Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My husband and I were together for almost 10 years. He was my soul mate. My everything. We almost never had a harsh word, we were kind and compassionate to one another, we were made for each other. I adored everything about this man and he adored me.
Then suddenly, 1 year ago, he asked for a divorce by email. He couldn't even be man enough to talk to me to my face. He has refused contact with me for the past year except by email. He has given me no answers as to why he left. I have begged and begged for an explanation, but he won't give me anything to go on. All I know is that for 2 months before I got the divorce email, he started treating me very differently. He was extremely irritable, blamed every little thing on me, and just overall treated me like he hated me.
I am by far not perfect, but nothing happened to make him treat me this way. I did not upset him. I didn't do anything wrong that deserved that kind of treatment. Two weeks before the divorce email, he sent me an email saying that he was having some problems with his self esteem, he was sorry he was treating me so badly, and that he loved me more than anything and wanted to make it work. Then BAM! The divorce email came. I was never given a chance to even talk to him about what had happened or why he was doing this.
Fast forward one year...I have been in almost unbearable emotional pain for an entire year. I don't know why I can't seem to move past him. I am still in love with him now just as much as I was a year ago. I constantly dream of how beautiful our life was together. I have so much anger toward him for ruining something so special, but mostly I miss my best friend, my soul mate.
Are there others out there who have made it this far (one year out) but are still in incredible emotional pain? What is wrong with me that I can't let him go? Are there others who thought you had found your real, true soul mate only to have them leave?
I am in therapy, but she really doesn't seem to be much help. She's more of a listener than an advice giver. I will try to find a new therapist soon, but in the meantime, please give me some advice.
After an entire year of this hell, all I really want to do is end my life. I'm not saying I would act on anything, but I really just want to die. I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Then suddenly, 1 year ago, he asked for a divorce by email. He couldn't even be man enough to talk to me to my face. He has refused contact with me for the past year except by email. He has given me no answers as to why he left. I have begged and begged for an explanation, but he won't give me anything to go on. All I know is that for 2 months before I got the divorce email, he started treating me very differently. He was extremely irritable, blamed every little thing on me, and just overall treated me like he hated me.
I am by far not perfect, but nothing happened to make him treat me this way. I did not upset him. I didn't do anything wrong that deserved that kind of treatment. Two weeks before the divorce email, he sent me an email saying that he was having some problems with his self esteem, he was sorry he was treating me so badly, and that he loved me more than anything and wanted to make it work. Then BAM! The divorce email came. I was never given a chance to even talk to him about what had happened or why he was doing this.
Fast forward one year...I have been in almost unbearable emotional pain for an entire year. I don't know why I can't seem to move past him. I am still in love with him now just as much as I was a year ago. I constantly dream of how beautiful our life was together. I have so much anger toward him for ruining something so special, but mostly I miss my best friend, my soul mate.
Are there others out there who have made it this far (one year out) but are still in incredible emotional pain? What is wrong with me that I can't let him go? Are there others who thought you had found your real, true soul mate only to have them leave?
I am in therapy, but she really doesn't seem to be much help. She's more of a listener than an advice giver. I will try to find a new therapist soon, but in the meantime, please give me some advice.
After an entire year of this hell, all I really want to do is end my life. I'm not saying I would act on anything, but I really just want to die. I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel.
But the important thing here is you....
If you are having suicidal thoughts you need to see a psychiatrist, therapist, psychologist, anything.... You might be suffering from depression.
Second, you haven't moved on Not because you are weak. But because you are strong in your love.
Third> how can you move on without closure. You need closure and to be able to understand the reasons WHY.... It must be so hard for you to be going through this while you are still in love and not understanding why he left. I am very sorry.
Best thing you can do right now is give YOURSELF the closure you need.
Love yourself and tell yourself everyday: I am better than this. I did not deserve this. I deserve better. I will be strong starting today for ME not for him but for ME.... and start moving on.
NO CONTACT with him would be the best thing. Stop asking him why and ask yourself why not. Why not start moving forward? Why not be good to myself? Why not do what I need to do to better my life?
Do it and start feeling better.
Read other people's stories in this group and find peace in the fact that you are not alone AT ALL.
BIG HUG
You cannot seem to let go because it was all unresolved. It is easier to accept things when they leave you for another person or just don't love you anymore.., but receiving nothing for a reason and just like that must be so painful to you. It is easier to say that you have to let go of him... as he has left you. You need to now protect yourself and take care of yourself. It is horrible feeling when you feel like that.. not being able to let go. I do hope you can find some peace here with us. I now time will heal are empty words, but by talking to your therapist hopefully helps you to at least gain some control back to your life. Take care.
Animalito....I read your story and responded. I am so very sorry that you are going through something so heart wrenching. Yes, I definitely have some severe depression and am on meds since the famous divorce email. I still feel very overwhelmed and lost. I really like what you said about me not being weak, but being strong in my love. That makes me feel much better. I am always beating myself up for not being farther along in the healing process.
Animalito and Elisabet, you are both right in that it's so difficult to find closure when there are no answers. I find myself constantly wondering "why did he do this?", "what could I have done differently to save my marriage", "should I have fought harder to make him stay", etc, etc. I have given up on ever finding any answers.
This is one strange thing I haven't mentioned.....he actually had his attorney put it in the consent judgement that he wants to attend marriage counseling within 6 months of the divorce. I asked him why he wasn't willing to go to counseling to save our marriage but he is willing to go now and all he will tell me is that he doesn't want to save the marriage. I don't think I can face him in therapy. I'm terrified that he will tell me everything is my fault and I just can't handle that. I have decided that I am just not strong enough to go to therapy with him. What do you guys think?
Don't give it much thought. You are not the one who is wrong here. He is.
You tell the judge that you have tried and tried and he wouldn't even give you a reason for wanting a divorce and if this is what he wants then you need to find a way to bounce back and dragging this even further will only be worse for you. You are the victim not him. He is asking for the divorce without even giving a reason. NO don't let him manipulate you this way. It is only being done to manipulate you and the judge into thinking he is the nice one. HE IS NOT.
I'm sorry if I am coming off a little upset... But it pisses me off to see men having such great women at their feet and them not caring and see good men like me at the feet of women who tell them they love them but then go off and sleep with someone else. It's just not fair.
Don't let him play the victim. Be strong and keep your head up high. Show him what he is losing and let him eat his heart out.
Whatever it is he has to work through, he wants to be single in order to do that. I don't understand why the marriage counseling at the time he wants to do it and that he isn't attending so to save the marriage or relationship. Its an odd request, but my guess is his reasoning's for it are probably for himself once again, showing his selfishness. Just know, you shouldn't have to feel like you should attend these. You don't have to. If he wants to work on knowing what a marriage is, how to handle or be in one, altho the marriage he wants is not with you, it doesn't seem logical for you to be involved... for your own sanity and protection of your heart.
I am sorry you are in the mess you are. But know, that you are not alone. We have all been through the wringer even if the specifics of our stories aren't quite the same. it takes time to get through the haze, then maze to come out sunny side up. And some times, well, more times that not, it takes more then a year to just get your bearings. I am one that knows that from experience; as many here do as well.
Welcome to the group. I hope you find the solice, comfort and understanding here that you are looking for.
Dont let your wounds turn you into someone you're not. Look at the big picture. He acted like a coward and ran away from happiness for selfish reasons. He's the victim of his own crime. He lost the best thing that ever happened to him and you should feel not anger but pity towards him.
But you, you're a strong, brave, caring, beautiful person. You got hurt really badly but this doesnt change who you are. Maybe it will help you to think that none of this was a mistake. He was your soulmate when you met him and during the 10 years you were together. But then you two evolved in different ways. Love didnt die. Love never dies and never fails. It's him who failed. He failed in treasuring you and treating you like you deserved.
Stop bargaining now. Forgive him for the pain he caused you and look forward. Think of all the new friends that are waiting to be met, all the colours that are waiting to be seen, all the great moments that are waiting to be lived.
YOU CAN DO THIS. ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE HAPPY !
Don't put so much pressure on yourself in regards to time and healing. A year is not that long. I'm at a year and a half and still struggle. Seems as if everything I have tried to ease the pain has failed (dating, alcohol). I have come to the conclusion that this is something I just have to go through. I have friends who have recently divorced and have all jumped back into relationships. Sometimes I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Why can't I move past the hurt like they seemed to? It makes it look like the way to healing is just to replace the loss, but I don't believe it. Give yourself all the time you need. I know it is gut wrenching, but just know there are no rules to any of this. I like to think that the amount of pain we feel is proportional to the amount of love we have to give. Be happy that you have that much love in your heart. Take your time...........there are a lot of us out there.
As harsh as this may sound, men like our exes are simple. You can torture yourself with the scenarios as to why he left but if I was a gambler, i would imagine there was someone else who maybe caught his eye? My ex had a friend in work he was close to. It was only months later I found out just how close they had been.
As horrible as that is, please please take comfort in the fact that you DID NOT cause this and you certainly did not deserve to be treated this way. Like a piece of trash he discarded.
He sounds like a selfish pig for requesting counselling after not even giving you the respect to speak to you face to face and be a man and admit HIS failings, not yours.
Sometimes I believe anger is more powerful than pain, and if he keeps going the way he is he will give you the fuel you need to be strong and determined in moving on from him. You can you will be ok after this.
Remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem (even if it feels long term).
Message me anytime you want some girl talk xx
I think what I desperately need is no contact. Even though he is the one who left, he has constantly sent me harassing emails over the last year for the dumbest stuff. I get several hateful emails every week and every time I get them it makes me physically ill for several days afterwards. I stay in a state of constant turmoil. And as stupid as it sounds, alot of it is because I don't want him to hate me. I don't understand why he feels the need to emotionally terrorize me when he's the one who left.
There was a point this summer when he didn't contact me for 3 weeks. I felt much better and didn't feel as much of the overwhelming hurt. The problem is that we still have a couple of things to do to wrap up the divorce (his signing over the car to me, returning a few small items, etc). I don't know how to do all that without any contact.
I got a call from him this past Saturday. It's the first time I've spoken to him on the phone in over a year. He screamed at me at the top of his lungs over a couple of stuffed animals I had not returned to him, wouldn't let me speak at all, and then yelled "f*ck you, you f*cking b*tch and hung up on me. I didn't feel like I deserved this at all. This is so different than the way he used to be. I don't understand why he hates me so much, but it kills me inside. I still love him so very much.
You are right to go no-contact. Do you trust him to do right by you in the divorce? If not, get your own attorney and go through attorneys to sort the stuff out. I couldn't talk to my STBX about stuff because he would get all emotional and try to make me feel bad for leaving his angry, drunken ass, so now everything goes through the attorneys, even though we have 2 kids together. Very sad. Stop the contact with him. You know it's the right thing to do because you feel better when you do. No reason to accept his abuse.
The divorce was actually final back in May, but he didn't get his belongings until last weekend. The only thing we have left to do is for him to sign the car over to me. He had an attorney through the divorce process, but he only used her as needed so we couldn't go through her for communication. I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up through the rest of this and then cut him out of my life.
I am so emotional over this jerk. He has turned into a completely different person. That's one of the only things that makes me feel a tiny bit better. He is not the same, loving, kind, compassionate, sweet person that I once knew. I want to know what switch someone flipped to turn my wonderful husband into this evil person he is now.