Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Why Won't It Heal?

pinkgnomie13
pinkgnomie13

It's been over a year since my ex left me.  It was a stupid thing for him to do, but I've moved on...  Or so I think.


Why won't these wounds close up?  Why am I constantly depressed?  Things like five seconds of a song, a smell, the sun hitting just right make me think of all the happy times we shared and how the life we planned together will never be.  I loved the life we wanted for ourselves.  I was working towards it.  I don't know why he stopped doing the same.


I mean...  I do.  He got depressed with the lockdowns, and life just bogged him down until he couldn't see the good in life anymore.  He had his own problems, sure, but so did I.  I just thought we would be able to cling to each other no matter what.  I guess I was wrong.


I just...  I mourn the life that will never be.  Our adorable baby girls we wanted to raise together.  The corgi farm.  The lovely house that felt like home.  Walks in the park with the dogs.  I miss him, too.  I can't talk to anyone like I could talk to him.  He just got me.  We got each other.  We knew each other better than anyone else on earth.  It was like we were made for each other.  And now...  Part of me is gone, and I feel like I can't get that back.


I've started dating again.  I have my own dog now.  I have a full-time job and a career going.  Things are good, overall.  I just...  I miss him.  I miss the way things were.  I miss what could have been - should have been - and isn't.  I miss having that sure direction in life.  I miss having a best friend I can talk to about anything.  I miss that part of me that I lost to him.


Lisalive
Lisalive
It’s been more than a year for me too. My life is good, and I’m grateful for what I have. I’ve moved on.

But there are still triggers that make me realize how big and uncomfortable this change still is for me. I too miss my “remembered future.”

I think I just want someone to share my life with though because when I contemplate getting back together with my ex, even in dreams, I can’t do it. The trust is gone.

Is that true for you too?
pinkgnomie13
pinkgnomie13
In general, I think so. My current boyfriend is head-over-heals in love with me. We've almost known each other a year now, and we've been officially dating for a few months. I've met his family; he's met mine. He's talked about kids and raising a family together. I know that, even if not him, I will find someone else to spend my life with... But I have a hard time trusting him that he's not going to up and leave me someday. I don't see how he can stick around. I know these thoughts are irrational, but I just don't see it.
urbangardener
urbangardener
This looking backward stuff is deadly to our own emotional wellness and happiness. And it can kill relationships. Sometimes we put an ex on a pedestal as being perfect or ourselves not being good enough to keep them. This is our stinking thinking. The truth may be that the ex broke up because he had other issues going on not related to us. So that perfect guy/gal was not so perfect but we continue to memorialize them in our heads. No human is that perfect, no relationship is perfect. So all humans have flaws and bumps. No relationship is going to be without bumps.

We have to mentally separate what happened before with what is happening now. So it is positive self talk. When you start to doubt the current BF, then remind yourself of the good and that he is not the ex. There is no crystal ball to see who will be forever and who will not but often we catastrophe think, which means we tell ourselves the worst will happen. When it usually doesn't. So this is on ourselves to change how we think. You know these thoughts are irrational in your rational mind so start to stop that irrational mind stuff. We all do this but we can change how we think. It takes work on our part to change how we think. You might read The Happiness Trap or take a course of CBT. Doing that changed me completely. I can stop my catastrophe thinking now, it is sometimes so automatic but now I know to stop and change my thinking.