Bullying Support Group
Bullying is the act of intentionally causing harm to others, through verbal harassment, physical assault, or other more subtle methods of coercion such as manipulation. Bullying can be defined in many different ways, but one thing is clear: no one deserves to be bullied. If you or someone you know is coping with bullying, this is the place to share your feelings and get...
I was 11 years old the first time I was bullied. I was 37 years old the last time I was bullied. I suspect that won't be the last. I think that's my lot in life, but I don't look at it anymore like a curse...it's just my lot. I think that, subconsciously, people see me as THAT person that they can take advantage of. It's like I send out this beacon..."I'm an easy target".
The first time I went to a counselor, I was 22 years old. After years of trying to deal with the bullying, my parents stepping in to try to assist, the lack of support from teachers at school....the damage had been done. I've had 6 counselors over the past 16 years, all of whom helped to varying degrees. I've learned so much psychology behind bullying, self esteem and self knowledge, that I could be a psychologist myself (at least I think I could be lol).
The greatest growth I had, though, was traveling by myself through 5 different countries over 4 months last year. I found my light, I found my answers, I found my peace. This doesn't mean I solved every problem, nor does it mean I will never be bullied again. But it means that I learned one very pivotal thing.....they were wrong about me. Every single one of those bullies were wrong about me. Their opinions of me were wrong, and what they taught me about myself was wrong. I know who I am now, and no one can take that away from me.
More than anything, I want to be able to help those out there that feel misunderstood, that feel like they haven't got a voice, or feel alone in this world. I want to be able to show people that there is light at the end of the tunnel, that there is always a way out. My life is far from perfect, but I found what works for me. I want to be able to support others in their own journey, because I had few that supported me.
If you've been bullied, know that you're not alone. Know that there are people like me that have survived the worst of it, and are doing ok. If you ever need to talk, contact me...I would love to help!
The first time I went to a counselor, I was 22 years old. After years of trying to deal with the bullying, my parents stepping in to try to assist, the lack of support from teachers at school....the damage had been done. I've had 6 counselors over the past 16 years, all of whom helped to varying degrees. I've learned so much psychology behind bullying, self esteem and self knowledge, that I could be a psychologist myself (at least I think I could be lol).
The greatest growth I had, though, was traveling by myself through 5 different countries over 4 months last year. I found my light, I found my answers, I found my peace. This doesn't mean I solved every problem, nor does it mean I will never be bullied again. But it means that I learned one very pivotal thing.....they were wrong about me. Every single one of those bullies were wrong about me. Their opinions of me were wrong, and what they taught me about myself was wrong. I know who I am now, and no one can take that away from me.
More than anything, I want to be able to help those out there that feel misunderstood, that feel like they haven't got a voice, or feel alone in this world. I want to be able to show people that there is light at the end of the tunnel, that there is always a way out. My life is far from perfect, but I found what works for me. I want to be able to support others in their own journey, because I had few that supported me.
If you've been bullied, know that you're not alone. Know that there are people like me that have survived the worst of it, and are doing ok. If you ever need to talk, contact me...I would love to help!
I feel like I have been a 'good' target in the past as well. Sometimes I have felt that I was wearing a sign. Or felt that because I was 'nice' the bullies think that I was 'just asking for it.' Maybe bullies think that's some sort of invitation to be bullied?
It definitely helps to come here and share. My last bullying experience was the worst from any job I've held. The bully left no stone unturned in their campaign against me. Nasty emails about me to our supervisor (daily), slandering me to the point that noone wanted anything to do with me, withholding information from me, dumping work on me, questioning my ability to do my job, constant nitpicking and micro-management. I have never worked a job where I didn't make at least a friend or two. Someone to talk to or take a break with. I was completely isolated. This person recruited others to join in their bullying and at times a group of them would be making fun of me and laughing. It was horrible. I worked there as long as I could and then had to quit to keep my sanity.
I think that the behavior of the bullies says alot more about them than it does their targets. Although, I am certain they don't see it that way. They must be very insecure, miserable individuals to indulge in the kind of behaviors they do and think nothing of it.
I am so grateful that I don't have to go there anymore and put up with their constant abuse. I think I finally realized (believed?) that I don't deserve to be treated that way. That I'm a competent, hard worker with alot to offer.
It has helped alot to share with others about what I went through. I appreciate you sharing about what happened to you and that you have survived and are doing ok. Hang in there!
Don't get me wrong, the scars of bullying are still there. I still have moments of lacking self esteem, or feeling weak next to a very strong personality. But this time I know who I am, and everything those bullies tried to tell me that I was, was wrong. I am stronger in WHO I am now.
It makes a huge difference when you can turn away from all of those learned thoughts from the past and realize that it was all wrong. It doesn't protect you from bullies today or tomorrow, but it arms you with comfort, and gives a little extra strength to your voice when facing bullies again in the future.
I have been bullied a lot as well. I had an extremely abusive father, but once I left, I vowed that I would never let anyone control me, abuse me, or create that much fear in me again. I developed confidence in myself and gained strength. Six years ago, I was the strongest I had ever been in my life. Life was great.
Then I made the mistake of trusting 2 men. They had an investment opportunity. Long story short, I gave them all of my money, and moved half-way across the country to be near my investment. I started by working at one of their other businesses, and then they needed me to work at the business my money was in. So I did. Within a few days, they were verbally abusive, and very controlling...and threatened to fire me if I didn't do everything they said. (No physical or sexual abuse). I spent almost 3 years in a psychological prison. It went from bad to worse. They humiliated me, created intense fear of being fired, allowed and encouraged my own employees to verbally abuse me and be insubordinate because I was forbidden to fire anyone. I spiraled into a huge depression and became suicidal. The business closed. It took me 2 years to get a job, plus we were sued due to their incompetence. I have been in therapy for 18 months now....for PTSD (should actually be Complex PTSD).
I still deeply suffer from all that they have done. They took my life. Their abuse took me back to my childhood that I had worked so hard to heal from. Their control over my life for such a great length of time left me powerless and helpless. I lost all of my confidence. I'm rarely able to make decisions now (after being forbidden from doing so for 3 years). They turned me into a completely different person. I became the "shell" of a person that my mother became before she died because of so many years of my father's abuse.
Even with 18 months of therapy, I am still not myself. I have isolated myself to such great lengths, that I don't even know how to get back into the world. Other than work, and running a few errands, I am a total recluse.
In order to empower myself, I filed a lawsuit against these 2 men. It is complicated as to why, but the business deal was fraudulent also. Although a lot of my lawsuit is to recover financially, it is mostly about emotional recovery. I knew I could never live with myself if I didn't stand up to them. A lawsuit is the only way to do that. This has taken 16 months so far, and at least 3 more to go.... if they don't delay it again. It is tortuous to continually relive the details over and over and over again. I think that is why I've made so little progress emotionally...or at least why I have so many setbacks.
I started out telling this story because I was having an extremely sad day. They really messed my head up bad. However, after reading your story, I am hopeful that maybe I can recover. My therapist and I spoke yesterday about me needing to learn to break the cycle of being bullied / abused. We will be starting that next week.
I would like to end this with something helpful to others. If you are being bullied, or abused, you must find a healthy and safe way to end it. Find someone who can help you, and don't give up until you are rid of the bully. Bullies come in many forms: Parents, schoolmates, spouses, co-workers, bosses, etc. Once the bully is out of your life, seek professional help in order to deal with what has happened, so you don't let the cycle repeat...AND so you don't suffer long-term psychological damage. I hope my story can help someone to see how much worse it can get, and give them the courage to stand up for themselves....or leave.
My bullies took a very simple, but effective approach with me. They believed I was someone that I wasn't, they taught me that I was what they believed I was, and that I was so inadequate to everyone else. They cut me down, but in a very clean, simple way. I was always confident in what I could do, and who I had become on the outside (a professional, a good athlete, a good musician, etc). But I was never confident that who I was on the inside was good enough for anyone to ever love or want to be with.
It took a very pivotal moment on my trip to learn that "THEY" were wrong about me. I learned who I was, and learned that everything that people tried to tell me about me...well they were just wrong about me.
It's funny though, 16 years of therapy, endless talks with my parents, encouragement from those that loved me, never brought me closer to understanding who I was. I worked so damn hard to figure it out, people had said to me a hundred times "you know who you are", and I never got it. It took this one pivotal moment, a gut wrenching, hurtful situation, that changed everything. My worst day, became my best day. It was like God handed it to me, placed it in my palms and said to me....
"...You went on this journey to find yourself, and you have been searching for a long time. Here. Take this moment and learn from it. You trusted in Me to bring you here. Now you will understand."
It was that powerful of a moment. I had searched all my life, and I went on this trip with purpose to learn about myself, to heal from my divorce, and to maybe even find some healing after so many years of bullying. This trip had purpose, and God led me to it. I can't even begin to explain the power of that moment.
There are no easy ways to heal from bullying. And don't get me wrong...there are still moments when I hurt. But at least I know now who I am, and that helps a great deal. But I worked to find that. I worked very hard! I've dumped thousands of $ into therapy, which helped, but all that work just prepared me for that moment to learn it on my own.
The one thing I have to stress is, don't give up. It took me over two decades to get here. It was hard work, and painful at times. There were moments when I just wanted to give up trying. But there were always moments of enlightenment, and finally reaching a powerful moment was worth the journey. I will always fight the scars that bullying left behind. It doesn't go away. But you can learn to deal with yourself and see yourself in a different way.
Don't ever give up, and keep fighting for yourself. You are worth it!
I am a Mom. I live on a cul de sac. We live somewhere in the middle. To our left we have older kids than ours. To our right we have younger kids. My kids have made some connections with the younger kids because it was easier for them. The families with the older kids keep to themselves because they are busy. I understand. The parents of the younger kids have all formed bonds with each other because of the ages of their kids.
When the families of the younger kids were playing outside I used to go out and socialize with them. I was just being neighborly. But, it is like they all took it to another level amongst themselves. One of the Mom's who I thought was nice has turned out to be a borderline sociopath. I grew up with a narcissist (my Dad) so I know all about personality disorders thanks to years of therapy. I really started to shut down around the sociopath Mom. She exhibited some really nasty behavior in a terribly sly way. Then it started to affect my kids and they picked up on it right away. I brushed off her nastiness a few times and then my older daughter broke down in tears when this Mom yelled at one of her daughter's that she wasn't allowed to play outside with my kids during a party they were having....even though her kids ended up outside anyway playing with the other neighbor kids that had been invited. To make matters worse (before I confronted this woman) she offered my kids leftover cake from the party the next day that we hadn't been invited to. I was shattered inside.
I confronted this Mom with a list of the things she was doing (that she thought I didn't notice) that was not nice to our family. Wow, was she shocked.....and managed to shed a few crocodile tears, of course.
Ever since then I have kept my distance because I don't trust this woman. I can't even stand waving to her when we pass each other in the car. I've been thinking of tinting my front side windows. Sadly, what I think has been happening now is that she is dragging me down through the other neighbors. Even though I was friendly with some of the other neighbors, they now ignore me. They don't even wave. So, I stay inside. As soon as we get home from school the garage door is closed. If my kids want to go out and play, they can. But, I don't like it that they do.
I have lots of friends outside of my cul de sac and they are what keep me going. It saddens me that I have become the victim of someone who just isn't nice. I could provide more stories about her but I think you get the drift with the above story.
Please help me in deciding what to do as I go forward. I want to be happy on my cul de sac....but every time I see this woman, it catapults me into a semi-depression. I wish she would leave me alone.
When I've cut people out before, I just draw a mental line for myself. I don't talk about certain things with them if I see them, I don't socialize with them, I just flat out don't let them inside my boundaries. Over time, these people have begun to leave me alone because they sense that I've drawn that line with them.
There is nothing you can do about her. Simply nothing. And there is little you can do about what she says to your other neighbours. I've had friends talk bad about me to others, too (in the work place, so I see these people as often as you would see your neighbours when you come home at the end of the day). It's not easy at all. But you have to draw that fence around your space, and not let those people into it where they can affect you.
Another aspect of it though....you are letting her have too much power over you if seeing her sends you into a depression. I'm not being judgemental, I'm very understanding of that fact because I've done it too. But you can't let her have that kind of power over you.
My biggest lesson I've ever learned, though, is that whether any of us realize it or not, we know who we are, and other people who bully us are wrong about us. Let me say it again - WE KNOW WHO WE ARE, AND THEY WERE WRONG ABOUT US. Don't let her judgements of you infiltrate your mind to the point where you begin to believe her, and feel depressed on account of it. You deserve so much better than that.
Don't let these people get to you. I know you can't completely avoid them, but draw the boundaries around yourself and don't let them cross it. Aside from moving to a new house, you have to be able to find your balance in your current space.
If you need or want to write further, I am always here to listen! I'm no expert, but I've gone through enough that I love to share the things I've learned. PM me, or write me here if you wish!
My place of work is a bit different, though. I work in an inner-city school where we have a very strong anti-bullying policy. Ironically, bullying still takes place daily. One strangely angry man in particular heard about my family issues and has been very unprofessional about slandering me openly in front of the staff. My principal is not really there for me. In fact, I consider her a bully as well. The last year has been hell for me.
I am grateful for the support of my husband of 23 years, although he bullied me throughout the first 2 decades of our marriage. My kids are pretty much grown now and very successful, but they told me the other day that they never wanted to marry because of their experience with a dysfunctional household. It breaks my heart. I hope that the cycle of abuse stops here and I told them to try to heal, either through counseling or a support group. It has to be put on the table and addressed. So often the "victim" remains silent. I finally took a stand and I am paying the price, but in the long run, I am proud to have done it. It may take a while to lick my wounds. I feel that they will be with me forever, but I do not want to pass this on to another generation. It must stop now.
I was bullied so bad when I was in early school years I never finished high school. Was pretty much tormented by one individual who just never physically did anything to me but mentally crippled me. He'd get behind me on the bus and put a switchblade to my throat but it was really a switchblade comb but I didn't know it. He'd sit in the back of the bus and yell out stupid names at me in from of everyone and even my "so called" best friend would join in just to be cool I guess. I was weak and skinny back then witch encouraged me to work out in my later years now I'm 217 pounds and not fat. I'd kick his ass now if I ever seen him. The best time was back in high school when he picked a fight with another kid and I stood there and watched his ass get beat. Best time of my life. To this day I am still angry at him but thanks to him I no longer take crap from anybody and without knowing it he made me a much stronger person. I don't go around picking fights or beating people up but I'm not running away from people anymore. It was so bad when I was young I remember my parents finding a so called "hit list" in my room one day of all those I hated. Nothing ever became of anything it just a way to vent back then but they were worried to say the least. Things have not changed to this day. Kids are still going through what I went through back then and the public wonders why these kids lose it and do what they do. I don't hate kids like the columbine killers but I do feel sorry that they ended up as a product of their environment because of things that were done to them and how they were treated by others. So many kids are being tormented these days and more so with crap like facebook ect. I'm afraid things will continue to get much more worse than better IMO.
Hugs GB
John