Hi Di,

We have some things in common. I was diagnosed the beginning of February and had my surgery on President's Day. I am waiting of the results of my oncotype test to see if I need chemo. I won't know until the 21st of this month.

I am separated from my husband for almost a year now and am I member of the wives of alcoholics group on this website. I also have two children but they are much older than yours. My son just turned 22 on Thursday and my daughter is 18.

I did not tell them until I had the diagnosis. I didn't see the point in making them worry until I knew for sure.

I'm not sure about your kids because they are so young. My doctor gave me a nice little book that gives advice on all different situations. If you're interested, comment back and I will get you the name of the book and maybe there is info that you could order one.

I have my kids and a very good friend who are helping me through this. I've also enlisted the help of breast cancer survivors. It's nice to be around people who were diagnosed 5 or 10 years ago. It really gives you hope.

I would love to keep in touch with you. Comment back when you get a chance.

Tess

My wife was diagnosed over three years ago with stage iv. Still fighting. We have a three year old and five year old. They, unfortunately, live it every day as they see their mother struggling. We are parents that don't try to sugar-coat things too much. We told our children that their mother was "sick." We talk tell them that she has breast cancer, we tell them that mommy is going to the hospital weekly to get better, we try to make life as normal as possible by constant assurance, hugs, kisses, etc. We allow our young children to become advocates (as much as they can) by wearing ribbons and explaining what they mean, but we certainly do not dwell on it though it is clear to them that she is sick.

Don't know really. Perhaps not all children would respond so well, but our situation cannot be hidden. Our kids live it and see that my wife is sick, in a wheel chair, etc. So, we make them a part of the therapy/recovery process as much as they can and will participate.

One of the hings that my wife and I agreed upon in regards to chemo and hair loss is to explain that the medicines make her hair fall out and that they are helping her get better. The TRUTH. He was a little over two at the time. When our children ask, we answer, not by lying, rather telling them that these are things that need to happen for mommy to get better.

We also try to provide our kids opps fo remove themselves from the situation as much as possible. Play dates with other families, etc.

Don't know if i've helped at all. But this is what we are going through with our young children. Not easy, but our children seem to be taking things well.

I pray for you and your young children.

My family and I told my granddaughter that I was really sick. My daughter brought her over on the 3rd day after surgery. My pain pump was removed and so was the Transderm (anti nausea patch) and she watched me puke my guts out. Also saw how I was propped up on the couch with all of the pillows and also watched me sleep a lot. She became compassionate and tried to help me with fluids and was very quiet. We didn't go into a lot of details until later when I could explain it myself. If you do tell them, tell them that things will get back to normal after you feel better.

Di - I am in about the same place as you, I was just diagnosed on Valentine's Day - I have been struggling with how to explain what is going to happen to me to my 6 1/2 yr old daughter. I researched online what books I could find there from my local library - very disappointed in the selection, only one book. I did get it anyway because I am trying to collect as much as possible. I bought one on amazon that I am hoping it comes in the mail today - That one is titled Our Mom Has Cancer and was written by 2 young girls. I also got a comic strip type thing offline - http://www.kidscope.org/kemo.html. What I have found to be the most helpful so far is a book called - When a Parent has Cancer. It is a good how to guide and explains many things I didn't even thing about when trying to explain this to her. There is a childrens book inside called The Worry Cup. I don't have it with me so I couldn't tell you who wrote it. I am reviewing with my husband over the next few days and plan on trying to talk with my daughter on Saturday, when there is plenty of time to distract her with fun stuff over the weekend before going back to school on Monday. I am scheduled for my preop 1 wk from today and expect to have surgery scheduled the week after. I will be having a double mastectomy and was already told I will have to go through chemo and possibly radiation. Just know that you are not alone and we will get through this together!

Hi ~ I'm a grandmother and I had cancer surgery 3 years ago. Personally, I don't think small children need to be told as they should NOT have to worry about their mother any sooner than necessary. In fact, they shouldn't have to worry AT ALL.

If it becomes obvious that Mom is sick, then tell them that ~ Mom is sick, period. The word "cancer" is scary for kids. Even in this day and age, many people think cancer is a death sentence ESPECIALLY among children.

So my opinion -- don't tell them. Keep them kids as long as possible --- with NO worries! Hugs, Lee PS -- GOOD LUCK

Leeall - I don't want to offend you, but I completely disagree.
My daughter and I are very very close, we do everything together and she is my only child. I am looking at a double mast with 6 months of chemo - I can't pass that off as mommy is sick. Yes she is going to worry, yes it will be hard to swallow but she will learn that life is not to be taken for granted. She will learn that no matter what happens in our family we will work through it together, and be honest with each other as a family. I do thank you for your opinion but I do not believe that ignorance is bliss.

Thank you all for your comments. They really do help. I have decided to take things one day at a time. I will tell my children that I have to have surgury because something inside of me isnt normal. After that, I will have to see what my next step is before I tell them anything else. It all depends on what will happen to me next. One step at a time. Thank you all again.
God bless all of you

I was just diagnosed last week and have appt with surgeon next Monday. My kids are grown, 28, 24 and 22 and they know what's going on. It will be hard for them because I have always been extremely healthy and this is a shock to me and them. They are being so supportive and I love them for that. My problem is how to tell my 83 year old mother. I have told her nothing yet, but know once I have a surgery date I will have to tell her. She lives alone and about an hour away from me. As of now, I think my prognosis is positive and I will tell her that. I just hate to have to cause her pain and worry at 83.

I like your decision to do it one day at a time. My diagnosis went from early stage II to stage IV, so it showed my kids (14, 11, and 4) that doctors often don't know what they are talking about. Maybe a good lesson for them. Of course the 4 year old knows nothing. The older ones I did wait until I had the biopsy results before telling them the stage 4 news. I have an ex who is supporting me so that really helps too. I think it is important to communicate with kids because often what they imagine can be worse than reality.
Good luck to you...