I don't think its that your ex is being difficult, turn it around on yourself.

Why are you being so difficult

If you have been with someone else for four years, why are you letting your ex get to you. In fact why are you even talking to them.

I don't mean to be dense but why are you apologizing to your ex? Why do his feelings matter if you've been divorced for 4 years? If he can't forgive you that's a problem he needs to work out in therapy. It sounds like you're feeling guilty for moving on which is exactly what you were supposed to do when you got divorced. Have you considered therapy ( in addition to talking to your pastor) to help you deal with your issues?

My ex cheated on me. He knew what he did, made the settlement easy, but put me through hell with my kids. I've been divorced over 4 years. My 2 children, left me because of what my ex says. They are both adults, but ex painted some strange picture that they think I was the parent in the wrong.

My ex's mother comes to my defense. Most of my family does, it's hard because ex works for them.

My ex owns the property next door, my parents helped us buy it. He retained it in the divorce, I retained my parents house, with a stipulation he would not live there. We fought over that for months. Who wants to live next door to their ex? He actually moved a block away, still renting out the duplex, so we constantly see each other.

I apologize to my ex, because when he was cheating on me with a co-worker (alerted by family), then had a serious accident, and became mean, I just started apologizing.

I gather the apology's are working. He's gone from nasty e-mails, to actually some correspondance.

My boyfriend, and friends, hate what I'm doing. I have nothing to apologize for, but, I'm trying to have my ex let our children back into my life.

Whoa - that last post you wrote (#3) - was so confusing - so many people involved - you sound like you have too much going. Your children are adults now? - shouldn't they be making their own choices? - I agree w/the others - seems like you are having trouble letting the past be that, the PAST. Maybe you might want to move away - you said your EX lives down the street from you? - sell your house and move. Start fresh - stop apologizing to people - for four years? - sounds weird to me. Maybe counseling will help.

Take care.

Friends and family seem to be involved because they've seen my ex in action. My mother-in-law apologized to me that she didn't raise a better husband. One of her sons has been divorced twice now, and is now dating, and sees it heading the same way, her other son, his wife would have left him, but has no income and hasn't worked in 25 yrs. He started a business, it failed, so they owe. MIL says they took after their father, which if hadn't died, she would have left him. We talked many hours about her having 3 teenage sons, losing control of them with no husband, losing her house, and all the bad choices they made. Her husband was Chicago suburb Italian. Very big into the bling, and having to show an immigrants son could make it big. Overspent, and it's why she lost everything when he passed. Its why we still keepd in constant touch. She wishes that my ex would reinquish this vision of an affluent life, and happy family. I also keep in touch with his brother's ex's.

I, on the other hand was born to a struggling, but, promising family. My father did make his money, but we still gardened, still went to the farm to slaughter our meat, had home made clothes, vacations were visiting family and friends, staying with them to avoid hotel costs, and I now again live that way.

My ex wanted what my brother has, huge house, expensive cars, exclusive club membership, grand vacations, etc. I lived that 'dream' for years. OK, didn't have the huge home, no memberships, did have the Escalade (hated it), when I started to notice that the only reason he invited me to industry events was I was so & so's daughter or sister (of which I knew who they were, I grew up and worked with them), which after intro's, he'd ditch me to discuss his agenda. My brother and his wife are up there in society, me, I'm not. I'm with my other 2 sisters, down to earth, spend only what you have in your bank account, enjoy parks, hiking, walking, free things. Even my ex Pastor told me ex married me for importance, which then said I was at fault for not supporting him.

We met at my father's business. When we got married, ex got a $6/hr raise, so that he was earning more than I did. Ex took it as he was finally recognized for his work, rather than, as my father told me, he couldn't have a son-in-law earning that much less than his daughter. I didn't object. He had his degree, he was earning minimum wage.

Things changed when I left to take care of our children. Ex stopped talking to me, hated family gatherings, friends stopping over, too tired to go to dinner, but charged $50 for donuts, $200 lunch, $500 dinners, all which he said were work expenses, and was when he refused to show me his pay stubs. After working there 20 yrs, I knew they wouldn't pay this.

So, to sum this up, my ex has told the kids that I'm withholding, and denied, them of their inheritance. No matter how much explaining I have tried to do, we have a LLC, my brother inherited the company, my sisters and I got the land holdings, including the building the company is in. My ex should know, because when my father's will was finally settled, he had to sign an aggreement that no matter what happens, he and his children have no right to anything. They even sent papers over for my boyfriend saying if we marry, he has no claim. He jokes, like I want to get into this mess.

So, my ex tries to paint me as the bad parent, turning my kids from me. I think by apologizing all the time, it would help the kids see, I wasn't at fault, and that foucusing all that hatred against me, could be wrong.

Now that you've fleshed out the details, I'm even more convinced that the apologies need to stop ASAP. An apology, by definition, is an expression of regret for a wrong. Arguably you're only mistake was in your choice of a husband. Your children are adults. What they choose to believe is something you cannot control. Wills are public records. Let them go read it if they think they were cheated. By continually apologizing you're sending the wrong message. You're teaching them that bullying and manipulation yields results.

Thanks Missy. It's hard. I've been a people pleaser all my life. I think that my friends and family are trying to steer me back to the independant person I was. Getting there. It's wise words here that push me forward.

your ex sounds like a dumb ***

It's no longer his business who you are seeing now and whether or not you were pining away for them. Your lives should pretty much be separate now.

I've told my ex I don't want to know anything about his girlfriend or what goes on in his life and he has respected my wishes.

I lost contact with our daughter for three years right after the divorce was final. I would leave regular messages "hi I love you. Call me when you can." Every week then two, and once a month. I was giving up when her dad called on her to help; yes he lied. I never apologized for leaving her father. He was a serial cheater and a bigamist. I did finally tell her to but out. This was between me and her father. I wasn't putting him in jail. If he went to jail that was a judges decision and between him and the judge. All I wanted was what her dad owed me. I stood my ground with her and I had nothing to apologize for. She I'd back and has been for three years.I now have two little grandkids in my life.

I read your journals. You are a people pleaser and you need to start living your life for yourself. I can see red flags with your boyfriend. Youvare jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. That is going to hurt because I did that with the ex.

You have worked for family for a long time; me too for about ten years. If you don't have a therapist why don't you try seeing one. A neutral third party to help you sort out how to deal with all the people in and out of your life. The one I see has been very helpful and has helped me deal with my vindictive ex.Never apologize for wanting to just be you.

Tried a therapist 3 times, well 4 times. 1st time was required for my Psychology major, 2nd after my mom passed, my sisters and brother were so self absorbed, I was pregnant, taking care of my father and working. That ended no where. Then, went when my marriage was disintegrating, big bust, also. Ex refused to come with me because he didn't want to hear he might have something to do with what was going on, and then the marriage counselling, he set up, then claimed she was a woman, she's going to take my side. Don't know if I should count the mandatory grief counselling from Red Cross when my superior committed suicide. The events that led to that, was the straw that broke my camels back. My ex did not hide his hate to my fellow Red Cross volunteers about my joining.

My boyfriend, things are good. His son is getting older, his mother is losing hold. He's gathering more courage in parenting, and now knows he has the upper hand. He's still very upset that my son mows my ex's lawn next door, and doesn't bother to say "Hi, how are you dong?"

I have let these things go. I have become closer with my family, and they all assure me my son will come around. My daughter, they haven't even spoke to, so, I'm resigned to a lost cause.

I'm actually starting to get happy again. I always knew, you can only change your perspective, you can not change any other person.