Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Winter blues

Fromthesouth
Fromthesouth

I’ve been doing a lot of searching lately. Searching for clarification on what it is I want in a partner. I’ve looked back on several past relationships and of course my marriage. All of which give me a clear distinctions of what I want in a partner and equally help me define the boundaries of what I’m not willing to compromise on. Through that process I am able to recognize the healing my heart and mind have made. In that, I am grateful. I often take time to read many of the posting on this site, not just here in this category but many others and it’s very securing to read that many people feel the same as I do. It’s relieving to read the words of pain and follow their journey of healing as well. It’s a good feeling to be reminded that through all of the hurt and suffering that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Having a head and heart with two different perspectives can be difficult. A heart pushing you in one direction and your mind steering you into another can be dangerous. Especially, when your often tempted to just let go of the wheel. How do you navigate these moments? What methods keep you on your path? On my journey of discovering self care and love, I’ve repeatedly come to the intersection of betraying my own heart for what seems to be a sound choice for my mind. I’ve found myself letting go of things that I would readily advise someone else to hold onto dearly. The advice we give, isn’t always so easy to follow. Either arrogance or ignorance, it can seem hypocritical. I’m struggling now with just that. Is it ok to let the mind take the wheel and just let the heart wait?  

Wilo
Wilo
So well said. It is like being in the middle of a tornado sometimes. It’s very hard to control our emotions and keep a balance with practicality. None of us want the hurt. None of us want to be without the one we love or did love. But how to move forward is hard to face.
Fadedgypsy
Fadedgypsy
you speak of head and heart the heart is dumb and can easily persuade the head, go with your gut its never wrong.
On giving advice my disclaimer is "its a do as I say not as I do kinda world" because I can get myself into some pretty stupid and/or dangerous places. No one should follow my lead but I can at least tell them where the land mines are buried so their life doesnt go the way mine has
Fromthesouth
Fromthesouth
Fadedgypsy- We can definitely agree that the advice is much easier given than to follow. The matters of the heart are a bit more difficult for me. I’ve not experienced love before my ex wife. I also had. It known heartbreak before her either. I managed to make it out of some bad relationships before her ,unscathed but they weren’t anything to miss. With her, it was so different. The world changed with her. The fast lane shut down, the earth seemed to spin slower with her in my life. My heart had never felt fuller. Its difficult to recognize and admit in the moments but the good moments aren’t permanent just as the bad aren’t. I’m a hopeful man. I’d like to think I can fill full again. It wasn’t until her affair and subsequently the divorce that I felt the emptiness that I become so accustomed to. The heart wants what the heart wants. No matter the pain and hurt she caused me, there’s a terrifyingly confident part of me that isn’t so sure that I could say no to her if she wanted to have a relationship with me. If I’m being honest with myself, I’m not sure when or if that will ever go away. Forever is a hard future to let go of. The replace any part of it wouldn’t mean changing everything. Becoming a new me, an alone me is a scary future that I’m not prepared for. I’ve tried to date, to socialize and make steps forward but they all fall short of life with her. Learning to love myself enough, learning to be happy with who I am without her is my journey now. Unfortunately, what we want and deserve aren’t always the same thing.
Coffemaker
Coffemaker
It really is hard when the head and the heart want different things. If you learn to let pass everything through the head first before letting it go to your heart, that is one big step. It takes a lot of practice and it doesn’t work all the time, of course, because the heart is oftentimes stronger and will find a way around. For example, knowing you should avoid that last round of drink can save you a lot of trouble rather than giving in and be sorry next day.

Now, about being alone, the only one you will always be with constantly is yourself. Consider learning to do certain things by yourself and spending time alone. I give this advice to many people including my kids. I am not talking about things you really have to do by yourself such as personal stuff, reading or surfing the net, but things normally done with others. Such as going to the movies, the park, a ballgame. Taking it all in all by yourself. It can be a good foundation if you are happy with yourself and by yourself whether you are alone or surrounded by others. People with such grounding sometimes have a higher chance of moving on when a partner dies or leaves them.
Yard_Eggs
Yard_Eggs
What decisions do you regret the most? The ones made as the result of "a sound choice for my mind" or the ones made as the result listening to the heart?
Fromthesouth
Fromthesouth
I don’t regret either. Those “decisions” never shared the same space or time. The love I feel for her was never a decision. To love however is a decision. Love is sacrificial. If I regret anything it’s not choosing to love myself more. All the decisions I made with mind came after the affair, after the betrayal and lies. It was only when I was faced with the reality of losing her did I start to recognize my lack of self care. I don’t regret those decisions. It took a lot of strength to put myself first for a change. Strength that I forgotten I had. The decisions I made with the heart aren’t regrettable either. It brought me the greatest joy giving myself that much to someone. It showed me the benefits of being that raw with emotions and feelings. It showed me things about myself that I could be proud of. I rarely regret my decisions. I’ve learned a lot from them. Most notably the less responsible ones. Loving her was the best thing that ever happened to me. Making the decision to stop loving her has been the worst.