Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I am not sure where to start so I will just put down what comes to my mind, I hope that is ok.
I am now 62 years old, with some progressive health problems and my wife has recently decided she is better off without me. I was reading a post of Just2cats and like him it really blindsided me as well. I, too, thought I was being supportive of everything she wanted to do and tried to be as little of a burden to her as I could. And then 2 days after my last birthday, I get a "dear John" text saying she is leaving and going to live with her daughter in another city. She would only communicate through emails and text, and was not interested in working things out. When I asked to try and find out what happened, she only would say she has been thinking about for several months. That really hurt as I had asked her if something was wrong a couple of months before she left and specifically asked if she was still ok with my health issue as I knew I was slowly getting worse. She looked right at me and said she would never leave me like that, she was not that type of person. There were, of course, other flags when I started to look back, but for the most part she told me and our friends that everything was great and she was happy. I went into this marriage knowing that communication was very important and for my part I was always up front with everything and was always ready to talk things out, which I told her many times. Again, like Just2cats, many of our friends reached out to me in support and surprisingly both her mom and oldest son (this was a 2nd marriage for both of us) did the same which was very nice on their part and I appreciated.
I guess what I am trying to put down is even with all the support of friends and family, I still am having a very hard time dealing with what has happened. Even with all the support, there is still the overwhelming feelings of loneliness, loss, and for me who would want a sixty + year old with my health issues, which makes my future look very bleak, “will I be alone for the rest of my life”? Also, the feeling of being a failure! Everyone tells me I am a great guy, easy to get along with, its not your fault. But this is the 2nd time, is it something I am doing, or am I just to stupid to see the problems??
Well thanks for reading this, I am sorry if I sounds like I am whining, just needed to put some of my feelings down. It does help a little, but I am still very scared of what the future holds
Yes I think that is the worse part, that she was even interested in trying. I do know things will improve in time and I will rediscovered happiness again, I just need to concentrate on that and the kind words from people such as yourself help a lot
Thanks again
I'm glad your mutual friends and her family reached out to you. It feels like a small comfort, but I'm definitely grateful every day for the friends I have that are willing to listen to me and talk with me about how I'm feeling. I hope you're able to get that continud support from yours, too.
I'm still struggling every day, but the reminder that you can't work on what you don't know (and that it's on her to say as much if something is wrong) has been another small comfort from time to time.
That I know I was doing what I thought she needed based on what she said and I knew. That the things she did tell me about, I addressed and/or corrected.
It's seems cliche and overly simple, but we can't read minds. It's up to her (and us) to communicate and be clear when something is bothering us. That's not always easy, but saying and doing nothing only lets that resentment build up.
My therapist recently described it to me like this: Each of our conflicts or problems was like a playing card. Ideally, you get the card, play it, and the other person responds and/or plays a card of their own and you both work with what's on the table.
Instead, my ex would get a card, keep it to herself, get another, keep it to herself, until she either played multiple cards at once or she had a full hand and couldn't hold anymore. That left me trying to make sense of all the cards while she was long done with holding them.
Her resentment and anger built up while I didn't even know she had a full hand.
Maybe that's oversimplified, but it did make me feel a little better and less like I was just an awful clueless partner.
Your points are ringing so true with me. I thought I was and would have bent over backwards over for her and the marriage. I am still getting little messages from her about things she forgot or things she wants from the house and its killing me. It sounds like she has no remorse or any feelings of our years together, like shes just read a book and its finished so that is that. And like you I am struggling with "what did I did or didn't do?" You are right that I probably will never know, she wasn't truthful and upfront when we were together, so I don't suspect that will change now.
In my head I know that it will get better, but emotionally right now all I feel is empty, alone and really scared of the future. I have a disability that I know will get worse over time, so all I can think about is what now! Who the heck would want a disabled old guy, will I be alone for the rest of my life?
I am very glad you mentioned about your therapist, it made me realize that I am heading in the wrong direction and I better do something.
I talk with friends and family, but I realize I have just been putting on a show that I am getting better. I need to learn to get my feelings out and I wish I could just go see them, but with covid it makes it all so difficult.
Well thank you for writing back and giving me something to work on. I very much appreciate it
Boy alot of your story seems too familiar. The only thing different for me was that she continued to tell me and our friends and her family that everything was great right to the end. Then bang, out came the text! Again like you I would have and, I think I did, everything to make her happy and try to save the marriage. I did ask her why and she came up with a pretty thin reason. At first I was surprised to find out that after 2 weeks, I sent a message to her mom and son (2nd marriage for both of us) wishing them the best as I always got along great with them. I got 2 messages back asking what the heck was I talking about. Seems the ex had not even let them know and they were non to pleased. So what the real reason she is leaving is a mystery to everybody. It has caused me to take a little longer than you for me to realize that despite the incredible hurt she caused me, I have to start moving on and as you said rediscover who I am. I hope you are able to reconnect with who you are, it is probably going to take us some time, but I know we will make it.
So, keep your head up and believe in yourself, and I will do the same
Thanks for writing and sharing.