Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hello,
I'm new here, and have been looking for a place where i can get some support and advice and relate to people who have been or currently are where i am.
I have been married for a year and half now, and its not been good. He holds so much resentment towards me because we got married in the same year we got engaged. I didnt force him into, but yet I am always blamed for it. I didnt hold him hostage or a gun to his head or anything- he agreed to the date, he agreed to everything, he didnt stop the planning or the invites or anything during the process. So we got married, and he lied about his work stablity. Again, he blames me for that as well. Because before marriage he was doing well, and now hes not- so must be the marriage, not the fact he drinks and smokes all the time, or the fact he switched career paths, or lost motivation, or decided to change avenunes (he has his own business). I pay all the bills, and currently, he owes me close to $50,000. Everytime we went on a vacation, he stated he had the money. Everytime we did something he would "pay" but ask to borrow money after. I enabled him and i know i did- but when you love someone you believe them.
He drinks a lot, and thats when the anger comes out. Back in december, he went to NY for a conference, and tried using my credit card to buy shit all while arguing and fighting with me. Came home told me he wanted a divorce and seperation. Now mind you i know his cousin influenced and swayed that decision, but the decision is his. He just came home and wanted to leave. so for the next month and half i was in deep depression, lost 25 pounds, got super sick, lived in denial and everything, he would be gone days at a time. Didn't want to spend NYE together. The trust was gone... i still to this day think he either emotionally or physically cheated on me, although he denies it.
Since hes been "back" and not living out a suitcase, we have been fighting a lot. We have a few days where things are great, then its back to being crappy. But the thing that makes it the hardest, is his drinking. He refuses to admit its a bigger problem than he thinks. He'll say the next day "i dont want to drink too much anymore" or "im sorry" or whatever but there is always an excuse... ALWAYS... when we fight words that he says in anger are so demeaning, hurtful. He says things like he hates me, that he regrets marrying me, that i ruined his life.
When things are good, when we are talking and understanding things, its great- but its a cycle. Anger/fighting/drunk then apologies and self pity, then kind behaviors, then over compensation, then therapy, then back to the drinking and fighting. Every fight begins when he drinks a lot, it goes into the next day and it then escalates. He has never put his hands on me, but he has punched a hole in the door, i have gotten angry and broken things as well. I have never felt this kind of anger in my entire life. I walk on eggshells around him and can never say how i feel.
Yesterday was my birthday- and i just wanted one day... ONE day about me, no fighting, no getting drunk...but what was the PERFECT birthday of him ACTUALLY TRYING, turned into me on the floor hysterically crying... to an apology this morning and hearing he isn't 100% committed, which to him is the same thing as not being sure (this is something he has said throughout this entire thing). I made it very clear that it is NOT the same thing, you can be unsure, but you still give it 100% if you want this to work... so if hes not why should I?
But why can't i just leave- aside this pandemic situation and not being able to see aparmtnets or moving in with my parents or buying a house for myself.
Has anyone felt this? felt lost and hopeless and lost themselves but having a really hard time to pick themselves up? been with a narcassist who blames everyone and everything else for their shortcomings and negative atrributes? my depression and anxiety has gotten so much worse since we've both been working from home and here in lockdown.
Also, right now he is down the hall at a friends house, where he usually plays video games and drinks- lol so ya the crap said this morning was just that- crap.
I was married to an alcoholic for 17 years. Let me congratulate you for catching early onto what some of the issues are. I never knew the blame and the drinking go together. I would like to recommend an e-book called "The Alcoholic Relationship Survival Guide". It was recommended to me here on DS and was such an eye-opener, and I do believe it gave me the courage to finally leave my marriage. I got it from a site called empoweredrecovery dot com. The place on DS where I learned about it was the Wives of Acoholics group. I suggest reading some of the posts there - you will see that these men don't change for the better if you stay and do everything perfectly.
As far as "why" you can't leave: I think the engagement and marriage are still pretty recent, so perhaps you are still sort of in the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship. Our bodies make all these feel-good chemicals when we are around a loved one. Our brains get addicted to that - dopamine, oxytocin, etc. I think you still crave that, big time. If your husband isn't feeling it, well, I think the alcohol, binge shopping and video games just give him that dopamine rush and nothing else compares. Nothing you do, paying for stuff, winning every argument, is going to change him. The addictive personality was there before you met him. But you can have a happier life if you leave.
If you have kids together, it will be 100x harder to leave. Since from your post it sounds like you do all the giving, and he won't quit or get help for his bad habits and even asked you for a divorce, I would not bother with any couples counseling and make yourself a to-do list for getting the divorce rolling. Taking action feels good. Make a list of all joint accounts, discreetly start looking into divorce laws and attorneys, take the husband off your credit cards. Make sure you won't have to pay HIM alimony. Good luck!
And energy into this. And he mistreats you.