Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,009 Members
100,360 Posts
1 Online
Relationships & Sexuality
/ Breakups & Divorce Support Group

When will my heart catch up?!

Sarasalt
Sarasalt
One of the hardest parts of this whole 'healing process' is being patient.

It's so frustrating when your brain has everything sorted out, but your heart hasn't caught on yet. I know that I will get past this eventually. I know that it's for the best, and that my ex was never going to be capable of a true partnership. I know that I deserve more. I know that I don't want to talk to him right now, and I don't know when/if I ever will. I know that I was very unhappy last year, that it was a direct result of his behavior and choices, and that all of the things about our relationship that I really miss are from a more distant past, and I was missing them even while we were still together. I know that at the point that I reach the anger phase, I'm going to be really, really angry. I know that I don't want to continue wanting someone who doesn't want me.

But none of this seems to matter. I still have that pain in my chest, all the time. I still start crying unexpectedly. I still constantly wonder if he misses me or our relationship at all, even while I try to tell myself that it can't matter. It's still a huge struggle to think about anything else, even while doing things I enjoy.

I know that this takes a lot of time, and that it's going to take much longer than 2 months for me to get over a 5 year relationship. But it's so frustrating when your mind and your heart are so out of synch! Here's hoping that the new therapist I'm seeing this week can help me to sort through this mess and help me to start actually letting go...
Juneday
Juneday
I keep thinking the same thing. My therapist is helping but it want all this over so I can move on. Unfortunately I still have to have contact with my stbx because we have kids. There are times I wish I could get over it for them but I can not make the feelings go away, I keep holding on to that there is a slight chance that we can work this out if he just came home.

Good luck with the new therapist.
aliaw
aliaw
Hi @sarasalt... check out what I wrote in my "Emotional Volatility" topic yesterday.... I feel like you articulated a lot of what I'm going through right now too. I wish I could say for both of us that I had some direction, but for now maybe it just helps to know that I'm in solidarity with you on this. I am going back to my old therapist via Skype this week (for the lovely price of $100 an hour which my insurance won't cover since I'm insured in Germany, but I feel its best to be with who I've worked with for three years... yet another valid reason that I have to be very very angry), and I tried a "guided meditation" podcast today which usually isn't my thing at all but I actually found it a good escape, if even for 20-30 minutes.

Sending hugs and hope for peace :)
whatthe321
whatthe321
You put what I have been feeling so correctly. My heart is the tortoise and my brain is the hare. Don't be afraid to use your anger. I'm not saying be an angry terror, but I use my anger to help me stay grounded and feel something different other than sadness and despair. To quote John Lydon "Anger is an energy". The anger helped me realize what my stbx did and it pisses me off to the point that I know and realize that I deserve better. However, my heart does lag behind my brain. Letting go is hard...so hard, but for me was necessary to move forward. I've gotten to the point where I don't care anymore what she is doing, is she with the other man, how does she feel about me. I've just been so exhausted working so hard trying save something that I rather turned to letting it go for my own sanity.

Good luck!!
Sarasalt
Sarasalt
@whatthe321 - I'm actually really looking forward to the anger. When he finally moved out completely, I was suddenly livid for 3 or 4 days before the sadness set back in. And I completely agree with the idea of anger as an energy... I feel like when you're angry you take action, as opposed to being sad and wanting to hide. After so many weeks of continued sadness, and knowing that I have some legitimate reasons for being angry, I'm ready to get there! I know that I won't stay angry forever, and for all of the things I'm upset about, my ex is a good person. So it'll be temporary, but a much needed break from all the crying!
tcl18
tcl18
I maint eh anger pahse too, but ti seems to behaving teh opposte effect on me -totlaly zaping my engery and elvaing me feelign burnt out and sad. Iwas doing well for so long, but I;'ve entered anotuer "phase" f grieving I guess. Woohoo.
tcl18
tcl18
Sorry about that last post - sent before spell check!
whatthe321
whatthe321
@sarasalt - The anger did help me take action. My stbx did not set up a budget for her apartment...I did it. My stbx did not set up a schedule for our kids...I did it. My stbx did not know what to say to our kids...I did it. When I started seeing my therapist he would say that feeling angry is perfectly natural. It is ok to have thoughts about what I would like to do to the other man. Not that I would ever do anything like that but it is sort of a weird fantasy (probably not the right word).

Besides crying is overrated. Yes...I have done my fair share of crying (actually as recently as this morning) but for me it is much easier coming down from a "high" of anger than coming up from a "low" of sadness.
whatthe321
whatthe321
(Hit "Add" before I finished)
Crying is a good release but you are left with red eyes, a runny nose, and a salty discharge from your tear ducts. I don't get any of that with anger. :)

Stay strong and good luck!!!
slabel76
slabel76
I'm right there with you. My STBX just decided to leave physically in october, but he left emotionally years before. I was very unhappy but never thought divorce was an option... we have been together for 20 years and he's done this a few times before.

Now he wants to come home so no only am I dealing with the emotion of him up an leaving... for the 5th time in 20 years and the sadness and hurt but now I'm dealing with the guilt of even though those are my feelings I can't keep putting myself and my kids in that situation where he on a whim jerks us around.

So for me, I'm ANGRY that he left and SAD that my 20 year relationship is done and I'm feeling GUILTY that I'm now the one doing it because I won't let him come home and that now my children will have to grow up in a divorced house.

Some days I'm stronger than others and more confident about my decision... this has been going on for 4-5 months for me... and I'm still struggling from day to day... but it IS getting better... hang in there =O)
murphytoronto
murphytoronto
Ahhh Anger....My room mate
Finally dissapates after a year...but rears its head at times

A HUGE stage of the greiving process and the hardest one for me to let go of

HULK SMASH!!! haha
milliejay
milliejay
It is very frustrating - I can relate - but there is nothing we can do to expedite the process. We can do things to react better to our sadness and void, but we have to feel all the stages of a breakup, it's not going to kill you, it won't break you, so I know how you feel but sit tight. You need to go through bad to appreciate better later. Peace will come.

You are correct, you can't get over a 5 year relationship in 2 months, if you did there would be something wrong with you.

Seek therapy and open up with your therapist, put all of your effort and push through but be patient with yourself because that's just how life goes - we have to experience grief and unpleasant seasons.

Sometimes it's a bit weird to me how people grief so much over a breakup - when in reality sure, that is a sad stage, but is a minor issue in comparison with people who are fighting for their lives daily. We can be so spoiled and selfish sometimes. No one has died of a broken heart - well, not anyone I know -:).

Good luck.
loosingthebattle
loosingthebattle
My stbx was always the great guy, outstanding morals, ethics known for promoting character to students. I feel it is a mid-life crisis and his friend is taking advantage of his kindness. But know that he has made choice to nurture and cultivate their connection. Still love him but feel he has too much hate & hurt built to get past. He can't get over hurt of his father not standing up for him and they were inseparable when we got married. That has been over 10 yrs ago and he tolerates him for our kids but doesnt even see him as a friend. So I have just been telling him he can have & take whatever he wants so he can be OK. Has talked suicide 4 different times, but now he just seems to be filled with anger. Stone cold looks of mean is what I see around me. Smiling, joking & laughing in public.
A friend told me I need to develop some "healthy hate" and stand up more for myself. We have 3 kids and I want to be able to get along for them. But feel hurt with his ability to move on and seem Ok .
felifel
felifel
I know what you mean!! I too am frustrated with this. I know my ex does not deserve me and he made horrible choices that no good husband would ever think to do. He also continues to dissapoint me know when it comes to things related to our daughter. I have no desire to get back with him! But -- that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when I think of the good times in our relationship. After all, there was a reason we were with them to begin with! There was a special connection. It hurts knowing that your best friend is gone.

It has been about a year and a half for me since our split. I am doing much better now but it is still a struggle some days. We were together 15 years though so it's understandable that it would take a while to start feeling better. Therapy did help me a lot. I am so glad I went.