I get what you're saying and feel the same about the steps that need to be taken. Even though moving forward is the only thing that we CAN do when someone decides that they don't want to married to us anymore, it's not easy. The steps forward can be overwhelming.

People have said to me, about my journey of the past few months, "I don't know how you're doing it. You're so strong". It doesn't feel like it, and the steps are hard, but we're all as strong as we need to be. Everyone's rate of success for getting through hard times is 100%. We've all been through hard times before and we're still here.

Wishing you a smooth next step. We will all come through the other side of this and will be happy again.

Okay, this is just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth. When my husband announced he was divorcing me I told him I wasn't paying one dime towards the divorce. I figured that since he was the one who wanted out, then he can file and he can pay for it. If I were you I would let her file and pay for it.

@notenoughcoffee: thanks, I've seen some of your posts here and I like your point of view. Hearing that someone who seems to be recovering experienced some of the same difficulties really make me feel like I'm not going off track with my own recovery.

@KAW1962: really I would like for someone to just take over the process like that. She can't pay for filling or an attorney to help because she's not working.

Even if she could pay for it, I've realized that the less I rely on her to do anything, the happier I am. It seems like whenever I count on her for something such as giving the kids rides to school, it's a huge setback for me if she bails at the last minute.

Seth, we have setbacks and steps forward in every other part of life. The ones involved in the breakup just seem more extreme - I totally know how that feels. But it's not really all that different. Just more magnified because of the terrible feelings, grief and anger and everything else we're feeling.

I always think of my favourite saying. An optimist is a person who knows that a step back after a step forward is not a disaster...It's a cha-cha. There will be many more steps in this. But eventually it will go forward a few steps in a row.

Any advice? It all depends on when you would like to get it over with so you can move on with your life? The more you dwell in the fact that it is over whelming...it will always be overwhelming. I personally think you may just be afraid how filing will affect your kids?

i am finding the steps somewhat overwhelming, getting to filing. i only have so much free time, so i have just gotten to the point of choosing my lawyer (i wanted to interview a few, i don't know what i'm doing so i want to "shop around"). and everyone in my city wants several hundred, if not a few thousand, dollars down (probably the same everywhere i'd guess) so it has taken some time to get that. i make too much for legal aid, but i don't make enough to support myself and the baby alone w our current bills, and although i have filed with the state to force husband to pay what he is supposed to in child support, they said it could be 6 more weeks before they can get his wage garnishment set up. so here i am in a bit of a holding pattern. i'm sure to some that sounds like excuses, but i have no other choices. i don't have rich family or friends, i already work the most i can, i can't cut back any bills right now, we were living so tight as it was. my stbx is the one who asked for the divorce and left, and although no part of me wants him back either, it will NEVER happen if i wait for him to file. he lives in never-never-land, where saying "i want a divorce" is the same as telling your HS girlfriend "i don't want to go steady anymore, give me my class ring back" and poof it's done. he's been living the "single/divorced" life already and in his mind he wouldn't care if it was never made official. hopefully that will work in my favor when i ask for full custody of the baby--he already lives like i have 100% custody. sorry for telling you my life story, just want you to know, i get it, it can be a complicated process w a lot of steps, depending on your individual situation. big hugs to you!

I filed in march it is difficult to pull the trigger. It's such a big step you know once you invest in there's no going back and I think that plays on the psychi a bit. Where I am they make you wait 6 months before they make it final so I regret the procrastination that did take place it only added a month or so to my misery. It's a tough step be strong you'll get through it good luck.

I haven't yet . And I have reason to . But I don't think there is a general guideline for people to divorce . I will when I'm ready . Honestly I wonder if one ever is ready? I really do . I dont have the answer to it myself.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I finally set up an appointment with a lawyer. My stbx wife and I are going to meet with her together since we're working towards an uncontested divorce.

The stbx is taking a trip around the country for a month, so I'm hoping that doesn't put too much of a delay in filing because after we fill we'll still have another 6 months to wait before it becomes final. Its funny because that first step of just picking a lawyer seemed like such a daunting task that I was frozen by fear and didn't do anything for months. Now that I'm about to start the ball rolling, I just want to get it done.

Wishing you the very best though this emotional turmoil.

I would think there are some benefit of having found her email to her lover .There is proof that she committed adultery, therefore possibly, helping you when it comes down to what she could get out of the divorce settlements. I think of it this way...My stbx cheated, and if I dont get what is rightfully mine...some cheap whore will enjoy the benfits of my hard work all these years. He cheated, he damaged the marriage why should I then see a whore enjoy the benefits?
I'm just saying... I've seen it happen and it doesnt feel so great. Especially when a person suffers from someone elses bad decisions...