Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I've been in a 20+ year marriage and have separated from my husband for the past year. I won't go into detail but there's a lot of resentment and I'm no longer physically attracted to him. For the past year we've been fixing the house in order to sell it while still living there. No closeness or intimacy. I have a notion that he's been trying to "fix" things between us all this time and that I'll have a change of heart but, I've made up my mind from the beginning. He's become desperate but we've finally listed our house so we can finally move on with our lives.
We have two girls, 21 and 15. They've never been close to their father. He's a workaholic and has neglected them and myself for years and since telling them of my break up with their father they've been angry with me. Understandable. I get it. Nobody wants to see thier mother and father split up. But...at the same time I've had to remind them of who was always there for them. ME.
Meanwhile, while I realize I'm not in the ideal situation, I've met a male who I've grown close to and was at one point was calling me on a regular basis. No dates or anything but he's been very supportive. I didn't plan to become close to anyone but...it happened.
My kids have decided to live with their father after our move and have been basically ignoring me before and after finding about this new friendship.
I've explained that my splitting with their father has nothing to do with my talking to anyone else. My door is always open for them. They can talk to me about anything but they've distanced themselves from me.
Anyone in or was in a similar situation? How did you deal with this emotionally? Will this relationship with my kids ever become as close as it once was?
I would always encourage my kids to do things with their father.
I think a major part of the story is yet to be told.
father a lot of times do not show a daring display of emotion- through out the
stages of raising kids.It is how they are wired. Women are more emotional.The
higher the level the male is to an Alpha Male- the less emotion you will see.I know because I have been around them/married to etc.Now to your girls, they
see this as daddy seems like the victim- mom is the driving force-she is
the one articulating and like carrying it on while the dad seems like the quiet
one so they will feel sorry for him.Honestly Im always on the kids side because they dont deserve to get dragged through the shit.
Now long story short- in kids minds- the parents are like super heroes- splitting up does not happen, there is always a happy ending-parents are the good guys especially to each other- why cant you just fix this-It is not
complicated this is what they want. It will play out how it plays out and they
will either come around or just care less and remain distant. You on the other hand are the Adult-so you should be able to suck it up and realize that your kids will always be your kids forever and how ever long it takes is how long it is going to take and uh this is just another season in your life that you will
have to weather .Just ask the Universe for its divine guidance-know your kids
wont stop loving you- the best thing is to be open and honest and transparent because kids can see through bs. Hugs be strong, be patient,
remain loving, with a Resilient heart.
I don’t know what all your children have seen or know, but just the bit that you’ve mentioned about this “supportive” person leads me to believe that, at the least, they see it as an emotional affair, and regardless of the rest of the facts, they will see this as the breakdown of the marriage.
If your husband was trying to fix things, as you almost acknowledged, but then you found another person to support you while you leave the marriage...that’s what your kids are going to see, and living with their father, they’re going to tend to see more of his side than yours.
Have you and your husband been to counseling? You mention that your kids have refused counseling...I’m guessing if they saw it didn’t work for their parents, then why would it be any better for them - but if you not only haven’t been to counseling with their father, but then turn around and recommend it for them to accept the divorce, it begins to look like an agenda.
Just some food for thought, but as to your question, I feel that you most likely will heal your relationship with your kids in time, but whether it will be close as it once was, I recommend asking that directly to your kids, and maybe then you’ll get better insight as to what issues they’re dealing with.