Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I got the phone call 2 years ago. Mrs. W? This is ___, Im a social worker at Childrens Hospital and I just heard your husband lying to you. Your son tested positive for opiates. Hes now threatening to commit suicide if the staff tells you the truth.
A few minutes prior, hed called me with the news that our 2 year old son was fine, and just had a case of the flu.
That day I learned how manipulative my husband could be. Here was
a man who had put his son in danger not only by being careless with his medication, but by lying to me about his condition, possibly preventing me from giving him proper care. And the staff felt nothing but sympathy for him- he was the victim.
I arrived at the hospital and was questioned by a police officer, who just happened to be an old friend of my husbands. He assured the social worker that F was a good man, and that this was simply a mistake. What he wanted to know was why I had allowed my husband to drive our son to the hospital in the state he was in, as unbeknownst to me, he was taking the absolute maximum dosage of oxycontin.
The event shook me so much that I gave my husband an ultimatum- go to rehab, or were getting divorced. He did- or so he said. Hed call every day pretending to be in a lockdown rehab. Then one day I tried to reach him and found that they had no records of him staying there.
Turns out he was living in his car. I gave another ultimatum, and this time he really went.
For a while, it seemed things had gotten better. But hed developed a new addiction- online gaming. I started noticing that we never seemed to have any money, and my husband insisted we spend less on groceries. I soon learned that he was spending around $1000 a month on his game. I also discovered an ongoing conversation with a 15 year old. Nothing too damning, but they did message each other every day.
Another ultimatum. I told him he needed to give me control of our finances, and he refused. Desperate, I contacted his father and explained our situation. I thought maybe he could get through to him, and he did. He told him how wrong he was, that he was stealing from his family. My husband gave me control for a little while.
Then bit by bit, he took it back.
He insisted I become his caregiver. Hes a veteran with a PTSD diagnosis, and he told me this program would settle all of our financial troubles. Wed be given over $2000 a month if I would just tell a few slight exaggerations about ways in which I help him. He prepped me on what to say, and we were approved.
After that, I lived in constant fear of the truth surfacing. Could I go to jail for these exaggerations? He started working under the table, installing security cameras at various locations. He wasnt supposed to be able to work, and this was something the program asked me about specifically, on numerous visits. I told them what he wanted me to- No, hes not able. But in the back of my mind, I worried tremendously. Why do they keep asking me this? Do they know?
Despite the extra money from the program, we remained broke. My husbands explanation was always the same- Id been spending too much on groceries. We were making $8,000 a month off his disability, social security, and the program, and he was pulling in an additional $500-$2000 with his budding business, but we still had nothing to show for it.
He started acting very strange, and I knew he had to be on drugs. I asked him to test for me, and he refused, so I took the kids to my parents and threatened divorce. He finally agreed to test if we came back, and the result was positive for methamphetamines.
I called the caregivers program and told them I wanted to disenroll.
Hes furious.
With all of the money we were making, and hardly any bills, my credit score has mysteriously dropped from excellent to poor in just a few months. Ill be seeing a financial advisor soon, and hopefully that will help to explain why.
One of the reasons Ive stayed so long is because I feel the kids are safer if were together. At least then I know where they are at all times. And could it be possible that he wins full custody? Who knows what tricks he has up his sleeve this time. But Im going for it- I cant do this any longer.
I just wish I knew who he really is.
Whos the real F? The sweet, caring father that does everything for us? Or the manipulator who hides money, a drug addiction, and secret relationships with young girls?
A few minutes prior, hed called me with the news that our 2 year old son was fine, and just had a case of the flu.
That day I learned how manipulative my husband could be. Here was
a man who had put his son in danger not only by being careless with his medication, but by lying to me about his condition, possibly preventing me from giving him proper care. And the staff felt nothing but sympathy for him- he was the victim.
I arrived at the hospital and was questioned by a police officer, who just happened to be an old friend of my husbands. He assured the social worker that F was a good man, and that this was simply a mistake. What he wanted to know was why I had allowed my husband to drive our son to the hospital in the state he was in, as unbeknownst to me, he was taking the absolute maximum dosage of oxycontin.
The event shook me so much that I gave my husband an ultimatum- go to rehab, or were getting divorced. He did- or so he said. Hed call every day pretending to be in a lockdown rehab. Then one day I tried to reach him and found that they had no records of him staying there.
Turns out he was living in his car. I gave another ultimatum, and this time he really went.
For a while, it seemed things had gotten better. But hed developed a new addiction- online gaming. I started noticing that we never seemed to have any money, and my husband insisted we spend less on groceries. I soon learned that he was spending around $1000 a month on his game. I also discovered an ongoing conversation with a 15 year old. Nothing too damning, but they did message each other every day.
Another ultimatum. I told him he needed to give me control of our finances, and he refused. Desperate, I contacted his father and explained our situation. I thought maybe he could get through to him, and he did. He told him how wrong he was, that he was stealing from his family. My husband gave me control for a little while.
Then bit by bit, he took it back.
He insisted I become his caregiver. Hes a veteran with a PTSD diagnosis, and he told me this program would settle all of our financial troubles. Wed be given over $2000 a month if I would just tell a few slight exaggerations about ways in which I help him. He prepped me on what to say, and we were approved.
After that, I lived in constant fear of the truth surfacing. Could I go to jail for these exaggerations? He started working under the table, installing security cameras at various locations. He wasnt supposed to be able to work, and this was something the program asked me about specifically, on numerous visits. I told them what he wanted me to- No, hes not able. But in the back of my mind, I worried tremendously. Why do they keep asking me this? Do they know?
Despite the extra money from the program, we remained broke. My husbands explanation was always the same- Id been spending too much on groceries. We were making $8,000 a month off his disability, social security, and the program, and he was pulling in an additional $500-$2000 with his budding business, but we still had nothing to show for it.
He started acting very strange, and I knew he had to be on drugs. I asked him to test for me, and he refused, so I took the kids to my parents and threatened divorce. He finally agreed to test if we came back, and the result was positive for methamphetamines.
I called the caregivers program and told them I wanted to disenroll.
Hes furious.
With all of the money we were making, and hardly any bills, my credit score has mysteriously dropped from excellent to poor in just a few months. Ill be seeing a financial advisor soon, and hopefully that will help to explain why.
One of the reasons Ive stayed so long is because I feel the kids are safer if were together. At least then I know where they are at all times. And could it be possible that he wins full custody? Who knows what tricks he has up his sleeve this time. But Im going for it- I cant do this any longer.
I just wish I knew who he really is.
Whos the real F? The sweet, caring father that does everything for us? Or the manipulator who hides money, a drug addiction, and secret relationships with young girls?
And, I'm sorry to say that F is no longer F. He is an addict and as long as you are present in his life, nothing will change for you. He is making it clear that he has no intention of changing.
Addicts, in general, blame everyone but themselves and they expect everyone to cater to them. Based on what you've said here, this is the case with F.
He also sound abusive which is also fairly common w/addicts.
You are living in the most toxic of environments. I can tell you from experience that while we are in that toxicity, we cannot see it. But once we are out, it becomes much clearer in time.
IMHO, you need to save yourself and your child(ren). If you won't get out for yourself, get out for your child(ren).
Children learn what they live and live what they learn. NOTHING can change that except getting out and getting qualified help.
Please find a qualified therapist who specializes in codependency. In addition, find some local alanon, narcanon and CoDA meetings. And GO to one every day.
I can tell you from almost 4 decades of being married to and having kids with an active alcoholic/addict that it ruins lives, especially the lives of our children. They learn those behaviors and carry them on unless you get them help NOW. And we learn to survive and most of the time our survival skills suck. Yes, they get us thru the moment, but they affect us mentally, emotionally, physically & spiritually.
Life is much better on the other side!
~healing hugs~