Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I'm on month 2 of NC since he broke up with me, with the exception of the one time that I had stopped by to drop off his keys. That moment was very brief with the exchange of only 2 sentences about getting my stuff.
I feel like time has stood still since he broke up with me. I keep busy because I work a lot but on my hour commute home at night, the loneliness and memories set in. I feel like I should be further along in my healing process.
Last night and today was especially hard. I found out he's started a relationship with the 23 year old that he cheated on me with. Of course I stared at her facebook photos and statuses they shared about how they feel complete with each other. I look at her and think how she doesn't have to wear makeup to look pretty, like the many times he suggested that I wear makeup more often and do my hair so it wouldn't look so frizzy.
We had a 5 year relationship with 4 years full of emotional, verbal and sometimes physical abuse. Throughout the relationship, he constantly wanted me to change. He wanted me to keep up with the house more, dust everything, become stepmom to his son, do my hair, wear makeup more often, wear sexy outfits so I would look more appealing to him,"accept my responsibilities as a woman," financially help him ... I could go on. Meanwhile, I work 4 ten hour shifts and spend the weekends trying to manage my own little business that I started 2 years ago.
My question is, he spent 5 years trying to change me and now he's decided to start a relationship with a girl that's none of those things. A girl a lot younger, who complains about giving the little bit of money to her mom where she was living, smokes pot, doesn't know a thing about cooking and has a 3 year old from a previous guy. I feel so broken and baffled at the same time. Why the contradiction? I spent 5 years trying to meet his standards and this is what he chose? I can't begin to wrap my mind around this.
I feel like time has stood still since he broke up with me. I keep busy because I work a lot but on my hour commute home at night, the loneliness and memories set in. I feel like I should be further along in my healing process.
Last night and today was especially hard. I found out he's started a relationship with the 23 year old that he cheated on me with. Of course I stared at her facebook photos and statuses they shared about how they feel complete with each other. I look at her and think how she doesn't have to wear makeup to look pretty, like the many times he suggested that I wear makeup more often and do my hair so it wouldn't look so frizzy.
We had a 5 year relationship with 4 years full of emotional, verbal and sometimes physical abuse. Throughout the relationship, he constantly wanted me to change. He wanted me to keep up with the house more, dust everything, become stepmom to his son, do my hair, wear makeup more often, wear sexy outfits so I would look more appealing to him,"accept my responsibilities as a woman," financially help him ... I could go on. Meanwhile, I work 4 ten hour shifts and spend the weekends trying to manage my own little business that I started 2 years ago.
My question is, he spent 5 years trying to change me and now he's decided to start a relationship with a girl that's none of those things. A girl a lot younger, who complains about giving the little bit of money to her mom where she was living, smokes pot, doesn't know a thing about cooking and has a 3 year old from a previous guy. I feel so broken and baffled at the same time. Why the contradiction? I spent 5 years trying to meet his standards and this is what he chose? I can't begin to wrap my mind around this.
I think in the future you will look back on this and consider yourself VERY lucky!!!
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind before too long a little bit at a time he will be treating his new girlfriend to all the abuse and advice he gave to you. They do not change---except for the worse.
Did you stick to your boundaries while you were with him? Did you refuse to give him financial assistance? At the risk of sounding repetitive and preachy, I'm going to say, it's time to focus on yourself, and instead of worrying about why he's doing what he's doing, figure out how you're going to recognize the red flags next time, and what boundaries you are going to enforce, so you don't waste 5 years on another loser like him.
With regards to the way he treated you VS how he treats her - who cares? Sweetie - how was it ever okay for a man to physically abuse you? Do you realize that a man that does that is no good? - Who cares that now a younger girl has him? - YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!
A man who's good for you is not trying to change you, is not abusing you on any level - so it doesn't matter who he wants now, it doesn't matter who has him now - what matter is that you no longer have to deal w/that situation.
Is very natural for you to miss the relationship you wanted to have - for you to feel lonely - I can so much relate but sit tight and allow yourself to feel those moments - they will fade. Don't be so hard on yourself. It takes a long time to get over a break up and you might even make a huge progress, a year go by and out of no where you may have a weak moment again, that's how grief works. Nothing we can do but wheather the storm.
Good luck.
some days are minute to minute but from experience it really does get better , the sadness and loneliness does soften. I still don't know where I'm headed but we are all on this same journey for whatever reason so know you have all of our support!!! Hugs
Also, I made this mistake during my marriage and at the beginning of our separation. Do not compare yourself to the other women he is with. You are your own beautiful person and you need to be confident in this attribute.
While it hurts that he left you, it is a blessing in disguise. You are going to grow and thrive from this situation. You first have to understand that he is gone and you have to move on. You secondly have to focus on what makes you happy and make that a priority in your life. It is a long road ahead, but you will get there.
And like the others said...block him, her and everyone associated with him on Facebook. Your lives are no longer connected together.
How exciting that you now have an opportunity in life to meet someone that will love you for you. What a wonderful future you must be looking forward to now!
similarly, he's using this new girl to make himself feel better. on the one hand, simply because he feels superior to her, so that puts him at ease. secondly, he is using the fact that she exists and puts up w his shit, as a way to try to get at you. he has to put all this crap out for the world to see, in the attempt that it will get back to you and make you feel bad. it's a facade. he sounds like he has a lot of real problems. and he sounds SO much like my H that it's scary. there really are a lot of folks out there, more than i realized before joining here, who will stop at nothing to try to make themselves feel better, but it won't work because they don't love themselves. i know it is hard, because i struggle knowing my stbhx is running around talking shit on me. but at the end of the day, you and i have to remember and KNOW, we are women of quality. they did not deserve us, we were just to kind and caring to see them for the snakes they really are. big hugs to you!!!!!