Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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diemjs 01/17/2008

I have to go to work, but wanted to post this before I left. I will read your replies when I get home this afternoon.

Why am I so afraid of telling him things? This happened when we were together, too. For instance: According to our sep agreement, he is to pay me $500.00 a month for one yr to "buy" me out of the house. Along with that 500, I have a credit card in my pocket with a limit of $250, that he pays. ( he has used it once to buy his gf beer for her birthday...$45.00 worth!) Anyway, I was not able to use the cc in Oct and Nov because he did not pay this bill on time. So, thats $500.00. The check he wrote me for $500 in Nov bounced. He has given me $960.00 since Dec 1st. Add it all up, and he still owes me $1040.00. My question is Why am I so afraid to tell him this is what he owes me? I know he doesnt have the money, and I feel bad that he owes this to me. I also know I am afraid he might yell at me, or talk to me the way he always talks to me. Like Im stupid, or an idiot. Help me do this! What do I do?

deleted_user 01/17/2008

I am going to give this some thought. But for now you answered your own question about why you are afraid just a little later in the same post. I'll get back with more thoughts take care and have a good day at work

deleted_user 01/17/2008

I'll pray for you.

deleted_user 01/17/2008

Because they are passive agrresive and no matter what the circumstances-he will find a way to blame you-I did the same thing-He left me witha house I was incapable of repairing-So we lost our deposit-afraid to tell him -it would have been my fault-Car got reposessed-afraid to tell him because i would have been stupid to use my money to put a roof over my head-instead of paying my car payment-etc, etc-I had been called adumb bitch so many times I wanted to avoid it.You can do this- don't let him escape resposibility like I did with mine-this is the nature of their being.

deleted_user 01/17/2008

I have the same thing with my STB X. He knows if he yells at me, he will intimated me and I will back down. the best advice I can give you is get an unbiased agent to help you tell him what he owes you. If you can't do that, think about having someone safe with you when you tell him. Don't let his anger remain your problem.

deleted_user 01/17/2008

Why are you afraid? Because it's awful to go through it!! It makes sense that you're afraid. But do it anyway. You can do it anyway. His life circumstances are his responsibility...just like you're taking care of you. You're not stupid, you're not a bitch for expecting him to be an adult and do what he's supposed to do. You're scared, but strong...and that's fine.

deleted_user 01/17/2008

Just tell him.

Also, keep in mind that you already know he dont have it.

What happens after that? I dont know.

deleted_user 01/17/2008

OK I'm back. First off you must understand that his lack of financial responsibilty is 1 cause of the divorce. So If you get the courage to talk to him about that, you must realize it will not accomplish a damn thing. You can not make him do what he has not done all along. Now a liitle but about fear: fear is a healing emotion, it allows you to exlore what could happen that we do not want to happen. Fear is not a perdiction of Doom,but an emotional recognition of what we do not want to happen. does this make any since to you? Fear is courage turned inside out, get that courage and fear will go away. Just my thoughts on the matter at hand. Remember you can not make him do something. Good luck to one of my best DS friend.

deleted_user 01/17/2008

bumbing for you . Put you big girl panties on.

deleted_user 01/17/2008

I'm kinda the same way that you are. I don't know if I'm "afraid" to tell him stuff but I don't tell him stuff that I should.

Like, I don't tell him to stop calling me all the time. I don't tell him that I hate what he's done to me. I don't tell him that I don't want to be his friend.

In my case, I have to depend on him right now. I don't have a job yet to support myself. So I guess I don't want to piss him off. Also, I think if I tell him that 1 thing, it will snowball into a tirade of the hate and disgust that I feel for him and I'll scream at him for hours.

I think, bottom line is, I just don't want to tell him stuff because it might lead to a conversation between us and I just don't want to hear his lies and crap.

diemjs 01/17/2008

Thanks Joe, for your wise words. And thank you to the rest of you for your prayers, thoughts and comments.

I am going to text him with the question of when will I get my money. Not like that, but I will ask him. I dont think I will put in the $500 he owes for the lack of use of the cc, because he will come up with the excuse that he bought tires for my car, so we should be even. (mind you, he is an auto mechanic, so he got them used, or at cost. And he should take care of my car for free. I think!).

Thank you again, all. Hugs and this time, KISSES, too!

deleted_user 01/17/2008

I think it is because you were supresed in your relationship, like I was, and did not feel good with my self and saying all I wanted. After so much of that, you tend not to need help to put yourself down. Meaning, the abusive behaviour is internalized in negative self talk. The reality of abuse is that we take hurtful things to the heart and then after abuse is gone, we can do it to ourselves. It took time for me to actually change that internal talk, but a book that helped me was "te journsey from abandonment to healing", susan anderson. Before that, I was a bit conscius i was doing it, but did not know how to stop. the book gave me valuable tools.
My 2 cents
S

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