Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My husband's affair started about five years ago. I found out 8 months later. We tried to work it out for 2 or so years but he wasn't happy so he wanted a trial separation. It's been a year and a half since he moved out. Tonight I was paying our cell phone bill (we're still not divorced but I think we're going to see a mediator to get it going this week) and saw that he's talking to a woman. There's a four hour phone call from 3 am - 7 am and another 3 hour phone call in the middle of the night another time. I called the number, a woman answered. :(
Anwyay, it's been five years and I still cry all the time. ALL THE TIME. I want my old husband back (not the guy he has become) and I want my old life back. We were talking about finally having kids when he started his affair so here I am 40 years old and no children. I'm devastated about that. I see everyone on Facebook with their nice houses, family vacations, weekend trips to the mountains with their kids, etc., and I'm home alone in my house with a broken foot. I also don't have many friends and it's really started to make me feel miserable. Talk about having a pity party. I've put on 30 pounds since finding out about the affair because I'm depressed and eat my feelings. I'd like to date again so I'm not alone but I'm terrified and I've put on weight and feel horrible about myself. I just can't dig myself out of this mess. Does anyone have any advice. I'm so low. This weekend I actually wished I were dead. I would never kill myself but it wouldn't be such a bad thing if I got hit by a bus. I just want this pain to end. I still can't wrap my head around how my college sweetheart, someone who vowed to love me forever, can just throw me aside. He just threw his entire life away and I don't get it. I could never do that. He was not the type of person who would do that. What happened? I just wish I could unerstand and I wish I could stop hurting. Any help would be apprecaited. Thank you.
Therapy it helps so much to have validation
And support. Divorce care.org helps a lot
With the grieving and divorce process too.
Many of us here were/are in the same Boat it
just takes time to heal. I went no contact After
the divorce and moved it still is a struggle After
14 months.
You are dealing with a checked out spouse,
He had been emotionally detached and was
long Gone. That door to your old life is shut
tight. My ex has no remorse or concern for
me. HUGS
I would highly recommend you find a good therapist. Mine has made an incredible difference in my life. My first two sessions were spent crying. I went through all her kleenex and barely got 50 words out. Now, six months later, I am much stronger and happier. Friends have even noticed it. I went to Psychology Today's website and found my therapist there. They have a registry where you put in your zip code and get back all the licensed therapists in your area plus their profiles. I picked two that I liked the best and then had a brief chat with them over the phone. I immediately clicked with one and made an appointment.
A few sessions ago, my therapist said something to me that struck a huge nerve. She said, "No one would blame you for being angry and bitter after all you've been through in your life. You gave this man the best years of your life and he just spit on them." Immediately my head snapped up and I thought, "Hell NO! Those were not the best years of my life! I will make damn sure of that!" You have to make the same promise to yourself. They say a life well lived is the best revenge. I am beyond the point where I'm interested in revenge, but I am not going to give him the satisfaction of destroying me. Take the first step toward loving yourself by finding a good therapist. (((HUGS)))
We all get over relational trauma at different rates and in different ways. Everyone’s recovery time is different depending on your circumstances and who you are. But 5 years seems like an excessive duration. 6 months or a year or two is typical. If you’re crying regularly (every day) like you say, I would suggest researching and securing a good professional counselor. It could be that you may need some temporary medication to get your emotional status back level again. This is not uncommon, and counselors can prescribe that medication. There is no shame in seeing a counselor. You’d be surprised at the sheer numbers of people in all stations of life who do. I don’t know if you believe in God, but my faith in Him was vital in my healing process. I asked for help, and He said, “Yes”. Then everything began to change for me. And I’ve begun to understand what it was I was placed on earth to accomplish. Take care. I’ll be praying for you.
I don't know why your STBX cheated. As far as mine, I think it was an intimacy issue. As soon as he started having feeling, he had issues performing. Yes, right from the beginning. Yet, we still drug it on for four years—and added some more issues along the way for added pain! Sounds like you too, have been delaying the inevitable. I don't know about you, but for me I think it was due to my deep rooted codependency. I'm terrified of failure/rejection, and I live for helping others. It created a perfect environment for him to take advantage of my kindness and heart. I can't even blame him. I should haven't have allowed him to treat me that way—I used to be so strong and somewhere along the road I became a coward, afraid to speak my mind. I don't know if that sounds anything like you or not. If it does, I suggest Google-ing codependency. I found several great resources that I go back and read when I'm feeling weakness creep back in.
When does the pain stop? I don't know. I guess we're all different and patience is something we should learn with ourselves. Be kind with yourself. Hugs.
I'm 55 and starting anew. I had my only child at 40 -- he's been cheating on me for 12 years! He travels every week so I've been a single mom during the week. He blows in for the weekend; does his laundry and has some family time and is off again. I've been his bitch -- taking care of his child, his home, his dogs. We only do what he wants, never what I want. And I'm a strong woman; I was the breadwinner in the first years of our marriage. And yet, little by little I let my world get smaller over time. My daughter just started high school.. I figure I have four years to reinvent myself.
You have to say goodbye to your old life in order to open up to something new. You don't need to heal to move on -- you need to move on to heal.
Best wishes and hugs to you.