Bullying Support Group
Bullying is the act of intentionally causing harm to others, through verbal harassment, physical assault, or other more subtle methods of coercion such as manipulation. Bullying can be defined in many different ways, but one thing is clear: no one deserves to be bullied. If you or someone you know is coping with bullying, this is the place to share your feelings and get...
Wanted to relate a story. My son was home and wanted to play basketball with a group I play with with. He came, we chose sides and just as we were about to start, one guy loudly objected and my son couldn't play.
I was mad and next time decided to guard the guy. He played well and on one play I fouled him. "Be careful, you can hurt someone that way," "How about I do whatever the f>>> I want" I replied. Next couple of plays, he pushed me (he's a little bigger ).. I pushed back for several plays. "How about I smack you in the face" he said. I stood, looked him in the eye and said, "go for it." We stared at each other and then a couple of guys broke up the possible fight.
It felt good. When I was young, I made a big mistake trying to avoid fights. While there was some risk, I felt good. The point is as a boy or man you shouldn't back down, and show weakness.
Following up, I saw the guy and we shook hands. In the weeks that followed, there sseemed to be a special bond between us. He 'd go out of his way to put his arm around me and say hello and I'd do the same.
Sometimes that's how boys and men bond, and standing up for yourself is strangely enough a step to friendship in some cases.
I was mad and next time decided to guard the guy. He played well and on one play I fouled him. "Be careful, you can hurt someone that way," "How about I do whatever the f>>> I want" I replied. Next couple of plays, he pushed me (he's a little bigger ).. I pushed back for several plays. "How about I smack you in the face" he said. I stood, looked him in the eye and said, "go for it." We stared at each other and then a couple of guys broke up the possible fight.
It felt good. When I was young, I made a big mistake trying to avoid fights. While there was some risk, I felt good. The point is as a boy or man you shouldn't back down, and show weakness.
Following up, I saw the guy and we shook hands. In the weeks that followed, there sseemed to be a special bond between us. He 'd go out of his way to put his arm around me and say hello and I'd do the same.
Sometimes that's how boys and men bond, and standing up for yourself is strangely enough a step to friendship in some cases.
i think overall the best way to deflect bullying is to be good-natured and give no indication that the bully is upsetting you at all -- not showing weakness, which i think is the better part of the point you made.
also, the scenario described above does not at all address things that cannot be hidden which are perceived as weaknesses, for example being gay. it's all very well if you can control the way people perceive you, but many people don't have that luxury.
i have a friend who knew someone in middle school whose father was a doctor. a patient of his had a reaction to anesthesia and died. this poor kid, who didn't do anything, got mocked and picked on because of this!!
people want to underestimate how cruel people can be. but i think 'lord of the flies' is a classic for good reason.
There may be some schools that are so dangerous the student should leave. Otherwise, you have to address problems and deal with situations. I certainly agree that developing good social skills, learning to fit into a group, understanding people, are all good tools of increasing popularity and decreasing bullying. However, if it gets to the point where you are being bullied, it's too late to use those skills and you have to be prepared to fight.
I certainly don't want to attack you, we are all on the same side dealing with a difficult problem. I went to a tough, suburban school 98% white and saw a small Afro-American kid mercilessly taunted. He got in about 8 fights the first year, knew how to fight well, and pretty soon the taunting decreased (as usual the teachers did nothing). There were still a few big, tough kids who would say things, but he eliminated a lot. The middle of the road kid who would normally join in learned he would probably get into a fight that he'd lose and to shut his mouth. Had this Afro-American kid ignored the problem, it would have gotten worse, more and more and more kids would have joined the bullying and developing different ways of taunting him. If someone were gay or part of any minority, I'd likewise tell him to stick up for upself.
This was intended to address male bullying in schools. This are different dynamics for women and likewise in the workplace.
i think overall the best way to deflect bullying is to be good-natured and give no indication that the bully is upsetting you at all -- not showing weakness, which i think is the better part of the point you made.
also, the scenario described above does not at all address things that cannot be hidden which are perceived as weaknesses, for example being gay. it's all very well if you can control the way people perceive you, but many people don't have that luxury.
The ones that met me at my bus and followed me into the school where classmates and their "friends", so no, I don't like being followed or caught by surprise by anyone following me trying to get my attention. This guy probably really wanted me to buy him stuff because all his money goes toward eating at the local deli and cafe plus cigarettes. He's hanging out with some other girl but he keeps bothering another by staring at them like he's in a trance. Same thing he did to me that made me nervous.
i don't believe that your face-off-followed-by-bonding experience applies to most adolescent situations in these times. i don't even know if this ethos exists anymore, even at white suburban schools. i suspect the attitude that a person can only earn respect by fighting back might actually explain why so many authorities turn a blind eye to serious bullying.
people have been seriously injured by their tormentors for attempting to retaliate. as for the positive results of retaliation, let me share with you my own personal experience: i was bullied and tormented mercilessly by a small group of people. once, in the middle of class, one of the offending individuals started throwing things at a friend of mine. this triggered something in me and i calmly stood up and slammed a heavy dictionary in their face. hard. repeatedly. in front of everyone. yet the bullying did NOT stop.
i am not at all proud of what i did and i gained nothing from it. what i did learn is that it's as likely as not that the bullies will persist no matter what you do. the choice is to blow it off or risk suffering permanent physical damage. i don't think the latter is a wise choice for anyone, and is certainly not something i would ever advise.
i also don't buy that 'deflecting' means that a person is scared, or that they are trying to fool anybody, even if that's how some people choose to see it. indifference to bullying is an attitude you can adopt without having to fake it. when it comes down to it, any verbal bullying can be ignored. if it crosses the line into the physical, there are structures in place to deal with it, which should be taken advantage of whenever necessary. and as someone who has gotten into physical altercations, i can say i have never regretted walking away from a fight.