you feel he would help you, or does he feel competitive? Believe me, I have tried to compete with my husband in other areas, and it only made me mad, and him confused. I think it would be easier to let go of the anger and resentment if you knew where he stood on the issue and what he was willing to do.

Puddinsparkleytoes 01/07/2009

Actually, I have been researching another career but am finding so much conflicting information, it's daunting. Frankly though, I really don't want to change careers although I know I will have to if he and I are together. I don't like being put in a position of HAVING to give up my career of choice.

Honestly, I liked my old job. It was a challenge and I enjoyed it. Had he and I never met and gotten married, I would have stayed there till I retired. Some women seem to easily walk away from careers for their marriages but I am one of those people who defines myself by my career and salary. Maybe others won't understand but it is an integral part of me. Stepping aside for "my Man and HIS happiness" isn't a what I consider an option. Certainly not one I can accept with grace. Maybe that makes me selfish to want to work where I want to work, without interferance. I want to be happy in my career, too.

soulsearcher83 01/07/2009

Don't substitute your judgement for mine but truthfully, I believe your marriage should come first. The only way to figure this out is to have an honest discussion with your husband and tell him all the things you wrote here. If you don't do that, your marriage will either continue in misery or end in misery.

Don't be afraid to look at different career options. I swore I'd never want to do anything in healthcare but here I am, going into physical therapy. Use the occupational outlook handbook to find out more about different careers. Also go to your local community college and see if you can take a career test. It may help you narrow your focus if you do decide to change careers. Good luck.

http://www.bls.gov/OCO/

P00hbear 01/09/2009

Hi, I'd like to clarify further what I said in my last post. I don't believe a woman should step aside and put herself or even her career aside for a man's happiness. I do believe that a couple should endeavor to make each other happy, and usually that means sacrifices on both sides - each side has to give a little. I am willing to make sacrifices for my husband's happiness because making him happy makes me happy - however, this does not mean indefinitely, and the only reason I would even consider it, is because I know when the time came, he would do the same. He was willing to risk our financial security for me to pursue my aspirations and start my own business - and he was very, very scared, but he did it anyway so I could realize my potential. It worked out ok, and we were fine financially, and though I am now back to work, that experience shaped me for the future. Now, if he needs me to do something like that for him, I will - in fact he is pursuing a position in another state. I do NOT want to move, but would if I had to for him to do what he needs to do. Later, it will be my turn again, and so forth. Does this make more sense? Marriage isn't all about one person's career, it's two people working as a team for the betterment of their life together and their future. Also, I would like to add that I did previously define myself by my job, and the power I had. That backfired, since when my job went awry due to the economy, I was devastated - my whole life was defined by what I could do at work and when it was gone, I was no one, or felt like it. Additionally, all those years I had no time for friends and really not even my husband - our dog didn't even know me! All those years of hard work, gone in a flash, all that sacrifice - for nothing. That's when I realized there is a lot more outside of that that defines me, and I am pursuing knowing myself for who I am rather than for what I earn or do. Sounds corny, I know, but it is true. I am an ambitious woman, I understand ambition and I still have it - when I choose to exercise it, I will, but my husband will be with me, and we'll choose to do it together and agree on the sacrifices that need to be made by both of us. An honest talk with your husband about where you both stand does seem to be the best course of action right now.

Puddinsparkleytoes 01/09/2009

Poohbear, I understood your post. When I said that I wasn't one to "step aside for my man and his happiness" I wasn't trying to imply that you were that type or that you meant your response to sound that way. Sorry for the confusion. Honestly, I wish he and I had the kind of relationship you seem to have but both of us are very career-oriented and ambitious. When 2 people are in such a small field, like we are, there will be plenty of conflict. I should have married a plumber. :):)

Soulsearcher, I understand where you are coming from when you say that I should put my marriage first. What makes that so difficult to do for me is that my husband and I have had so many difficulties over the years. We have come close to divorcing and we have tossed out getting a divorce during arguments too many times to count. That kind of thing promotes uncertainty.

I have posted another thread regarding one of our issues which is a lack of trust in one another. We don't trust each other for entirely different reasons though. I have a difficult time having faith in someone who expects the worst from me at times. He is a very harsh, judgemental person and I'm not immune to his judgements. It makes it hard to put his needs above mine.

P00hbear 01/10/2009

Hi Puddinspa, wow, I can see why then it would be hard to work through these issues together. I still believe ambition is fine, but that defining yourself by your career and salary ultimately will disappoint you - not because of your ability, but because when life lets you down, or your company lets you down, there has to be so much more to hold on to, and that has to be found inside you, not outside from external sources such as your job. I have a really mundane job right now, and it is truthfully driving me a little crazy, but were I to be let go tomorrow, I still have myself, my ideas, my passions, and my hobbies, etc to hold on to - all of that which makes me whole, none of that which is my job. I'd love a more challenging job, and if one comes along I will take it, but meanwhile I won't forget who I am. Sorry if I am rambling too much, it's just that I have been there with defining myself by work and I got really hurt so I have come a long way since then...

P00hbear 01/10/2009

I forgot to mention that I wish I did have some advice about your husband and how to handle this issue - since the communication is challenging it may be more difficult. I couldn't find the othr thread to read up on the situation, but I can see that with a lack of trust and his attitude you mentioned in general it would be much harder to openly discuss this issue. I wish I had something concrete that could help...

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