I've been a bit of a job hopper. I never really had that ONE thing I wanted to be when I grew up...other than a mom. I was a great student, loved learning, and I am smart though I don't feel it much lately. I earned a bachelors and masters degree so I should be able to do something amazing, right???

I was a single mom and I took jobs that allowed me the flexibility to be a present mom. Since 1999 I've pretty much worked a job for around 2-3 years and have moved on. I always feel like my reasons are justified, of course. First job, no opportunity for advancement-though I loved the field. I worked in the fitness industry. Next job I worked as an office manager at an autobody shop. I enjoyed the work and there was opportunity for advancement, but I was constantly sexually harassed by the owner. I couldn't take it anymore and one day I went to lunch and never went back. Next job I mixed business and pleasure and let my boss set me up with her cousin, who I ended up marrying and moving away. He was emotionally abusive so I left him and moved back to my hometown. I took a job in sales which I absolutely hated, but I had the potential to make good money. I didn't last long there, but, let's be honest, I knew I wouldn't because I hated the job from day one. I had the opportunity, or so I thought, to take what had become my "dream job" of becoming the director of a humane society. Unfortunately, the board of directors became more afraid of losing the person who had been taking care of the animals more than they really wanted a director to move the organization forward. When the lines of responsibility were "cleared up" for us by the president and vice-president I was given a very obscure job title. When I asked what it meant I was literally told, "Oh, I don't know. I just went on bullshitjobtitles.com and came up with a couple of job titles." I didn't exactly feel valued at that point, nor was I able to do the job I was hired to do. SO when the opportunity to become part of the team to provide care for my terminally ill grandparents so they could live out their remaining years together at home, I jumped at the chance. I was blessed with 3 incredible years providing care for them. During this time, I also helped a friend start a non-profit organization. I also enjoyed this tremendously.

So all at once in 2012, my son graduated from high school and moved away to college, my grandparents died, and my son's father and I reconciled (after 16 years). I was at a starting over point in my life. I moved in with my son's father...who lives on the east coast. After such a checkered career past I decided that I was going to stick with whatever I found. I was feeling like quite the loser for not being able to stay happy and engaged in a job. I took a job as a secretary with the local public school system in the central offices. The start was a bit rocky because the lead secretary was a young gal who was way more interested in her upcoming wedding than working. I assumed many of her duties. She rarely showed up to work, if at all, but would treat me like garbage. I talked to my manager and administrator about it, and they knew she was a problem, but due to the culture of the organization, discipline was a nightmare and often overturned by the executive director, so they preferred to just let her be. She eventually moved on after about a year. I absolutely loved my manager and administrator, we had a great vision for the future of the office and were taking steps to improve operations. This is the type of thing I LOVE. However, employee issues and the lack of leadership support led to a very troubled year and the executive director and human resources basically cut the legs out from under my manager and administrator so my manager took another position in the organization. This did allow me the opportunity to move into his position. In April, my administrator informed me that he was leaving too. In August, my new administrator started and he is horrible. He directs my staff around me, he meets with them and gives them direction, then emails me and tells me that his expectation of me is that I will ensure that they provide him with what he's asked for. If I'm not in on the meeting and I don't know what he's asking for, how can I meet his expectation? I've asked him to work with my staff through me so that I am able to learn how he works, what information he needs, and his vision for the office, but he refused...three times. I am miserable. This is not the relationship I shared with my previous manager and administrator. We were a team. We worked together. I don't want to stay. I want to leave. But this makes me feel like crap about ME. What is wrong with ME? Why can't I make this work? Why can't I put up with his bullying? If I'm really as smart as I think I am, why can't I outsmart this guy? I've been told by people who've been in the department for many years that on average people only stay in my position for 2-3 years before they move on. So, unofficially I did the job for a year while my manager was going through his nightmare and I've officially been in the position for a year and change. I've met the average. So I can move on with my head held high, right? The 2 people I know who held the position in the past both say that getting out of the position is the best decision they've ever made. BUT am I just justifying my desire to leave?

I'm miserable. I've started seeing a counselor because I'm so depressed and anxious and angry. And now I'm on here searching for support. My relationship is suffering. My health is suffering. It makes sense to find somewhere less dysfunctional and toxic to invest my time and talents. But the question remains...why am I not good enough to make this job work???