Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I am new to this forum but have been on DS before for something completely different.
A little about my relationship, my husband and I have been married for a little over 19 years. We have 3 wonderful kids together. Our marriage has not ever been easy. Within the first year of our marriage, he spent 3 months in jail for drunk driving. My family told me to leave him but I fought to stay married because everyone else in his life had turned their backs on him and I thought I could change him. As long as I have known him, he has been a drinker. Many of our fights stemmed from how drunk and obnoxious he would get. Two years after our wedding, we conceived out first baby and I thought children would change him. A year later, we conceived our second baby and then all hell broke loose. I went back to college, was working full time and raising the kids and was getting sick. It took the doctors 3 years to figure out that I had Lupus. His drinking became a daily occurrence and the verbal abuse started. In September 2012, I was working full time as a nurse in a pediatric emergency room and was told that I was too sick to work and was placed on medical leave. The hospital refused to help me find something less physically demanding and terminated my employment. I have been on disability since.
He has called me everything from bitch, whore (which is funny because he is the only man I have ever been with), fat lazy slob. He has told me I ruined his life by getting sick. We can barely pay our bills yet he drinks a little over $20 a day 7 days a week and states he deserves is because he works hard.
I tried getting him to go to marriage counseling a couple years ago and he finally agreed but said it was a waste of time because there was nothing wrong. The abuse is not as often but still happens and just last week he called me a bitch and told me to suck it in front of our 9 year old son because I would not come down and watch him get drunk.
All he does is yell or hang out in the garage and drink. I don't even sleep next to him any more because being near him makes me feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest.
A few weeks ago I saw a lawyer. The retainer is $1500, money I don't have. My parents lent me some of the money and I have been saving the rest in little amounts.
I know if you are reading this, you are thinking to yourself that this is an open and shut case but it isn't. I really have no friends to talk to and the ones I do have always say the same thing "divorce him".
It's not that easy. I know this is going to kill him and I feel so bad because he has had a horrible life. His father was an abusive drunk and his mom passed when he was a baby. He has no relationship with his siblings. All he has is us.On top of that, I don't think I can make it, financially, without his income.
He has told our children that if he ever loses us he will kill himself and when I mentioned divorce in the past, the kids begged me to stay with him.
This is tearing me up. He calls me from work every day just to see what is going on. I think mostly to see if he did anything wrong the night before because he was so wasted he doesn't even know. He sends me texts and calls me 'dear' and it makes my skin crawl. When I know it is almost time for him to come home from work, I have panic attacks.
He says he is sorry and does not mean the things he says but he is not willing to change or get help for his anger and drinking.
I don't even know which road to take at this point. I don't want to hurt him but I also realize that he is making me sicker. Stress is not good for people with Lupus. It makes the immune system go bonkers.
Any advice would be awesome!
Thanks!
A little about my relationship, my husband and I have been married for a little over 19 years. We have 3 wonderful kids together. Our marriage has not ever been easy. Within the first year of our marriage, he spent 3 months in jail for drunk driving. My family told me to leave him but I fought to stay married because everyone else in his life had turned their backs on him and I thought I could change him. As long as I have known him, he has been a drinker. Many of our fights stemmed from how drunk and obnoxious he would get. Two years after our wedding, we conceived out first baby and I thought children would change him. A year later, we conceived our second baby and then all hell broke loose. I went back to college, was working full time and raising the kids and was getting sick. It took the doctors 3 years to figure out that I had Lupus. His drinking became a daily occurrence and the verbal abuse started. In September 2012, I was working full time as a nurse in a pediatric emergency room and was told that I was too sick to work and was placed on medical leave. The hospital refused to help me find something less physically demanding and terminated my employment. I have been on disability since.
He has called me everything from bitch, whore (which is funny because he is the only man I have ever been with), fat lazy slob. He has told me I ruined his life by getting sick. We can barely pay our bills yet he drinks a little over $20 a day 7 days a week and states he deserves is because he works hard.
I tried getting him to go to marriage counseling a couple years ago and he finally agreed but said it was a waste of time because there was nothing wrong. The abuse is not as often but still happens and just last week he called me a bitch and told me to suck it in front of our 9 year old son because I would not come down and watch him get drunk.
All he does is yell or hang out in the garage and drink. I don't even sleep next to him any more because being near him makes me feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest.
A few weeks ago I saw a lawyer. The retainer is $1500, money I don't have. My parents lent me some of the money and I have been saving the rest in little amounts.
I know if you are reading this, you are thinking to yourself that this is an open and shut case but it isn't. I really have no friends to talk to and the ones I do have always say the same thing "divorce him".
It's not that easy. I know this is going to kill him and I feel so bad because he has had a horrible life. His father was an abusive drunk and his mom passed when he was a baby. He has no relationship with his siblings. All he has is us.On top of that, I don't think I can make it, financially, without his income.
He has told our children that if he ever loses us he will kill himself and when I mentioned divorce in the past, the kids begged me to stay with him.
This is tearing me up. He calls me from work every day just to see what is going on. I think mostly to see if he did anything wrong the night before because he was so wasted he doesn't even know. He sends me texts and calls me 'dear' and it makes my skin crawl. When I know it is almost time for him to come home from work, I have panic attacks.
He says he is sorry and does not mean the things he says but he is not willing to change or get help for his anger and drinking.
I don't even know which road to take at this point. I don't want to hurt him but I also realize that he is making me sicker. Stress is not good for people with Lupus. It makes the immune system go bonkers.
Any advice would be awesome!
Thanks!
The thing about us alcoholics, myself included, until we are forced to face consequences of our bad actions and behavior, we have ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO CHANGE! Let your husband know that his actions have consequences up to and including you leaving with the children. Maybe then he will sit up and take notice.
FWIW, I had to lose my marriage and custody of my children before I was willing to do what I had to in order to stop drinking.
I have threatened divorce in the past but never went through with it. I know he senses the distance between us. We have not had any intimacy in our marriage in over 3 years. That's how bad it is. I just can't make love to someone who calls me a bitch.
I made the same point you brought up to my kids. I don't know if he will quite drinking if he loses everything. It may cause him to drink himself to death. I guess I am just the kind of person that thinks of everyone else and their feelings before my own. I can protect the kids from his abuse. As long as I am here he will not abuse them.
I have experienced many of the things you describe firsthand, and my heart aches for you. No one should have to experience the horrors of living with, and loving, and having a family with, an alcoholic.
His drinking is not your fault. You do not cause it, despite what he may say at times. If he choses to hurt himself, that too, is his choice. Spouses of alcoholics tend to be co-dependent (I know I was/am, I'm working on it), so their threats cut us to the core and we feel responsible for their choices. Which is exactly what they want: for us to feel responsible for their poor choices, and for us to clean up their mess. You and he both need to learn to accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can, and learn the difference between those 2.
You can't change or stop his drinking, but you CAN change how you react, what you do, what actions you take. It does sound like a situation you need to get out of. You are taking some good steps, and I know it is hard but likely necessary.
I would also strongly recommend that you get involved in AlAnon. It is support for family members (including children) and friends of problem drinkers. By following the link below, you can find meetings to attend in your area, or even sign up for an online meeting. I have used the online meetings in the past; it is a chat-room format, and it is SO very helpful. I did this when my now-EX-H and I first separated, because it was the dead of winter and I had a 9 month old baby to raise on my own. It's not something that will help you change him (you can't), but it will give you strength and hope:
http://www.al-anon.org
Big hugs and lots of strength to you.
http://www.al-anon.org
You are doing the right thing by divorcing him. He will be required to pay support for you and the kids, no judge would allow him to get off on his responsibilities.
I wish you the best and I hope you will keep us posted.
I know it's not easy. It's damn scary to leave. I took my vows very seriously. I considered alcoholism a disease and kept telling myself if he had cancer, I wouldn't leave him so how can I leave him when he has 'alcoholism?' I did that for 36 years. The damage I did from staying is evident in my adult children and its being passed down to their children.
I finally realized that if he had cancer, he'd be doing anything and everything he could to get better. It's not like that w/some alcoholics. Denial is the main symptom of alcoholism. And like others have said, there is nothing you can do.
You didn't cause it. He did.
You can't control it. He can.
You can't cure it. He can.
Texi made some very good points. However, there is one caveat and that is SOME ALCOHOLICS NEVER HIT BOTTOM, no matter what happens. So DON'T make any decisions based on what you hope might happen.
Base your decisions on what IS happening, how long its been happening and whether or not you want to continue to live like this AND how its affecting your children.
Children learn what they live and live what they learn.
Threats, especially empty threats, will do nothing for any of you, except feed his behavior. I realized that just my being present in the house was enabling the ex.
At some point, if you choose, you will decide it's not worth three of you dying (literally and metaphorically) because of him. He is killing you and your kids.
He is using the threat of suicide to manipulate you!!!
If he drinks himself to death, that will be HIS CHOICE and it HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!
My best guess is that he will drink himself to death whether you stay or go. My ex is still drinking himself to death 9 years after the divorce. It appears that he's ruined his relationships w/his subsequent wives, as well as his kids and grandkids. And that's HIS CHOICE.
At some point, it would be really healthy for you to decide that you have done all you could and now its time to focus on your healing. Living w/an alcoholic causes collateral damage and we codependents end up sick in so many ways.
You said, "I can protect the kids from his abuse. As long as I am here he will not abuse them. "
That's just NOT TRUE. Him abusing you is, in fact, him abusing your kids! Just witnessing abuse can cause the hippocampus part of the brain to shrink in kids as much as 20%. It causes unseen trauma that gets internalized and that causes emotional damage. Please do not fool yourself to think that he's not abusing the kids.
It's REALLY hard to see the forest for the trees right now. That's because you are living in total toxicity and until you get out, it will only get worse. I chose to leave the marital home and for me it was the best decision I ever made. I am no longer surrounded by his toxic energy which oozed from him and everything in the house.
Please start taking good care of you. Get therapy w/a qualified therapist who specializes in recovery from abuse/trauma for you and your kids. Also please consider getting into a functional 12-step program (not all of them are - it depends on the group) like alanon and I highly recommend CoDA.
Life does get better after leaving - much better. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
~healing hugs~