Hi New2this,

I'm so sorry you're hurting. Many of us have dealt with the partner or spouse who checked out long before we knew anything about their unhappiness. It really does hurt. It's called "blindsiding" because you are literally slapped upside the head with the sudden change.

It leave you reeling because you think that you could have done something to prevent this from happening. Let me assure you that, chances are, there was probably nothing you could have done. Usually the person who wants to end the relationship has made that decision a long time ago. They just forgot to clue you in.

I know how much this hurts. My ex cheated on me through our entire 28 year marriage. I only knew of two of the affairs. He recently admitted to many more. In the beginning I often said as well, "I wish I would have known he was unhappy." But I now realize there would have been nothing I could have done. The unhappiness lives in them.

I know you won't see it now, but look at it this way: your guy dumped you the minute things were not blissful. The minute life got tough, he bailed on you. Is this really someone you want in your life? What if you had a serious or terminal illness? Would this guy be there for you?

Unfortunately, many people want that feeling of euphoria that new love brings (science tells us it literally is a physical feeling caused by hormonal changes). Once a couple settles into the day-to-day routine of life, that euphoria wears off. Many people leave relationships at this point. They're always looking for that "high" new love brings.

I don't know if this helps or not, but I just wanted to let you know that someone here does care about you.

Keep talking to us here. Sending loads of healing hugs to you.

i am so sorry you are going thru this. that really hurts. i think a lot of times the person who is leaving has had a longer time to process things than the receiving person- so we are left like "huh?" and they have already resolved it. its not fair and its very painful. i am glad you found this support here - keep reaching out. take gentle care of you.

this doesn't sound like it has anything to do with you. it sounds like other areas of his life are so trying for him right now that he is traumatized inside. a traumatized person is not going to be able to tap into their high end relationship romantic side.

maybe in order for him to survive and adapt to his military demands, you have to be set aside.

find a man who does not have such harsh things to deal with. find a man whose professional side is not so demanding and has a lot left at the end of the day for his love life.

i'm sorry that this has all happened for you.

I feel soooo sorry for u 2. I am going through heartbreak too and it is not easy dealing with all the bad feelings, tears, loneiness, and hopelessness. In one way I feel at least your man had the guts to tell you, even if he thought about it for 3 mo. I had to catch mine cheating and he told me the affair was going on 3 yrs BUT i don't believe that. [thats another story] we were married 25 yrs so like you , from bliss to hell in one day is unexplainable ! my heart almost stopped beating, I felt like something inside me like a fog was lifting, I just froze, my brain worked in slow motion, the pain just paralized me,BUT I did go on. 11 mo later i still think of him everyday, and cannot believe oue marriage is over but me being by myself proves yea life goes on.I wont lie and say I am not still grieving, because i am having a hard time. He certainly do not deserve my tears but my heart just dont listen. SOME men can be such losers, to hurt us so bad but we are not alone in this troubled area.Alot of DS members are suffering like us and looking for answers too.If he wants out I think letting him go is the best thing. Mine tried to come back after 5 weeks but as bad as I felt my heart could not take back a cheater.I guess because your H told you he wanted to break up seems better than me catching mine but we both know a broken heart is still a broken heart.I hope you heal quickley and know that you cannot change someone elses mind.If you are able too than you will always wonder if that what was supposed to happen.I never thought a broken heart could hurt so much and keeping up appearances is a real downer but we can only express so much sadness and people want us to snap out of it. Easier said than done but new2this2 you will get through it because so many before us has already did and many more will have to go through it yet..Not much advice on how to deal with it but knowing alot here feel your pain should let you know we all care so very much. Hang in there and big hugs 2 u....

Thank you all for the warm thoughts and kind words. I actually had a full nights sleep last night and feel like I'm slowly climbing out of my hole. The one constant in my life is my kids and I'm putting my focus on them to make sure they are happy and safe. I'm taking our lives in a whole new direction and we'll see how that goes.
As for my husband, I am giving him the space and letting him focus on what he needs to to get through the incredible pressure he is under. One of you mentioned that he is probably detached emotionally so he can focus on his work. That is very true. The horrible part is he joined the Army for me and the kids. Funny how that was what broke us apart. I did talk to him for a very brief period and he was under the impression that this would make his stress less and can't understand why he feels worse. Men are such goofy creatures! I know he's doing this because of stress and when that stress ends in 3 more months he may think differently or he may not. If he does I doubt I could make a go of it again knowing that when the next crises arises he could just turn tail and run again. So sad when two people are so unbelievably compatible and one just doesn't have the strength to keep his feet firmly planted on earth.

There is quite an age differance between the two of you, isn't there? I ask this since he recently joined the army.
Do you suppose army life has made him more self sufficent albiet no more mature? Have you talked about what has happened and why?
Sad to say, but you can't "fight" for your relationship with someone.The more you try the worse things get.
If he has faced a lot of stress, you should be the one he can find solace in. Whether that is the case is something that may have a bearing on the situation. I suggest try to find out if you can help in that respect. If you can't, trying to fix things may just add to his stress.

There is an 11 year age difference. The "job" he's training for is at the top level of security in intelligence. He's one of those super brilliant people who just aren't up with the rest of us emotionally. I always thought of that as one of his more enduring qualities. I've always found it hard to find a man who can keep up with me in the mentality department. I need a deep thinker and someone who can talk about everything and anything. He fit that bill. He's also extremely affectionate, as am I. He's also the type of person to always do the right thing and put others before himself. He was a cop for 10 years and from what I hear an exceptional one. I'm slowly learning that the one thing he really sucks at is dealing with stress. He's in the most stressful course you can take in the Army. They start this 6 month course with 20 students and usually end up with 6. He's at the top of his class and has the highest score after 3 months that anyone has had. He's a perfectionist. All this adds to the fact that he is putting everything he has into what he is doing and I believe he just doesn't have anything left. I think he's cut off his emotions so he can get through this. I've heard people say people in high stress intelligence positions and special ops often have a hard time having a family because their assignments take everything in them to get through what they do. This is someone who was so head over heals in love when he went in and then when he was here for 2 weeks said he didn't feel the spark. Well when you're emotions are cut off you don't feel much of anything now do you? :)

He graduates in 3 months. Our two boys and I are living with my Mom at the moment, since I put everything in storage and have rented out my home thinking we were moving to Maryland in February. Now I'm just trying to figure out what to do. I'm not sure if this is a temp thing with him or he's always be under this much stress. All I know is the love of my life isn't feeling the love anymore.