Answering the kids questions is so rough and difficult. My 12 yr old had known of my STBX relationship to the OW for over one year and kept it secret. It was a bit easier with her. My 10 yr old adored her dad.

At the end of the day though, under no circumstances bad mouth the other parent no matter how hard. It only makes things worse between you and your kids.

It has taken a lot of self will and discipline--I have faltered now and then--however, I really am taking a long term view on my relationship with my children--knowing that one day they will be adults.

My 12 year old daughter even asked me a few months ago ''why I am not like her other friends moms who are divorced and speak terribly about the dad.'' I told her that I have worked very hard on myself, worked on forgiving dad and accepted my own fault in the marriage. That I recognise none of this situation has been easy on her or her siblings and the very least that I can do is NOT speak badly about dad. Their relationship with him is their own and I have no right to interfere in that.

At that moment in time, I realised that I had absolutely done the right thing.

I would just leave it at ''this is grown up stuff that does not concern you. I love you. Dad loves you. I know this is really tough.''

I have also faltered now and then cause sometimes I just want to sceam that it was their father's fault, his mistake not mine but I also hold my mouth shut. They also love their father more than anything and I dont wan't to interfere in their relationship. I'm always reminding them how much we both love them it's just sometimes my oldest, 10 yr old, is like the inquisition with all this questions that he wants answered. Thanks for the insight is nice to know I'm not the only one!

No you are not alone. It's good that they live hi
.
My sons are older and I didnt need to explain anything to them as they saw it and understood it and refuse to speak to f
Him still after 5 months

My opinion goes against conventional wisdom. I believe in telling kids the truth. (Although I really wouldn't do this until you can be very controled emotionally talking about it.)

That said. It's important that the kids know that it's OK to still love each of it. AND that they'll have times of loving and hating both their dad and me (we both still say no to them after all).

It's been 3 years now, and both my kids are doing well.

Patti has a good point. I think it depends on the age and the emotional maturity of the kids. Mine know he had an affair--they do not know there have been more and they have at least 2 siblings they do not know about!

They know he ran up a huge debt because I refused to take the full blame for our financial situation last year when I barely had enough money to get by monthly. When the 10 year old said ''I do not understand, if you did not create this, then why is it affecting you so much?'' To that I explained credit and my credit rating and that life is not always fair. I have learned my lesson and I will never find myself in this situation again.

I could have gone on and on about how their dad has always been irresponsible, how I can't count on him, etc. I drew the line.

I do not cover for him.

My kids were 5 and 7 when my ex left, they're 9 and 11 now (where HAS the time gone). I just couldn't lie to my kids. And I think withholding truth is lying. My kdis will be teenagers sooner than I'll wish and if they kept some truth from me.....I wouldn't be happy.

BUT once my ex left, before the divorce was even final, I started thinking that their feelings took precidence when it came to their father. So for example, they could come home and complain, and I NEVER called their dad. They could love him one day, and complain the next. I gave them advice as I could, but reliaze that I was essentially sending them out on their own. Their judgment...good AND bad...would have to do.

I'm the steady rock they come home to.

And my kids are both doing OK. Much better than before the divorce anyway.

Its tough with kids.

My son was 5 when we left. He will be 10 tomorrow. I cant and wont lie to him, and his father knows that too. i gave him what he could handle emotionally, spiritually and intellectually at the time.

When we first left and would make comments and question things, I told him that it takes 2 people to love each other to make a marriage work. He understood this right away as he knew his experiences and what he saw go on in our household. His 5 yr old mentality would say things like "Why is daddy so mean?" "why does daddy want to hurt you?" "He was never nice to you anyway,mom"

Hearing this broke my heart. BUT, it was also confirmation that I did the right thing by getting out.

My son would go 6 to 8 months without hearing from his dad...and then ask "Is daddy deployed again? He doesnt talk to us" Ugh. then I had to explain that no, he wasnt. I left it at that, and he didnt push on.

His world crashed in a little more this year. At 9 1/2 he flat out asked why we got divorced. I couldnt lie. We had a long talk about alcoholism. He cried and cried...he said he was in shock and never expected me to respond with that. I talked about it with him in a loving and compassionate way. I told him that i made mistakes in my reactions to things and I was very sorry. We talked about Alanon and Alateen, and AA. He asked a lot of questions, yet at the same time..you could see a weight lifted off his shoulders..a relief that he had an answer. We did NOT discuss infidelity, or the fact that he created another child with another woman... that will come in time, i am sure...although I dont know if i can or ever will tell him that part of it.

Kids are smart...and observant. They figure things out on their own in time. But when it comes to answers, I also believe the deserve to know the truth. I think its about finding the balance between truth and doing it without demonizing the ex.

I taught elementary school for years... I saw so many children damaged by divorce and battling parents. They are caught in the middle with no choice... Ive seen the hurt in them when parents want to hurt each other intentionally and I refuse to do that. But, thats just me.

I'm sorry that you have to give the news yourself. But you are correct in making sure, no matter what, no matter how hard it is, DO NOT bad mouth him(outloud :)) to them.

My girls were 18, 14, 14. Much older than many here. In the beginning they asked very little. We simply told them it wasn't working, this is how things were going to happen and this is how life will be from now on. And surprisingly they pretty much accepted it after a few tears from each.

8 months later now, they have started to see the "why's" themselves. They bring it up to me because they dont understand somethings. They are basically calling him on his BS but I make sure I do not go off about him. Lately, I have been saying alot of, "I don't understand it either baby, those are his decisions" and they pretty much nod and understand (he's an idiot). But they love their Daddy and also accept hiim for who he is.

I don't know how I have gotten so lucky in the sense of the kids and their ability to just keep moving forward from all of this, especially since they have known nothing other than a complete family. But they appear to be happy and thriving still so I'm just going with it.

I will not go into details with them about the why's but I most certainly will not lie nor cover for his a$$ either.

(hugs)

I told them things between mom and dad weren't working and just like whiskey that things were going to happen and this is how life will be from now on. They cried a little bit and accepted it, just a few weeks later, my oldest which is 10, have been asking more questions, I try to answer them as best as I can, I won't discuss infidelity and just like patti I am their rock and solace. You are all really strong ladies...and they said that women are the weak sex!!!! We rock!!!!