Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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bambam 09/12/2007

Okay, so when people get married, it seems like the whole world wants to tell the next person in line about the 'upcoming happiness'. But when people get divorced - who's place is it to tell others about the news?

Here's why I ask:

I have been separated since February 14th. I told my family on the 16th, and well, to put it bluntly, I haven't spoken to my parents but twice since then. (My brother and his family are super supportive and we have a better relationship now than we ever had, or I could have ever dreamed of before this happened). How my parents have distanced themselves from me has been an issue for me since this all started.

This morning I get a phone call from my godparent, who are my father's sibling. I talk with them for a good few minutes before I get the question: 'so, how's S?' (S - would be the STBX). I stand there stunned, why would they be asking about him - it has been 7 months since we broke up. So I ask them - 'do you not know that S and I broke up?' and I am told no. They had no idea.

Now, other than the fact that I was completely taken off guard by this, emotions came too quickly to the surface, and I have been a mess since - does any one think that this is odd? My parents and my godparents are super close, talk and dinners at minimum 3 times per week. Don't you think that this could have been brought up over the course of the past 7 months - does anyone think that my parents maybe should have given a head's up to the same people they called when I got engaged!

I am over the top upset about this - I can't understand or justify why this is happening. I have been fighting back tears all morning - not only because I am upset by them not knowing, but thinking of how my aunt (who asked the awkward question) would feel.

I would really apreciate anyone's input on this. Thanks in advance

deleted_user 09/12/2007

Yeah, I would think your parents would have told them. It sounds like your parents may have some issues with divorce in general, though; the fact that they've distanced themselves from you since you told them about it. Some people (not that this is right) wouldn't tell anyone about something that they disapprove of, because they feel that it would reflect badly on them.

This is just a guess, obviously, but I could see my mother doing something like that.

deleted_user 09/12/2007

Wow, sounds like your parents are in denial. That is sad. I am glad that you have your Brother.

deleted_user 09/12/2007

Older people sometimes think divorce is a disgrace or failure. That is probably why they didn't say anything. They were brought up to believe you stayed together no matter what. Personally, I think it speaks poorly to their relationship with your Aunt and Uncle that they wouldn't trust them to be non-judgmental about this. That's withholding major information. On the other hand, my family let me tell each family member because they felt it was my place to do so. And I agree - I told my parents and siblings one by one personally. But as far as my Aunt and cousins, I left that up to my parents - I don't really have a close relationship with any of them. Just meet and greet at very infrequent family functions. I'm sure that your Aunt and Uncle are very hurt about this and may say something to your parents.

I would have assumed your parents said something, too but it sounds like they are not comfortable with this. Sorry. Hugs.

deleted_user 09/12/2007

I went through a similar situation with my family. My mother, in particular, thought I should stay with the ex, so she kind of ignored the whole situation for as long as she could. I think it was a kind of 'ignore it and it won't be real' thing. I was not happy and after a year my relationship with her is still not quite the same. I agree, your parents should have told the extended family where you don't have a close personal relationship. Sorry you are feeling bad about this!

deleted_user 09/12/2007

Some folks just dont think its appropriate to pass on such sensitive, personal information to others. That might not be the case here, but it might be a possible explanation...

bigguy3 09/12/2007

Plain and simple, it is your place to tell. Your divorce is your business. Other people don't want to get involved in your business or step on any toes and possibly create conflict. Take the responsiblity on yourself and inform those that you care about and want to know. Don't expect friends of family to spread the word for you.

deleted_user 09/12/2007

It is your place to tell them. Would you prefer the world being told, including those you would rather not know. I would view it as a sign of respect for your privacy and nothing more. Maybe you should discuss with your parents who you would feel it ok to know should the topic come up. Even hear them out on their views, if you haven't already.

deleted_user 09/12/2007

Call your parents, it is there job to inform ppl. Seriously no one likes to talk about this so if directly asked by a cousin or someone who may not have spoken to your parents you say We are seperated, do the head nod and smile and say I'm doing fine. Then drop it.

However your parents should be informing their siblings(aunts and uncles) who should tell their kids(your cousins). You have to tell your friends and co-workers.

Thats just how its done, like no one wants to run around saying hey I miscarried! So they tell their parents and word gets around. Its a just the poliet thing to do so that those(you & your stbx) going through the crisis(divorce, miscarriage, etc) do not have to start every conversation with "We seperated......"

deleted_user 09/12/2007

Just a thought, but do you have a big gossip in your family? That way you only have to tell one person :)

deleted_user 09/12/2007

It probably varies from one family to another, but I really wanted to be the one to tell people -- in my own time, in my own way. But in my case, most people had the response of "What took you so long?" so there wasn't any dancing around the issue.
I guess I would have expected my Dad to tell any aunts and uncles if he were in contact with them, since talking about the family is the main focus of their conversations. And I'm not clear if your were separated or divorced. If you were separated, your parents may have just wanted to wait and see the end result. It can be tough if a couple goes through tough times, everyone knows, and then they get back together. But if you were actually divorced, it would have been natural for them to mention it.

deleted_user 09/12/2007

my in-laws are completely ashamed at the divorce. they see it as a huge failure that reflects terribly on them, especially since their daughter initiated the whole process (with a good and supportive husband at home).

it's unlikely that anything you do or say will change the way your parents feel about the situation. don't really have any advice to give here, except that i think both you and your parents need space to heal. you can't change what they think or do, and vice versa.

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