Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi there, I'm looking for a little strength. My DH and I have been together about 20 years (married 15). We have a DS 11 and a DD 9.
We have had a lot of ups and downs... in the 5 years dating he left me 3 times... first he cheated on me with another girl about a year into our relationship... after getting past that, he left at year 2 to pursue a business venture and moved to a different state. He didn't talk it over with me... it was more of a hey I'm moving in a week and if you want to come great, but I'm doing this no matter what... we were living together at the time and there was no discussion about what that meant for me... he was just doing it regardless. I ended up following him to the other state and then at year 3 he decided that he didn't know if he ever wanted to get married or have kids, and he left again... same as before, no regard as to how I was going to support myself... he just left.
He came back a few weeks later with an epiphany... it isn't that he didn't want to get married or have kids ever, just not right away... and he proposed... yes, I was stupid and looked past the signs and agreed to marry him. We waited 2 years to get married - I wanted to be sure...
We planned our first child 2 years into the marriage... but although we planned, when we had my DS my husband started drinking and going out regularly... we tried working through it, but when I became pregnant with daughter 2 years later, he broke... and at 8 month pregnant - 10 years into our relationship... he left me. He just rolled over in bed one night and said, I think that we should separate... I don't love you... I don't think I ever really loved you and I'm leaving tomorrow. Come to find out he was have a long distance emotional affair with a high school sweet heart. After a month and a week before I gave birth, a night he spent in jail for a DUI and a day before I filed for divorce, he came back and decided he wanted to work it out.
it was okay at first and we were able to work it out, but about 5 years into it he suffered severe depression... that SOME HOW... only impacted him at home, because at work he was always thriving and on top of his game.
These last 5 years have been very difficult... afraid he would leave again (that's my thing I fear the most abandonment)... I did everything I possibly could to make things work and took on everything that seemed to difficult for him. I did EVERYTHING for the house... the kids... the dog... the bills.. and I work ad very complex more than full time job AND finished my master's... and all the while he just sat on the couch.
He started to abuse Xanax and it came to a head this august when he took too many and passed out on the couch when he was supposed to be taking care of the kids. they had to shake him awake to feed them and I ended up putting them to bed and taking care of them because he couldn't. I lost it and we had a huge fight... He's seeing a psychiatrist and we talked to him... thought we had worked on a plan on how to work things out better in our relationship... but in the 20 minute car ride home... he said I think we should separate... he told me that he didn't love me... wasn't passionate about me... we haven't been intimate in about 5 years... and that he's not passionate about me or what I think we have...
separation QUICKLY turned in to divorce and in the time he launched this bombshell it was 2 months later and we told the kids, he took all his stuff and moved out... I had to refinance the house in my name, get all my own accounts and buy nearly all new furniture.
This process had been a LONG time coming and although I would have stuck it out I was relieved that it was happening... I had thought about it for a long time but I wanted to work it out... but I just couldn't do it because it was literally all one sided...
During the 2 months when he was living in the basement preparing to leave everything was amicable... we really were trying to maintain our friendship and keep a game face on for the kids. It was working out okay...
Then... just like last time... the day before I was filing for the divorce - two weeks after he moved out, he changed his tune... he missed me, he wanted to come home. He regretted his decision... I'm his world... I'm his everything... he's so sorry he ruined our lives. He doesn't want a divorce. Even though the two months where he lived in the basement he wasn't sorry at all... I even asked him during the time he was in the basement if he regretted his decision to leave and he said no...no suddenly he is??? sounds like life outside of me was a little too hard...
We are going to marriage counseling, but we have only gone twice in 3 months... I just can't do it... I have so much anxiety and mistrust for him. It isn't like he is beating me or cheating on me... although he has done that in the past (cheating)... I feel like I'm a bad person for not seeing that he made a mistake...I feel very guilty now that I'm the one who feels like I don't want to reconcile. However I'm afraid that if he comes back that in a few years he'll do it again when things get too hard.
In the last 5 years of our relationship, it got to the point that he literally sat on the couch, slept until 2 in the afternoon on weekends, and mowed the lawn... that's it. The kids couldn't have people over because he said he hated people...we rarely went anywhere because he hated people... I couldn't go anywhere because it was too much stress on him... the kids couldn't spend the night without him demanding that the next weekend no one did anything because it was just too much...
Now, in the three months he's been gone, he's changed... he dropped 30 pounds... he said he's eating much better... he's exercising... he's going out with friends and he's a MUCH more involved father when he has the kids every other weekend... he talks to his family - which he never did before... everyone had to go through me... and just yesterday he went to volunteer at a food bank for 6 hours...
However, if you remember in my story earlier... he was able to maintain this kind of change for a few years, and then it went back to where it was...
I worry that my decision to file for divorce is the wrong one... is it worse for the kids... in 10 years will we be back to where we were? I'm 38 now, I don't want to look back at 48 and regret my decision. I'm at a cross roads and I'm not sure what to do. If I do go back I'm afraid I will ALWAYS be waiting for him to leave again... I don't trust that any of this is genuine... He will ALWAYS have depression...which is what he has blamed his behavior on all these years...
He says that he's found a good medication that helps and he's a changed man... I feel guilty for not giving him another chance... but at the same time I feel like I would be giving up my happiness and sense of security for his happiness and a part of me says that I can't do that any more. I can't sacrifice myself for him any longer... HELP!! any insight would be appreciated
We have had a lot of ups and downs... in the 5 years dating he left me 3 times... first he cheated on me with another girl about a year into our relationship... after getting past that, he left at year 2 to pursue a business venture and moved to a different state. He didn't talk it over with me... it was more of a hey I'm moving in a week and if you want to come great, but I'm doing this no matter what... we were living together at the time and there was no discussion about what that meant for me... he was just doing it regardless. I ended up following him to the other state and then at year 3 he decided that he didn't know if he ever wanted to get married or have kids, and he left again... same as before, no regard as to how I was going to support myself... he just left.
He came back a few weeks later with an epiphany... it isn't that he didn't want to get married or have kids ever, just not right away... and he proposed... yes, I was stupid and looked past the signs and agreed to marry him. We waited 2 years to get married - I wanted to be sure...
We planned our first child 2 years into the marriage... but although we planned, when we had my DS my husband started drinking and going out regularly... we tried working through it, but when I became pregnant with daughter 2 years later, he broke... and at 8 month pregnant - 10 years into our relationship... he left me. He just rolled over in bed one night and said, I think that we should separate... I don't love you... I don't think I ever really loved you and I'm leaving tomorrow. Come to find out he was have a long distance emotional affair with a high school sweet heart. After a month and a week before I gave birth, a night he spent in jail for a DUI and a day before I filed for divorce, he came back and decided he wanted to work it out.
it was okay at first and we were able to work it out, but about 5 years into it he suffered severe depression... that SOME HOW... only impacted him at home, because at work he was always thriving and on top of his game.
These last 5 years have been very difficult... afraid he would leave again (that's my thing I fear the most abandonment)... I did everything I possibly could to make things work and took on everything that seemed to difficult for him. I did EVERYTHING for the house... the kids... the dog... the bills.. and I work ad very complex more than full time job AND finished my master's... and all the while he just sat on the couch.
He started to abuse Xanax and it came to a head this august when he took too many and passed out on the couch when he was supposed to be taking care of the kids. they had to shake him awake to feed them and I ended up putting them to bed and taking care of them because he couldn't. I lost it and we had a huge fight... He's seeing a psychiatrist and we talked to him... thought we had worked on a plan on how to work things out better in our relationship... but in the 20 minute car ride home... he said I think we should separate... he told me that he didn't love me... wasn't passionate about me... we haven't been intimate in about 5 years... and that he's not passionate about me or what I think we have...
separation QUICKLY turned in to divorce and in the time he launched this bombshell it was 2 months later and we told the kids, he took all his stuff and moved out... I had to refinance the house in my name, get all my own accounts and buy nearly all new furniture.
This process had been a LONG time coming and although I would have stuck it out I was relieved that it was happening... I had thought about it for a long time but I wanted to work it out... but I just couldn't do it because it was literally all one sided...
During the 2 months when he was living in the basement preparing to leave everything was amicable... we really were trying to maintain our friendship and keep a game face on for the kids. It was working out okay...
Then... just like last time... the day before I was filing for the divorce - two weeks after he moved out, he changed his tune... he missed me, he wanted to come home. He regretted his decision... I'm his world... I'm his everything... he's so sorry he ruined our lives. He doesn't want a divorce. Even though the two months where he lived in the basement he wasn't sorry at all... I even asked him during the time he was in the basement if he regretted his decision to leave and he said no...no suddenly he is??? sounds like life outside of me was a little too hard...
We are going to marriage counseling, but we have only gone twice in 3 months... I just can't do it... I have so much anxiety and mistrust for him. It isn't like he is beating me or cheating on me... although he has done that in the past (cheating)... I feel like I'm a bad person for not seeing that he made a mistake...I feel very guilty now that I'm the one who feels like I don't want to reconcile. However I'm afraid that if he comes back that in a few years he'll do it again when things get too hard.
In the last 5 years of our relationship, it got to the point that he literally sat on the couch, slept until 2 in the afternoon on weekends, and mowed the lawn... that's it. The kids couldn't have people over because he said he hated people...we rarely went anywhere because he hated people... I couldn't go anywhere because it was too much stress on him... the kids couldn't spend the night without him demanding that the next weekend no one did anything because it was just too much...
Now, in the three months he's been gone, he's changed... he dropped 30 pounds... he said he's eating much better... he's exercising... he's going out with friends and he's a MUCH more involved father when he has the kids every other weekend... he talks to his family - which he never did before... everyone had to go through me... and just yesterday he went to volunteer at a food bank for 6 hours...
However, if you remember in my story earlier... he was able to maintain this kind of change for a few years, and then it went back to where it was...
I worry that my decision to file for divorce is the wrong one... is it worse for the kids... in 10 years will we be back to where we were? I'm 38 now, I don't want to look back at 48 and regret my decision. I'm at a cross roads and I'm not sure what to do. If I do go back I'm afraid I will ALWAYS be waiting for him to leave again... I don't trust that any of this is genuine... He will ALWAYS have depression...which is what he has blamed his behavior on all these years...
He says that he's found a good medication that helps and he's a changed man... I feel guilty for not giving him another chance... but at the same time I feel like I would be giving up my happiness and sense of security for his happiness and a part of me says that I can't do that any more. I can't sacrifice myself for him any longer... HELP!! any insight would be appreciated
I came across the below website through another support group like this one. While I haven't found all of the writings completely applicable, the writer has a particular way of throwing some hard truths at those of us who fall for a few particular types of partners. It's helped ground me a bit, so maybe it could help someone here -
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/list-of-posts/
But when is enough enough? When do I say your pattern isn't breaking and I'm done being jerked around? I may not be a 10 but I make more money than he does and I do EVERYTHING!! How could he even say it was so hard that he had to leave??? He wasn't even doing anything to save the relationship... only I was >=o(
Anyway I appreciate the feedback I guess in a way I needed validation that I wasn't being selfish and that I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that's the way a wife should be treated..
Thank you