whoever is closest to you, open up completely to them and let it all out. from there, only open up to the level that you are comfortable with.

but, we all have to have at least one person who we can be completely open with.

the one who threw in the towel, unless it was for really good reasons, is the one that failed. not the one who was still willing to try. but, most of the time they will try to unfairly blame the one they abandoned.

I compleatly agree with Faithful on this one. Start small and then work your way out to only people you trust. I think maybe you should also think about why you feel shame. There is no shame in being left behind or wanting things to work out. There is only shame in giving up or leaving without at least trying to make it work. IPeople can play the blame game all day long, but in the end they trully know who is responcible for the outcome of the relationship.

There is no shame in leaving a broken/unrepairable relationship either. We can only do so much to fix whats wrong and if someone else dosent want to make it work then why waist your life being misserable when yoiu only have one and it is a short one at that.

Best of luck and please dont beat yourself up over this. You tried , but you cant do it alone and it is not your failure.

50% of marriages end in divorce. It's easy to pretend it doesn't apply to us but it does and contrary to what people sometimes think, it takes 1 to divorce, not 2. I guess I am just saying that you don't have a shameful secret - you had something happen to you that happens to half of ever married couple. And it's not something you did. If we're healthy, we go back and see what we could have done to contribute to problems, but in the end, 1 person decides to go and there isn't much the other person can do about it. Everyone presents a happy face to the outside world, but I think you'll be surprised how many people open up with their own set of issues if you talk to them about what you are going through. Try to avoid isolating from everyone because you don't need to be ashamed.

manipulating partners will almost always be the one who leaves or do something so bad that they get thrown out. be careful to only accept the blame in the amount that you were really responsible for.

my ex has a very nice game that works for her. she portrays herself as being feminine and just the support person. that way, she tries to weasel out of the woman's job of being a true equal. when the man tires of carrying her, she blames him and then moves on to find her next victim.

so, try to stand back and see the big picture so that you don't put all of the blame on yourself. it wasn't your job to be her hero or to rescue her. women are supposed to be doing that themselves before they even start seriously looking to settle down with a man.

a man's job is to be responsible and to be devoted according to our comfort levels. if we do that, our women are supposed to be content and work with what they have with their men.

Had the same issue for the longest time. Didn't tell my parents, then eventually told them. Didn't want to be around family either. Broke that barrier a couple months ago. Like you said, it feels shameful, in some respect that you failed. What embarrassed me the most was, when you meet my family, that's as inner circle as you get with me. I still have a grandmother living which they met briefly, and I just felt violated. My uncle pulled me aside, and said, "Don't give it a second thought, family is like an old dog, it ain't goin' anywhere, and will always be there for you." I knew it all along, but just didn't FEEL it. It was nice to have that reinforcement from him though.

I also agree with the first and second reply.

I feel the shame too, but we should not feel it. The people who gave up with no effort at all should be shameful. Unfortunatlly this is how it feels to be abandoned.

We will get through this, and be stronger than we ever thought we would be. We will also learn to love again. It will be a deeper and more healthy love.

Hang in there and make sure you dont bottle it all up. This site is a very good start.

the abandoned feelings are some of the first feelings that a person has in the long healing after a breakup. but, eventually, we start seeing a bigger picture and some of the other things.

for example, some people see love as kind of a means toward an end. they look for love so that someone will take care of them and meet their needs. they are almost like children. when they don't get their way, they leave to latch onto someone else.

love is supposed to be more about giving than receiving. people like that will get everything they can out of their partner and blame them for not giving more.

eventually, the parent inside the abandoned partner has to see that they have to release their spouse to go continue growing up. they just didn't have the maturity to pull their weight to make the relationship stronger so they bailed out.

real men and real women who commit always try to focus on ways to make it great. they aren't whining all of the time. they are always being creative and practical and staying focused on appreciating what they have with their partner.

after the grief ends, we see that being single is really good too. we can do everything our own way. we wind up winning with or without that spouse. :)

Very good advice and insight Faithful. I, too, am still embarrassed and just mentioned this yesterday. When I go to visit my parents I see the disappointment in their eyes...maybe it's for me, my kids, both. I don't know. I do know I dread or panic at the thought of running into her, or their coworkers. They remember me and I really don't know what I would say. I had this happen on two occasions and it made me sick to my stomach. I even avoid going to the hospital or docs offices on the hospital bc of that fear and shame. I'm even tearing a bit writing this.

It just stinks but you eventually have to tell someone. The stress will get to you and it will surface. You don't have to give details unless you want to but do try telling a close family member or friend.

I get nervous going anywhere in public really. Grocery stores, the mall, Walmart, wherever. Especially church, where we have friends in common (though I think the stbx is quitting going now, I was the force getting her there). I don't want to feel this way. Its like I am ashamed I didn't do enough to keep my wife happy, despite going to extreme lengths. But aquaintances aren't going to know how hard I tried.

I don't feel shame about my split but I did (and sometimes still do) avoid social gatherings if there will be a lot of people there that don't know we are split. One reason is that I'm worried about crying. Sometimes I tell people and I'm fine, other times I tell people and burst out crying before I can get the words out.

The biggest reason I have avoided them is the pity look you get from some. How I hate that side head tilt, the soft hand on your arm and the pity in their eyes. Don't pity me, I'm not a victim and I'll be fine but all of a sudden people feel like they need to talk softer and differently towards you.

oh, and I've been getting really good at changing the subject quickly and turning the focus away from myself. If I'm out at a party, the last thing I want to do is be a crying Debbie Downer. I'll say, "I'm good but how are you? How's (insert name here)? Did you have a good Fourth?"
or whatever, you get my drift. I think sometimes people are afraid to talk about their own families when they know yours is falling apart. I kind of force the green light on the issue. I want to know how they are and how their kids are and how their family in general is. I'm still me.

being nervous in public is simply a sign to slow down a bit inside and put your guard up. protect your sensitive side and limit your exposure to the harshness of the world when your energy levels are low.

I told my friends but I also told my brother before I told my parents. I let it out. I didn't tell all the details but did let them know that while it was hard I realized I would be better. It was amazing that none of them were completely surprised. They had seen him change over the years. At 50 I felt like I was supposed to have my life together and be getting ready to enjoy life with him as a "couple" and not just parents...That isn't the case.

I still live in our community. My child still has school of course. I dread running into them in a situation like that. I don't worry about the store or anything, I wouldn't know her from a hole in the wall as we have not met. I don't want to and I know it will be hard.

Hold your head high. Days get better, they get worse, then they get better. Try to focus on all that life still has to offer. The more we deny, suffer, etc, the control still stays with the ex and not within ourselves. Life from now on is up to us and what we want from it now.

Its getting better. If something feels uncomfortable I don't do it. But every day is a small step usually in the right direction.

My siblings all know now, and a few more people at work. At least the ones that matter.

I showed up at one gathering for the first time, that friends have been doing forever, and someone said something about how did you get the wife to let you out? I kind of just laughed and a couple friends who knew I was in the process also laughed with me. It was alright.

I told a mutual acquaintance the other day when I saw him and he asked about the family. He was shocked, saying he thought we always looked like we enjoyed each others company, but also said alot of people have gone through divorces, inluding him.

I know it is very hard to accept but it took me a good 6 months to process that fact that my marriage is over and that it was not all my fault. I did not fail, which is something that I have always had issues with feeling, but that I am a good person and so are the people around me. My family has been super supportive and I feel so much better. I am still working on finding the right time to tell my friends but I will wait until I feel comfortable doing it.