Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I am in quite a difficult situation now, with so many negative emotions in play.
Here is my story:
My boyfriend and I had been together for 2.5 years. He's a diplomat so he is abroad now. He has been serving in Africa for a year now and has another year to go. We've been making it work because we call each other and text daily. Plus, he visits five times a year.
This past August, he came, but we fought. He was stretched thin having to deal with a lot of work and family issues. He didn't have a whole lot of time to spend with me. I tried to be understanding, but he tends to close himself off when things get hard.
We broke up.
A month and a half later in October, he reaches out and we start talking everyday. To me, we both seemed hesitant to get back immediately because of the fight and our issues. But there we were talking as if we had overcome everything.
Then he comes to town for two weeks. He's here now. He announced it and asked to see me. While at my house, we were on the verge of getting intimate, then he pulled away saying he is seeing someone else.
I was devastated. It seemed surreal. I kinda feel betrayed... but we were broken up so maybe I can't really hold it against him.
He said they started their relationship a few days after our break up. She is local, someone there. He told me everything--how they met; how long they've been together, etc.
He apologized to me saying he was "weak." Life was being unkind to him--work was tough, he had a health scare, and he had no friends around, plus we had broken up. She filled the void.
That night, as he confessed to me, he said he didn't love her and that he wanted to break things off with her before we could restart again. He just didn't feel right going so far with her still attached.
I had mixed feelings.
Although he said that, he seemed hesitant. He loved me and wanted to be with me, but at the same time didn't want to hurt me. He thought maybe he should let me go because of the hurt he caused in the past.
Although he said he would break up with her, I feel weird. First of all, has it come to this? Our relationship had been solid and we had this amazing chemistry. Now, it comes down to him deciding to stay with someone he's only known for a few weeks or working on what we had.
It's easy to go with a new and convenient relationship. It's much easier than working on an old one with issues and long distance too.
I feel shitty. I still love him and wanted another chance. A part of me wants to rebuild a life with him. Another part is now leery of where his heart has been and wondering how much he really cares for us.
But the fact that he had this special relationship with someone else and that they slept together a few times will drive daggers in my heart. I've known folks who have been in similar situations, and they went the road of forgiveness.
I'm waiting now for his response. It's kinda torturous, but needed so he has his space. Will he actually leave her? How much did she mean to him in their weeks-long relationship? Why even try to reconnect with me all this time if you weren't going to work on our relationship? It could potentially end with me knowing he took the easy way out and chose another woman over me. Is he aware of the trauma that would cause?
If we do get back, could I trust him? How would I know he's totally done with her? We would really have to work at our relationship and improving it.
This is really really difficult! I wish we weren't in this mess!
I thought about that indeed. Could I possibly love him enough to let go? Could I love him enough to make sure he gets comfort and support that I know he needs now? I can be there emotionally, but not physically. Depending on him and his needs, I don't want to deny him anything.
It's a terribly hard decision to make. Normally, I would say it's all or nothing--either we're in a relationship or not, no gray, no friendship. I can't imagine giving up and then thinking about the love that's blossoming between them.
In the end, it is his choice. And I have to respect whatever he decides. If he lets go, I have to let him. Perhaps it would be selfish of me to deny him the love he needs now.
I know he has strong feelings for me, but maybe it's the right thing to do.
Gosh, but deep deep inside I want him to myself! I want another chance to restore our relationship.
:(
You clearly love the guy. Sounds like it was a great relationship for awhile. It would be so much easier if he lived locally. You said he has another year to go. Then what? If he is a diplomat, does he stay awhile and then go on another assignment??
Long distance relationships are tough and you are seeing why. Regarding your comment that when he is upset, he closes himself off.....I believe it is John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus who said that men when upset tend to retreat to their "man cave". It is something innate in how a man was created and that is how they work things out for themselves. I wouldn't take it personally. However, this author also says, "A man who truly loves you will never let you go no matter how hard the situation is." I suspect that is what you are feeling in the deepest part of your heart?? What has been lost here is the trust. I wonder if you can trust what you cannot verify for the next year? And it sounds to me like perhaps you are going to have a lot of trouble letting this go if you do try to stay together?? I wonder if you can really have a real relationship without trust. You are right. If you try to keep this together, you two need lots of time to heal and time to be together in the same town and he would need to earn your trust again. You kinda put the ball in his court by saying who will he choose?? But a big part of this is going to be your decision too, don't you think?? It is your heart that is being broken. I think you need to decide if this relationship is worth your time, probably at LEAST two more years, and the effort and the work to try and mend it. And YOU have to decide if you can trust him ever again because if you don't think you can, perhaps you are feeling that it may be best to walk away now?? Good luck.