Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
WARNING: LONG POST
I have been a member of DS for almost four years now. I was in a relationship with a guy and we had a little boy and then we for pregnant and had a little girl a year later that was born still.
Throughout our 7 years of being together he cheated on me, never knowing he did till I was pregnant, gave him another chance and found out he was cheating on me still. I moved back to my home state and moved in with my mom. We tried to work it out long distance but I didn't trust him. I questioned everything and didn't believe anything he ever said to me. We called it quits about a year and a half ago. Since then my mom got cancer and so I went from a part time job to a full time and a part time job. I pay all the bills and still am always trying to find ways to get a third job because we live paycheck to paycheck. My ex doesn't pay child support or anything.
After me and my ex broke it off. He called about once a day. Then he would make plans to come out and see my son. He's parents would call and say they always wanted to see my son but never had the money to come out. I would always offer to meet them half way or something just so they could continue to have a relationship with my son. Then the calls completely stopped from his parents and my ex was calling about once a week. No one called for any holiday and I had to beg my ex to call my son last year on his birthday.
About 7 months ago the calls, text, e mails and everything just stopped from everyone in his family, including him. I have called, texted, e mailed and everything. Haven't heard anything back at all. I was on Facebook going through my friends list and saw I was still friends with his sister. I clicked on her profile and saw pictures of her wedding. Started looking through the pictures and saw pictures of my ex with a girl at her wedding. I broke down in tears. My ex was always the type of person that always put everyone that is his "family" on the back burner and always took a girl over everything. Like, for example: I just had gotten off work and I called him to tell him I had to go to the hospital, something was wrong. He didn't answer. I called him about 5 times in about a half hour period. Finally had to call his mom to see if she new what was going on. Come to find out he was on the phone with some other girl for 45 minutes and was ignoring me. After I found out we had lost our little girl, he didn't even come to he hospital. Not once and nine days after I had her I found out he was with that girl the whole time. Another example: one day we needed diapers for my son and we had twenty dollars in the bank. I was pregnant so
I asked him if he could go buy some diapers with the $20 and he said we didn't have it. The next day come to find out he went and took his pregnant co-worker to lunch with the $20. Stuff like this happened all hr time.
So now that I know he has been dating this girl for almost a year now I am more angry than ever. As much as I saw I while we were together, I never thought I would get this upset about it still. How could you go from being a good dad, calling every day and trying so hard to have a relationship with your son to not calling, texting or anything for months. I disconnected his line after 6 months of not using the phone (we were still in contract and I didn't have the money to take his line off so I lowered to the cheapest I could). Why am I so angry and hurt that he just can't be a dad. I begged him to be a dad. I would beg his parents. And now they want nothing to do with my son. Maybe because they don't like me or they hate me. So they take it out on my son.
Why is it so hard to get over this? It's been a year and a half and I still don't understand how someone could choose a girl over their own child that is so innocent. Or how grandparents say they want to see their grandchild but don't have the money and then find out a month later they we to Turks Caicos. Why do I still have so much hurt?
Sorry if there is any typing errors. I am typing this on my phone.
I have been a member of DS for almost four years now. I was in a relationship with a guy and we had a little boy and then we for pregnant and had a little girl a year later that was born still.
Throughout our 7 years of being together he cheated on me, never knowing he did till I was pregnant, gave him another chance and found out he was cheating on me still. I moved back to my home state and moved in with my mom. We tried to work it out long distance but I didn't trust him. I questioned everything and didn't believe anything he ever said to me. We called it quits about a year and a half ago. Since then my mom got cancer and so I went from a part time job to a full time and a part time job. I pay all the bills and still am always trying to find ways to get a third job because we live paycheck to paycheck. My ex doesn't pay child support or anything.
After me and my ex broke it off. He called about once a day. Then he would make plans to come out and see my son. He's parents would call and say they always wanted to see my son but never had the money to come out. I would always offer to meet them half way or something just so they could continue to have a relationship with my son. Then the calls completely stopped from his parents and my ex was calling about once a week. No one called for any holiday and I had to beg my ex to call my son last year on his birthday.
About 7 months ago the calls, text, e mails and everything just stopped from everyone in his family, including him. I have called, texted, e mailed and everything. Haven't heard anything back at all. I was on Facebook going through my friends list and saw I was still friends with his sister. I clicked on her profile and saw pictures of her wedding. Started looking through the pictures and saw pictures of my ex with a girl at her wedding. I broke down in tears. My ex was always the type of person that always put everyone that is his "family" on the back burner and always took a girl over everything. Like, for example: I just had gotten off work and I called him to tell him I had to go to the hospital, something was wrong. He didn't answer. I called him about 5 times in about a half hour period. Finally had to call his mom to see if she new what was going on. Come to find out he was on the phone with some other girl for 45 minutes and was ignoring me. After I found out we had lost our little girl, he didn't even come to he hospital. Not once and nine days after I had her I found out he was with that girl the whole time. Another example: one day we needed diapers for my son and we had twenty dollars in the bank. I was pregnant so
I asked him if he could go buy some diapers with the $20 and he said we didn't have it. The next day come to find out he went and took his pregnant co-worker to lunch with the $20. Stuff like this happened all hr time.
So now that I know he has been dating this girl for almost a year now I am more angry than ever. As much as I saw I while we were together, I never thought I would get this upset about it still. How could you go from being a good dad, calling every day and trying so hard to have a relationship with your son to not calling, texting or anything for months. I disconnected his line after 6 months of not using the phone (we were still in contract and I didn't have the money to take his line off so I lowered to the cheapest I could). Why am I so angry and hurt that he just can't be a dad. I begged him to be a dad. I would beg his parents. And now they want nothing to do with my son. Maybe because they don't like me or they hate me. So they take it out on my son.
Why is it so hard to get over this? It's been a year and a half and I still don't understand how someone could choose a girl over their own child that is so innocent. Or how grandparents say they want to see their grandchild but don't have the money and then find out a month later they we to Turks Caicos. Why do I still have so much hurt?
Sorry if there is any typing errors. I am typing this on my phone.
I'm sorry for everything you've gone through.
I don't really have an answer for you, not exactly. But I have recently found myself in a situation where the behaviour of someone else baffled me. I won't go into detail about it, as it's not exactly parallel to yours. But it does involve duty, kindness and loyalty. I think, when we choose to have a life with someone, or to love someone who seems to love us back, and in the end they appear to abandon us (or children) when we need them, part of the trouble with letting go is that we feel that it's a reflection on us. We chose them. It makes us feel better to know that, even if the relationship didn't work out, that person is good and kind. Finding out that he or she is in fact selfish, inconsiderate, even cruel is hard to bear, especially when there's a young child involved.
The sad thing is that you're suffering and your son is suffering as a result of someone's failure to be a decent human being, even to do the bare minimum. You aren't at fault; you have done what you can to try and get him to listen and he isn't a strong enough or kind enough person to do what he should. His parents' behaviour could very well be the key here. It's clear that somehow this runs in the family.
I'm sure they don't hate you. There's probably some serious guilt there and avoidance.
I would be angry too, and would have trouble getting over that. You have every right to be angry and hurt. When you can, try to let it go a bit and try to focus on your life and your son's, and whatever it takes to make you both happy. It probably feels like if you could just get through to your ex, it would help, but chances are that he will not manage to come round. And that's sad for him, because he's the one who's really missing out.
Best of luck to you. I'm very impressed at your phone typing skills, too.
maybe it was drugs. maybe it was booze. maybe they were abused. it could be a number of things.
but, at least we know right from wrong and can keep our kids safe so that they can grow up OK.
keep being a good mother and surround yourself with other good mothers. it will help some.
but, that is just a fear common to all women. the reality is that nature's bond between mother and child is probably the strongest bond of all - no matter what happens in life.
stand back and see that specific fear and reassure yourself that in the long run by doing the right things now step by step will reap you big rewards when your children are adults and remember the courage and displays of honor that you showed now while you were trying to maneuver through this probably the hardest time in your life.
i, for one, applaud you for hanging tough and facing your problems. you are a good example to many. :)
as long as you can shelve it for enough time that you can enjoy your children and show them you can enjoy your life
then youre doing ok
but feel to take it down from that shelf when youre with your gf's, or exH does something else neglectful or selfish or stupid
just keep all that inbetween time free to breathe and live
its no excuse, but guilt can be very difficult to tolerate for some people
me, i needed to make amends because i could barely stand it
some people avoid, numb it out with addictions or distractions, deflect it on you, anything to avoid feeling it
it doesnt mean they dont care
it just means theyre flawed in different ways than us
thank gawd your kids have a mom and grandparents who DO let them know how valuable and cared about they are
Below is a site about government efforts to collect child support. You need to pursue child support and you don't let this guy off free. Anything you can get is better than nothing.
http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/government-efforts-collect-child-support.html
I am so sorry about the loss of your little girl. I'm also sorry that your ex could not man up to be there for the loss of his child. Many many hugs.