Very good post. I completely lost myself in my last relationship because I refused to listen to what my instinct was telling me. And, as it turned out, everything my instinct told me was true.

In the future, in order to keep from loosing my individuality in a relationship, I will acknowledge and trust my instinct. It's always right.

SO TRUE

I do love your post and every word strikes a cord with me.
We have all tried to make someone happy..........It took me so very many years to learn that if the person you are spending your life to make happy doesn't want to be happy......that is like a never ending treadmill....never getting anywhere.
Next time, make sure you get with someone that actually cares about your feelings and isn't all for themselves. Don't just live for someone else, but keep living for yourself too. We all deserve some happiness.

For me I was already lost before I got into the toxic relationship. I am an alcoholic and grew up in a dysfunctional family where I learned unhealthy belief systems and relationships. All my life I never gave myself a chance to know myself due to all the denial and hurt that existed within me. So when I got involved in my last toxic relationship I did not know that I was already codependent on someone to love me, keep me happy, and approve me of me. I was desperate for all of that, unfortunately, I ended up getting involved with a narcissist. Which at the time I started dating him, had no clue. I had no idea what to look for in a man, what I wanted from a relationship, let alone how to love anyone else, not even myself.

For me, codependency, my alcoholism and having a narcissistic father were the result of me being vulnerable to abuse. My ex N saw all this so used it to his advantage to suck me in, act like he cared then when he was ready to discard me, used all my weaknesses to keep me in bondage to him. I was so afraid to be alone and lose him. My very life depended on him. I lost myself doing anything for him to keep him happy, changing my thoughts/behaviors to keep him happy with me. It was a horrible thing to see once I got out of the relationship. Not once did I do anything to keep me happy, not even staying in the relationship. I was so lost that no matter how psychologically toxic it became, I could not tear myself from it.

The more I kept trying to be somebody I wasn't, the more I kept "failing" at who I was. I was not being true to myself. I could feel my inner spirit in turmoil at what was happening to me, I had put someone else's "happiness" before mine. I lost all sense of individuality that at the end I practically gave up on me, the relationship and the ex.

Now I am recovering from my addiction, I am putting myself through support groups that deal with codependency, and abuse. I realized I had to put a stop to all this if I ever wanted things to change and start living a happy life. I was tired of being misguided, used, abused, unloved, and angry. I was tired of living in denial. Amazingly, this past year I have made many changes due to my self-discovery. I am coming up one year sobriety and just three months ago I left my abusive relationship. I found the strength to kick my habits and take my life back. Day by day I'm working on my hurts, habits and hang ups but now I at least know who I am and ain't no one going to take away my individuality anymore. I pray these things will help me maintain healthy relationships in the future!

Wow Nahongvita. That is an awesome response. You have a very intelligent healthy outlook. Seems like you have learned a lot.

Love your post Nahongvita - the words "I was already codependent on someone to love me, keep me happy, and approve me of me" I believe this is true for me as well. I was raised in an alcoholic household and have always sought validation outside fo myself. High achiever and all but never quite good enough. While me ex made very poor choises that led tour split, I often wonder how muh my own issues played inot that - was I too demanding, look to him to much for acceptance? I'm on the road to recovey now as well.

Great post. Add me to the list. I do think there is a theme. I also had an abusive alcoholic step father. I am also a high achiever, but always waiting for someone to notice I'm really not that good. I think we seek acceptance and approval from others to fill the emptiness inside and know we are okay. I know I've started a new journey to find that acceptance within myself and become whole, to learn to love myself as a child of God. Only then will I be fully available for a better relationship.

So, yes. I think that slow journey of losing myself and looking to her to define me as I tried to be perfect for her contributed to losing her.

Wow. Common theme here seems to be an abusive alcoholic parent. I had an abusive alcoholic stepfather who could get down right nasty. I agree that we may feel like we're missing something inside, at least that's how I feel and I started depending on my ex for acceptance and never felt I could get it.
She also grew up with an alcoholic mother and stepfather. I think we both ended up very codependent on each other. We both did a lot of self-help seminars and one thing that always came up for her was not feeling worthy, which is something I can relate to.