I came to this discussion group to research it for my daughter who is going through her third try at an ugly divorce. She has gone back twice already and wishes she would have followed through because it would be all over now but here she is...starting the process all over again. He starves her out financially, she is afraid to be on her own, she has self esteem issues and he is a controller. The road ahead of her will be difficult but once she is through it she will wonder why she didn't do this, follow through, sooner. There is life after divorce. I have been there and was blessed with a wonderful husband. He unfortunately passed away two and a half years ago. The kids actually suffer when people stay together in an argumentative, volatile and unhappy marriage. It is better for them to see two reasonable people share custody but remain joined in their children's success. I may be stepping out in commenting here rather than stay in my widows group but I have been there, divorce, also and just know. You will never gain your sense of self while you are hiding in a bad marriage. When you do leave and you do make your way in this world you will gain so much in accomplishment which will increase your self esteem. It's tough and it takes time but being happy with yourself first allows you to form relationships based on enhancine each other's lives instead of clinging to someone out of need....

I'm not trying to be harsh here, but you say you want your kids to have a "normal" family but then go on to say that your BD is verbally and emotionally abusive. Do you really think that's normal and good for children? Lininsocal is right--children who grow up in homes where there is anger and volatility aren't any better off than kids who grow up in separate homes. YOU NEED TO DO WHAT'S BEST FOR YOUR KIDS.

I notice too that you have extreme self-esteem issues. You really need to get into some counseling. That is the only way to overcome these issues. You are putting your kids through this volatile of BD leaving and coming back because of YOUR issues--that's not really fair to your kids. You've got to take a stand FOR YOUR KIDS. This constant revolving door your BD is allowed to walk in and out of sends a bad message to both young girls and boys. For young girls, they grow thinking like you do, that you have to put up with this or no man will want you. And for young men, they grow up believing this is an acceptable way to treat a woman.

You have to keep him away for good FOR THE GOOD OF YOUR KIDS.

Again, not trying to be harsh, but just trying to make you face some reality.

Get the counseling. If you can't afford it, at least read some good self-help books out there.

You can get through this. You just have to believe you can. Shut off the phone, Delete his texts. If he shows up at the door, don't let him in. It's simple really.

Sending hugs!

Probably a lot of us have the same issues here. I wasn't abused by dad but he was emotionally distant so I suppose it caused my fear of abandonment.

I had breast cancer so I have one reconstructed breast that looks okay but still not right. I was okay with husband seeing it but little worried about someone new.

BUT if we find someone who truly loves us, our physical issues won't matter to them. If it does, the hell with them. Most men I see have huge bellys and can barely walk a flight of steps so who are they to judge.

You CAN get your self esteem back. Mine is getting better. I had to tell my husband to get out because of VERBAL abuse that my son had to see. It HAS affected him which I will regret every day. I should have kicked his father out YEARS ago so he wouldn't of had to see the ugliness. You need to leave FOR your children. Don't regret that mistake like I do. You don't want your children growing up to either be abusers or thinking that it is okay to be abused by someone who loves you....it's not. Break the cycle. It was easier to kick husband out KNOWING that I was doing it for my son. It helped me to be stronger and not take him back this time.

P.S. When I said "most men I see have big belly's",its not that I'm dating them (not really dating yet), I'm just saying that men I happen to pass on the street are mostly out of shape.

I know somewhat how you feel I left my boyfriend after a year after the back and forth four times. even though its probably easier because I don't have kids I can understand the struggle. I too have low self esteem and want desperately to be loved even though someone wasn't good for me. Its so hard to cut people out of you life because of abandonment issues, but I know you can do it. Its hard and its not easy. I find reading a lot of self help books helps and making lists over and over of why hes not good for you. I'm here if you want to talk!

Thanks everyone for the feedback.. Its good to hear from people who have been where I am and understand. I just want to make something clear: The verbal abuse never happens in front of my kids. Their dad is only here a couple weeks at a time two or three times a year. While he's here everything's perfect between us. Its when he leaves that the abuse starts. Its all over the phone and I use to take it and lt him vent on me. Now I just hang up. But just the fact of him leaving here, being a jerk, and then cheating on me makes me feel worthless. I tell myself if I was good enough for anyone, he wouldnt treat me like that. I definitely need to keep him from talking to me. I know its not good for my kids to have that type of example. Right now they are very young and none of it happens in front of them, but they will catch on eventually which is why I want it to stop before they do. When I said "normal" family, I meant normal family structure with a mom and a dad, rather than just a mom, or step-parents.
I did counseling for 4 months but i stopped because it was hard fitting in appointments with my schedule and finding a babysitter every week so I could go.

Some other things I thought of that keep me locked in this situation are...
1. People keep telling me "Maybe things can work out between you guys after he gets out of the army" & other comments like that. It makes me think it can get better, but I have to remind myself it has only gotten worse over the past few years.

2. He is soooo manipulative! He does/says so many awful things to hurt me and says we should finalize the divorce. But when I am ready to try and move on, he tries to convince me to stay with him. He dumps the girl he's with, begs and cries for me not to leave, gives me money and jewlery, tells me what I want to hear, makes promises to change, one time he even got my name tattooed on his ring finger to prove I am the one he wants....

Stop listening to what he says and watch his actions. They are telling you everything you need to know. He wants to keep you around because it is convenient for him. You take care of his kids and he can show off what a great family he has. The fact that he's had girlfriends while still being married to you says that he doesn't respect you and isn't committed to working on your marriage. Be done with it. This relationship is doing you no good. You will be amazed at how much better you feel once you have put this behind you. We are all deserving of love and respect. But you have to love and respect yourself first in order to get it from other people. Since you have kids together he still has to pay you child support, so you should be OK financially. You can do this.

Thank you Cheryt.. I feel that I can do this.. I'm trying to find the strength and learn to love myself more. The real test will come when he comes on leave in August. I HAVE to put it all behind me.. I cant keep living like this.