I know you asked the men, but I just don't understand why you think you can, should or ever will change him. Are you really just waiting for *HIM* to change???

And when do they accept responsibility??? Maybe never. Its their call.

yep just him, he has alot of bitterness and anger inside of him, and i do all in my power to understand and be supportive and i treat him very well like i always have, sure I've made mistakes many times and i accept my faults and apollogise when it is my fault....even if i feel im at no fault at all i still apollogise for what happens between usI'm in councilling as well for any issues i need work on. I always let go of the past and forgive instantly and move forward. If i am failing in a part of my life i ask for advice from others and I accept corrective critisism, but my H doesn't. I am just loving him as my vows require for better or worse. This is rock bottom and i will honor my vows just wish he'd see from my veiw and seek counseling for his anger.

Can't make him do anything. Frankly, if someone kept trying to "change* me, id be irritated too. Maybe the men have a different take on this.

You *CAN* go on with your life and be happy. If he sees you going forward and being happy, he may *WANT* to come along. If not, his choice.

Also not a man, but yep--you shouldn't ever want or expect to change anyone. You can support them when they make the decision to change--but they have to get to that point.
In my experience, they don't accept the blame. They have decided in their mind that they're in the right--no matter how wrongly they acted--and nothing will change that, either.
Sorry.
(((((brokenvessel)))))

.....I'm just I never thought about her taking responsibility for what has happen, I immediately assumed the blame and have been working to become a better person.
My thoughts on that is I'm not going to hold my breathe and have her come to me apologizing for what she did...I would be only robbing myself of precious time ...I hope that helps :)

i remember the phase i went thru of "i really think he is going to hold himself accountable for something instead of blaming everyone else besides himself"

that was a fun phase. i got to pretend that i could actually change someone, that i could show him example after example of how he was wrong and think it was going to enlighten him to change, and then i would actually sit back and wonder "gosh - ive done all these things - i know he knows. he knows i know. and yet he still isnt changing" - it was so puzzling to me.

then, a friend enlightened me. she said "he isnt going to change. its going to continue to be the same until you decide to change".

and you know what? she was right. i decided to change. and here i am. divorced. and you know what else? he STILL hasnt changed. he is still the same matt. still blaming everyone else besides himself.

so in answer to your question of how much longer will it take before he sees the problem and corrects it - i will ask you a question - how long are you willing to accept his behavior and realize he isnt going to change - that you are the one that needs to change?

best of luck.

doncha just love those girlfriends?

:)

my best friend sat me down one day and said "he's been this way long enough, it's time you realized this is who he is...he hasn't changed yet, he isn't going to change so really, you have 2 choices -- accept him the way he is and learn to be satisfied with it (are you freaking kidding me????) -- or -- walk away".

It took another few months for those words to sink in. It's a variation on what ILR is saying, but the bottomline is, banging your head against a brick wall does only one thing, creates fractures in your own skull, nothing happens to the wall.

thanks for the replies everyone. I don't try to change, i gave that up long ago. I do accept him and love him better or worse, all i ask is for him to make time for me and him and for him to see things the way i do. I've made lots of changes for him and myself and I've always been the one who makes changes when he adresses them...he just won't do the things that matter for me and he feels attacked when i ask these things of him.....I just want to be his #1 as he is for me.....it used to be that way and I miss that man soo much

well, i guess if you arent going to change then the only option is to accept him for who he is and be happy with it.

i just wonder why you posted about this to begin with if you are completely happy and accepting of him.

by the way - you cant make someone see something the way you do. even if you explain it in the greatest of detail, draw a picture, or show them thru actions they are still going to see it from their perspective.

you deserve more than this. best of luck.

they wont. ever. forget it.

I agree 100 percent with what everyone wrote here. Its all SO true

I can also relate completely to the idea that "he will one day see things the way I do".

..but one morning, I realized that he never will. And it was over forever from that day on...

One more thought that you may not yet be ready hear. Your h may indeed have a problem, a flawed way of thinking, a character defect. But it is completely possible that two people may behave in a certain way with each other because of a very particular dynamic created between them as a result of their particular interaction in a particular place in a particular time in their life.

But you and he may not act that way with a different partner who might bring out totally different qualities in each of you.

I am not trying to blame you. I really am not. I just want to open the possibility that two people seeing things differently and even prioritizing each other differently is not necessarily something that can or should be fixed...but simply be evidence that you as a couple are incompatible on the most fundamental essential levels and as such...you need to be with different partners so that you both can be your full self.