I dont know if there is anything I can do about this situation but Im more or less looking for positive and constructive ways to deal with my situation so any advice or opinion would be greatly appreciated. In a nut shell I have been friends with a female for 7 years we have always cared about each other, supported one another and shared a lot of very good memories together. The past couple years we have got closer when I say that from my side I have depression/anxiety Ive always found it hard to confide in others or just in general feel comfortable enough to be myself completely around others. I do have some good friends but with mental illnesses since none of my friends are very familiar and theres so much stigma I usually keep a lot of things to myself. I tend to be on the shy and quiet anyways but with her I was none of those things. Over time I was able to let my walls down completely which is very rare for me to do especially since my last relationship was real bad but I felt if I were to do it with anyone it would be with her. For the most part she opened up to me a lot as well, she also has depression. Like I said weve always been there for each other and we have pretty good communication with one another there isnt too much we dont know about each other. We have always been there when one of us needed support especially with having depression. Our friendship I thought was very unique and solid the only thing that made it complicated was we were always intimate as well. We acted as a couple but we never made it official, we never had really any boundaries but we never looked for other partners. If the situation were to arise we always were honest and told one another even though it was difficult we had that trust. From my part the only thing that kept me prior from being in a relationship with her was that with my depression I felt sometimes Id be mentally unstable whether it showed or not I felt like I was. No one is perfect I get that but I wanted to be more stable for her because I didnt want things to change if we ever started dating and I didnt want to have real bad depressive episodes to where Id affect her. So Ive been trying hard to improve myself and having her in my life helped me a lot especially support wise because I never had a strong support system. She was always on the fence she would want a relationship but sometimes she didnt know if she was fully ready. A few months ago I started to realize that my feelings for her were getting stronger and it was kind of scary in a way but I wanted to make sure it was real. I went abroad to volunteer for a month but prior to that we like usual talked and spent a lot of time together. She helped me prepare for my trip and gave me a real nice card before I left which I loved. When I seen her the day before I left I got real choked up because it was hard to say goodbye to her. I knew I was only going away for a month but I knew Id miss her a lot and it would be sometime before I spoke with her. In general whenever either of us has traveled we always found a way to communicate with one another. When I got to my destination I was able to access my email and when I checked it she had messaged me. It was one of the best things I received because I wasnt expecting it and being able to hear from her was great. While I was gone we emailed back and forth. When I was away I thought about her a lot and I realized how much she meant to me so I wanted to let her know. Expressing my feelings has never been easy but this I thought I had to let her know. Being away gave me a chance to clear my head not just about her but about my life, its very hard to find time to yourself and think clearly but I was fortunate enough to have the time to do that when I was gone with no distractions from daily life. I asked her if it was ok if I spent the week with her when I got back and she seemed excited about that idea. I asked to spend that time with her so I could give myself a chance to finally tell her how I really felt about her.

When I got back the first day was great I was so happy and she seemed the same. After that I noticed a shift in her behavior she became easily irritated and became distant. I didnt know why and I asked what was going on and she said it was nothing but there was something clearly wrong. Because of that I felt very uneasy and I couldnt tell her what was on my mind anymore I started to think that I was the problem. I told her maybe I should cut my visit short and go home but she said she wanted me to stay so I did. The next day nothing got better I went out and about and told her Ill leave her key at her place and go home but she was insistent that she wanted me around. I was reluctant but I ended up going back. All the sudden she told me she doesnt know where her life is heading, she feels very lost and wants to figure out her life. Then she said that she couldnt continue with what we are doing anymore she wants something more meaningful and a real relationship. She said that she doesnt know if we can be friends anymore and she needs time to sort things out. Im all for self-improvement and I always want her to do whats best for her but I couldnt understand what was going on. I know sleeping together complicates things but if she felt uneasy with that and didnt want to do that I was on board with that I just wanted her in my life. I tried to tell her how I felt but it was hard after because I felt hurt and I think a lot of what I was able to say fell on deaf ears. I went from having such a high from traveling and knowing how I really felt about her to coming back to devastation. I told her that if she wanted a relationship I would want that and it was the reason why I wanted time to spend with her so I could tell her everything. She didnt say much when I said that so I became really confused. That happened in November and we havent spoken too much since then. She was adamant that It wasnt about me and I didnt do anything she just needs to figure out her life which is fair but I dont understand why Im the only who is cut out of it. The last time I felt this deeply about someone was over 10 years ago I thought Id never be in love again until I realized I was in love with her. It hurts feeling that way about someone and knowing that youre the only one excluded from her life and you dont really know why or maybe I just dont understand. You go from being so close to someone you care for to being told they dont want you in their life anymore. I asked her if this was it and she said no she still wants to talk but not really. She told me she cares for me very deeply, she feels bad for whats going on and this hasnt been easy for her but it seems very easy to me in a way. She sends me these mixed signals that if I need to talk to someone I can contact her but yet she wants space from me. In my life I never gave much thought into marriage but with her I knew I only wanted to be with her. Mutual friends have told me that she felt the same way which further perplexes me. At this point Im unsure of what to do or if there is anything I can do because it seems things are out of my control. She never told me this but if she were to tell me to wait I would because I dont want to date or spend time with any other woman but her. With the present situation Im struggling to figure out what to do because of her uncertainty I feel I should move on especially if she doesnt know if she wants me in her life but a part of me doesnt want to. Ive never felt this way before so how could I be so wrong now. I cycle back and think back if I did anything but she said I didnt, I think back and say I should have opened up earlier so now Im filled with guilt. I know its unhealthy to continuously think about someone who doesnt know if they want you around but she was such a huge part of my life and now shes gone. When I see other women I always think about her and how much I miss her. If eventually I were to move on and date someone else and she started talking to me again and expressed interest Id probably go to her. I wouldnt want to be put in that situation I would never want to be with someone just to leave them for someone else that wouldnt be good of me I couldnt do that to anyone that would be so hurtful but thats how strong my feelings are for her. At this point I dont know where to go so Im asking how I should cope? If I should try dating again? How do I stop thinking about her or any helpful advice.