i think that can happen... i do. but honestly i think that occurs ONLY after a period of no contact. if contact remains the same, behavior remains the same.

if there is no contact, and someone is inspired to read a book, or see therapist.. or make changes in order to get someone back. I think there is hope.

if you continue to allow someone the luxury of comfort daily, they won't hit "bottom" and heal/grow/change. IMO

Hugs to you

We did th eno-contact for a little time. I started joing a gym.... And seeing a therapist to help me with alll of this. I do not ever call him, but he seems to be different towards me in the last week. He did state to me a couple of months ago that he met a "friend". And in the last week, he conitnues to tell me that, that's all she was, and he doesnt talk to her. Whether I believe him or not, we have been sperated for 3 years, and I have friends that I talk to, so I would not be the type that would throw stones. I do not sleep with these friends, but I do have male friends that also have helped me through this. I don't want to read to much into it, just taking it one day at a time. Just curious if anyone else has had someone show you that maby they can change

In my opinion, a man doesn't stay gone for three years if he wants a woman. It's bad that you chose to stay in limbo about this and dissect it. Is like you are hanging on to all he says and does but at the end of the day, he's been gone for three years. Whether he has a friend or not wouldn't even be relevant to me, what I would look at is that in three years he's talking but not coming back. If I was you I would openly ask him does he want to come back so that after his answer you got all the clarity you need to move on or work on getting back together, one or the other but the limbo thing sounds crazy for such a long time.

After we hit a certain age, all the calling, texting, mix signals, etc, etc, isn't what we need - that sounds like teens - they do that. We either want to be with someone or we don't. I wouldn't even attach anything to midlife crisis or the many other reasons you can find - I would simply ask him, "does he want to come back yes or no" and from there on I would finally move on with my life.

Life is entirely too precious to live it in an uncertain way for three years over another person - he has too much power over you and the crazy thing - he has kept this power simply by calling you and sending mix signals. Get the clarity you need so that it can give you the impulse you need. Can love find it's way back after 3 years? It's possible, but ask him directly if he wants to find his way back to you - it takes two.

Best wishes.

Durng my three year journey I have found that the father of my children will suddenly reach out and want to catch up, starts with texts, calls, wants to chat at pick up and drop when he is hurting.

After having been married for so long, I think when he is in turmoil he comes to me for support because he has no one else.

At first I would wonder if he had made a mistake and wanted to come back (for the record I never would have taken him back) but I realized he needed to vent.

And I was his person, I have always been his sounding board.

Now because we get along pretty well, we can sit and chat on the porch when he picks them up. But I have told him that he has to find someone else, that I can't be his support system

I think that some couples can repair a broken relationship but BOTH parties have to be willing to do absolutely whatever it takes to make that happen.
I also don't see anything wrong with telling him to leave your alone so you can heal. It's not mean or selfish to take care of yourself...it's essential. You are the mom...that makes it even more important that you take care of yourself. Not only do you need to take care of you so that you can be the best mom possible, you also want to set a healthy example for your kids and self-care is healthy.
I also think setting boundaries is healthy in any relationship and again, that's not selfish. It can actually strengthen your relationship because when there are boundaries and they are respected (and they aren't respected, enforced) it can help diminish conflict, resentment and anger. We teach people how to treat us.
I wouldn't read anything into his behavior other than he's reaching out for what's familiar and comfortable. He left. If he wants to come back, then he is the one that needs to work for it to make it happen. If my ex weren't willing to get some individual then couples counseling, there would be no consideration of working it out. He needs to work through and resolve whatever got him to the point of leaving before either of you should consider couples counseling to work it out. However, counseling together might also be a good way to help resolve some of the loose ends for you and give you some closure to the relationship.
For now, I would set boundaries such as the only thing you two need to talk about is the kids. He chose not to stay in the marriage so he shouldn't have the emotional benefits of having a wife. To me, this is one of those "be careful what you ask for because you just might get it things." That may sound vindictive, but it's not. I see it as setting boundaries and teaching him that you aren't going to be at his beck and call or just be there when it's convenient for him without getting the benefits of a husband (help with the kids and house, being there for you, etc.)
It's hard and confusing and I'm so sorry you're going through this. You've been so strong, I know you'll make the right decision here, too. Hugs!

sorry i misunderstood. I thought you were recently separated from a 3yr relationship.

Men and women communicate differently. We tend to analyze everything thing read into things while they are more casual. Obviously I don't your history together and what his true intentions are, but from my personal experience, they usually want to maintain some type of friendship and an open door so they can work their way back into the picture. My thing is if it didn't work out once, the odds are against you that it will work out again. Hurt me once shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me. Take care of you.

I appreciate the support. Trust me... I have accepted that we both made mistakes, and that our relationship is over. But at times I see and hear glimses of the man I use to know. And I wonder if he and I have changed enough in the last 3 years to make it work. As confusing as it is..... Like my therapist says to me- The train has left the station. If he wants to come back in my life and make it work, it would be up to him. I just wonder if that is what he is up too... I am still going forward, and taking care of myself... Going to therapy weekly, and the gym daily. I guess if he is meant to be in my life, than he will be, and if not, than he won't.

from several of your posts about this man and about this relationship, i think it would be wise to take the possibility out of your mind and off the table. sorry because i'm sure you don't want to hear that, and I'm not trying to be mean. but when you say you "wonder what he is up to" and you "wonder if he and I have changed enough in the last 3 years to make it work." it just sounds like you are stuck, and like you are keeping the door open a crack. but from your story you have told, it just doesnt sound like a healthy relationship, and you deserve more. you deserve not to have to put your life on hold for someone while he figures it out. where you say "I guess if he is meant to be in my life, than he will be, and if not, than he won't." well, i'd offer up the perspective that, he's had well past long enough to decide to be in your life, fully, and in the way you deserve. he's gonna keep you on the hook if he can, because it keeps him from ever really facing being alone. that's not fair to you. honestly, "what do you do when your ex is always reaching out?" you cut ALL ties. you change every number, every email, you really truly go no contact and move on with your life. all of us here who have gone total NC know the struggle first hand. but if you really want to move forward and have the life you deserve, that's the way to go, for the foreseeable future. at least until you are not still entertaining the idea of getting back into a relationship with him. 3 years is a long time to be in limbo. you deserve to get to move on.

I have read your posts on here as well and I have to agree with happymama 3years is a long time to be in limbo. I think you are reading too much into it. You haven't healed yet and for whatever reason he seems to want to keep you on the hook.
You deserve better. You deserve someone that won't play with your feelings, that is not the sign of someone who loves you, that is the sign of a selfish person not allowing you to move on. You get past the hurt by going no contact and learning to be happy by yourself for yourself. Good luck and be strong....

Mine contacts me about every 2 weeks.Usually, he's only asking how my job hunt is going. When I have asked him, nicely, why-he says he just wants to make sure I am ok.

(Well, hell no, I'm not ok. You crapped all over my life and while you are all happy happy running around with #4, I'm on meds, in therapy, and stil can barely function, you Jackass. And if I'm NOT ok, what difference does it make to you?)

BUT, there have been a couple of texts when it was obvious he wanted to come over for sex. Wanted me To send him an erotic pic, etc. Nope, nevergonnahappen. I think he wants to keep his little toe in the door in case things don't work out with #4.

Wow, MillieJay, spot on advice. Couldn't agree more.

As another person said, Brittany, this behavior isn't a sign of love, it's a sign of someone wanting to keep you on the hook. It's saying, 'I'm going to do just enough to keep you in emotional limbo so you can't move on, but I don't want a relationship with you.' It's so selfish, and so often confused with caring or love. It's not either one of those. May I ask why you've been separated for three years? Seems like a long time, and that someone would've pushed for divorce by now. Just curious.

It's your life, stop letting him control your emotions. It's not 'up to him' to make a decision about your relationship. It's up to you. If he hasn't made a decision in three years, it's time for you to make your own, and my best advice to you would be to cut contact and move on. No contact is the only way to heal.